Our 1,156th Edition
April 20th, 2018
Today is 4-20, not that I know what that means.
To those of you celebrating, I just thought I would say high.
All this concern about third-party access to my Facebook data, when I don't even remember the first two parties.
A religious group claims the world is going to end April 23rd. If you can find any takers, wouldn't it make sense to bet them that it won't? If it doesn't end, you win. If they're right, they'll never collect!
From online: I need more friends that understand I still want to be invited even though I'm not going.
The peeing prostitutes in Russia have asked that we drop the whole Trump thing. After all, they have a reputation to protect.
One thing that will probably never be said to James Comey again: "But how do you really feel?"
One thing you can say about President Trump: he never cheated on Khloe Kardashian. (hey, we're looking for things here)
A new study says that drinking more than five alcoholic drinks a week will shorten your life by 30 minutes. Thank God they didn't research the five-drinks-a-day scenario.
A study says sitting at a desk all day may damage the brain. I suppose then that it's a good thing that I'm not really working and just playing computer games.
It's Tax Day. You have to get your federal income tax returns postmarked before midnight tonight. Or catch that flight to a non-extradition country.
Egypt has extended its state of emergency for another three months. I believe ours is set until at least 2020.
I saw somewhere online that we spend a third of our life yelling the word, "Representative" at our phones.
There's he-said/she-said. I see this whole thing as Comey versus Comb-over.
The snow continues to hit the Midwest. I've heard some people are calling this season ‘sprinter'. Then are those who say it's not really April, it's the 105th of January!
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor broke her right shoulder in a fall at her home. For those who are curious, she fell to the left.
Washington, D.C. is considering lowering the voting age to 16. Hey, why not let them share the blame?
The Catholic Church is offering a course in exorcism by cellphone if necessary. We don't know what possessed them to do that.
The Washington Post is claiming that CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret Easter weekend trip to North Korea to meet with Kim Jong Un. Apparently, Dennis Rodman had plans.
Starbucks is going to close 8,000 stores on May 29th for a day of training to make them more racially sensitive. Not only will they close your favorite Starbucks, but also the one across the street from it.
Scientists are predicting that in a few years we'll be able to smell the TV shows we watch. I'm thinking, "Oh yeah, that'll make me want to watch The Walking Dead."
I'm old enough to remember when the only thing that streamed were streams.
James Comey on his ABC interview says he has never heard Donald Trump laugh. I guess you would have to actually be with him on one of his "Firing Days."
From Skip Tucker: Damn Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place.
Pink is on the cover of People Magazine's annual "Beautiful" issue. Passed over again.
They did a study on the swearing habits of Americans. The average person makes it until 10:54am before uttering their first curse word. I must live on east coast time.
The original federal income tax deadline this year was Tuesday. But the I.R.S. had a computer glitch, so they extended the day to Wednesday. It was like a really bad horror version of Groundhog's Day.
Rick Taylor says the "DC" in Washington, DC, stands for Department of Corrections.
I wonder if when he was a kid, Jersey Mike's mom yelled at him, "Jersey Michael!"
Bruce Murdock was wondering if its OK for vegetarians to eat Animal Crackers? Curious minds want to know.
From Skip Tucker: If you can't think of a word, say, "I forget the English word for it." That way, people will think you're bilingual instead of just an idiot.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE A REALLY LAZY PERSON
TOP FIVE LEAST SURPRISING THINGS IN THE NEW JAMES COMEY BOOK
- Your spirit animal is a sloth
- You have a stay-at-home job and you still show up late
- You Uber out to your mailbox
- Traded in the lawn mower for a goat
- You use a drone to walk the dog
- The president didn't mean to hire Steve Bannon... he was thinking of David Banner (the Incredible Hulk)
- The Washington Monument really doesn't look anything like him
- If you move the letters around, F.B.I. spells ‘fib'
- President Trump once tried to fire his mother
- Hillary's emails were mostly about pantsuit shopping
Laugh a little, would ya?