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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,149th Edition
March 2nd, 2018


March, March, March, the month is coming...

Apple is going to create medical clinics for their employees. Of course, instead of having docs, they'll call the physicians PDF's.

We're getting a better look at that University of California study and they're now saying a moderate amount of beer or wine and a couple of cups of coffee a day could be your key to living past age 90. Checking that off my list today.

And to think: I used to take vitamins.

How lazy are we getting when we have to have fast-food delivered to our house, because driving to the restaurant isn't fast enough?

Former 49ers linebacker Gary Plummer says he suffered 2,500 concussions in his NFL career. When asked if he felt if there were any lasting effects, he replied, "Eggplant."

The organization that oversees emoji's has changed the lobster emoji after people in Maine complained that it didn't have the correct number of legs! OK, now that we have that fixed, can we get back to working on the cure for cancer?

Starbucks is removing 30% of the products from its menu. 100% of the items remaining will still be overpriced.

Emily Ratajkowski got married last Friday to a guy she had only been dating a few weeks. I guess, in Hollywood, it's better to just get that first one out of the way... .

A new study says that we touch our cell phones an average of 2,617 times a day. Even more on days we go to the movies.

I asked Alexa the other day how she was doing. She mentioned that she had a friend who was a self-driving car that was considering a career change. She felt she was just going through the motions.

Oh, they were saying CRYPTO currencies. Boy, do I feel silly after spending all that money and buying all that Crisco.

Disney is going to do a 2-billion Euro improvement of their Paris property. Plans include modernizing their most popular attraction, "It's a rude world after all."

Apple is planning to release the largest iPhone ever later this year. It's going to be called the iCan'tBelieveIPaidThatMuch.

Apple also says that they're going to open their own medical clinics for their employees. Of course, if Apple handed out apples, they wouldn't need them.

President Trump announced yesterday that he's in for 2020. I was planning to watch it on Friday, too, I just prefer not to make a big deal about it.

President Trump says he WILL run again in 2020 and has already named a campaign manager. I guess that means he won't be competing in the Summer Olympics.

Wow, two years until the next presidential election and I'm already tired of it.

A new breed of deep-water shark has been discovered in the Atlantic. Because that's what the world really needs right now---more breeds of sharks.

A study says eating fruits, grains and vegetables slashes the risk of depression. Wow, that's depressing. I think I'll go get a couple of burgers.

Donald Trump says he would have rushed into the Florida school shooting incident unarmed. So, basically, all we need to do is clone Donald Trump and have one at each school. There's a plot for the Sci-Fi channel.

Warren Buffett says he doesn't have a Smartphone. But he does own several people who do.

Amazon has bought the Ring doorbell company, which means-if you're a Prime member-when someone comes to your door and rings your doorbell, Amazon will answer it for you in just two days.

Just think: if it weren't for Facebook, how hard it would be to have our current level of misinformation.

Ford is going to test their new self-driving cars in Miami. They'll be the ones with blinkers not on.

Oprah says she'll run for president if God tells her to run. The trick, of course, is God being able to make an appointment to see her.

And Heather Locklear's agent said she couldn't get arrested.

From Facebook: I would tell you my time-travel joke, but you didn't like it.

Putin says that Russia's missile system is better than anybody else's. Hey, as long as he and Trump don't get into a take-off-their-shirt competition, I'm good.

The president said, if there was a shooter and he didn't have a gun, he would still go in. I think if I were there in that situation, I would tell him to go in, too.

For the record, my invitation to Meghan and Harry's wedding hasn't shown up in the mail yet, so I'm going to hang on to that Spam gift pack for now.

It's Women's History Month when I supposed we're supposed to honor all those women who made me history.

Keith Richards was quoted as saying, "drugs are so bland these days," which shocked everyone. Zombies can talk?

TOP FIVE MOVIES THAT DIDN'T RECEIVE ANY OSCAR NOMINATIONS THIS YEAR

  1. "Lady Bird Seed"
  2. "Dorkiest Hour"
  3. "Three Bills, Bored Outside"
  4. "The Shape of Kardashian"
  5. "Dunce Kirk"

TOP FIVE POSSIBLE CAMPAIGN SLOGANS FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP'S SECOND CAMPAIGN

  1. "Make America Greater Againer"
  2. "Hey, you started this"
  3. "Let's really drive them crazy!"
  4. "Let's Continue 100% Employment of Late-Night TV Show Hosts"
  5. "I'm not kidding"
Laugh a little, would ya?
 
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