For the record, my invitation to Meghan and Harry's wedding hasn't shown up in the mail yet, so I'm going to hang on to that Spam gift pack for now.
It's Women's History Month when I supposed we're supposed to honor all those women who made me history.
Keith Richards was quoted as saying, "drugs are so bland these days," which shocked everyone. Zombies can talk?
You could call this year's Oscars, "Hooray for Harvey-less."
The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended guard J.R. Smith for throwing a bowl of soup at a coach. They told him that MMM-MMM-bad.
Kylie Jenner's baby daughter didn't appear on Snapchat until she was one month old. For the record, staying off social media a month for a Kardashian is a new personal best.
Anheuser-Busch has announced it will begin selling a new organic beer called "Michelob Ultra Pure Gold." That's what the world was lacking: healthy beer!
While watching the Red Carpet show on Sunday, I kept waiting for someone to ask Ryan Seacrest what he was wearing and for him to respond, "I'm wearing thin."
Inclusion rider. I'm just putting this in here because I don't want to piss off Frances McDormand.
Are people really surprised when a couple that seems to have been made for each other breaks up... even though they seemed destined for each other on the reality TV show where they met?
The odds for winning March Madness are Villanova at 9-2, Duke at 5-1 and Virginia at 6-1. The odds of me winning my March Madness brackets: A Gazillion Billion Quad-drillion to 1.
Pizza Hut has made a pair of shoes that can be used to order pizza. I feel a new Olympic sport coming on.
I'm constantly being asked to join the Fly's Up movement.
They say talks between North and South Korea indicate that the North could be willing to give up their nuclear weapons. They've always been willing to do that. However, I think they mean without pushing a button.
Here's an idea-require that all assault rifles need to be fitted with lawn dart bayonets.
Oh, great. President Trump has finally agreed to outlaw a weapon-the hot dog cannon.
The Trump presidency was already seeming like an old Western. Now, there's a new tariff in town.
A Chinese spacecraft is set to re-enter the world's atmosphere and crash to earth sometime between March 24th and April 19th. We don't know the exact place and time it will land, but I'm fairly certain it will be right after I hear them announce my winner lottery numbers.
David Foster and Katharine McPhee continue to be seen together around town. He's 68, she's 33. I believe Kanye West said it best.
Pizza Hut introduced a pair of athletic shoes that have a button that orders pizza. Not only does it order pizza, but you can also wear them when do you do sprints to the front door.
If North and South Korea keep having these meetings, it could mean a huge boost for the Food Taster's Union.
Look, if we don't say those hateful things on Twitter, how are we ever going to get on Jimmy Kimmel's "Mean Tweets?"
Forbes says that Amazon's Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world, at $112-billion. AND, he gets free Prime!
So, the problem with Alexa? It seems that she thought she would hear people say, “Alexa, laugh” and people were saying she was randomly breaking out in laughter. Now, if you say that, nothing happens. You have to ask, “Alexa, would you laugh for me?” See, comedy is hard.
New research indicates that drinking too much alcohol could be tied to a higher risk of early dementia. Yep, we did one study too many.
People were reporting that their Amazon Alexa would randomly break out laughing. The only way to get it to stop doing it was to put on an Adam Sandler movie.
M & M’s are coming out with three new flavors. Like I’d eat them slow enough to taste them….
Overheard conversation: “Let’s go on a walk!” “Let’s go on a walk to somewhere that has wine!” “Let’s skip the walk and just drink the wine!”
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have announced they’re “taking a break.” That giant "Yay" you heard yelled out was Selena's mom.
TOP FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF LAST SUNDAY'S OSCARS
- The ending
- Having the winner of Best Musical Score cut off by his own music
- Uncle Frank calling Jimmy Kimmel "Jimmy Fallon" all night
- Anti-vegetarian protestors interrupting with their #meat-too message
- Ryan Seacrest finally resorting to tackling people for interviews
TOP FIVE WAYS YOU KNOW JEFF BEZOS IS THE RICHEST MAN OF THE WORLD
Laugh a little, would ya?
- Every day, he watches an Oprah Show. Not on TV, she's right there.
- He has a chauffeur for his robo-vacuum
- The Oscars were moved up a half-hour this year to accommodate his schedule
- In his kitchen-his own personal Starbucks
- God asked him for a loan