Our 1,157th Edition
April 27th, 2018
If you don't ask, you can' t hear them say 'no'
Google Maps is now using fast-food locations when it gives you directions. I can hear it now: “Turn right at the Starbucks, make a left at the next Starbucks and once you’ve passed the Starbucks, you’re there”!
A new breed of ant has been discovered in Borneo—an exploding ant! When confronted, it explodes itself! Great trick, but you can only do it once.
If you’re ever fortunate to meet one, don’t pull its leg. Of course, that’s more of an uncle trick than an ant.
France has banned vegan sausages and cauliflower steaks under a new law. Like I’ve always said, if God didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat.
A friend asked if, last Thursday, on 420 Eve, if I left out milk and cookies for Snoop Dogg.
The Tampa Bay Bucs are going to have their 4th round pick in the NFL Draft announced by…..a parrot! Could be a great day for any player with the last name, Pollywannacracker.
Did you know that Stormy Daniels’ real name is Stephanie Clifford? And she’s back at work on a new movie. I know, you’re probably wondering, “Wow, when did she have time to memorize the script?”
And now we await the big announcement from William and Kate on what name their give to their newest prince. I’d be so tempted to name him Prince. Prince Prince.
I just heard a rumor that “American Idol” is still on. Who knew?
The world wine output has fallen to a 60-year low. I believe that’s one of the signs in Revelations.
A new study says that very unattractive people tend to earn more money. Damn, you must be rich!
William and Kate welcomed their 3rd royal baby into the world yesterday, while Kate’s sister, Pippa, is now reportedly pregnant. Even rabbits were saying, “Hey, knock it off!”
Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski bought a stake in a Kentucky Derby racehorse that was named after him. When first saw him, Rob really liked him and thought the two of them looked a like. Someone said, “You think that’s impressive, you should turn him around and see his face!”
A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put together Ikea furniture. OK, NOW we’re officially an advanced society!
A veteran who served in Afghanistan has received the world’s first genital transplant. The procedure is called an addadictomy.
Former NBA player Kenyon Martin says more than 80% of NBA players smoke pot. The actual number could be higher, as well as the players.
Amazon is being criticized for selling car theft kits. To make matters worse, they’re being delivered using stolen cars. It’s brutal out there.
Last weekend at the London Marathon, a guy proposed to his girlfriend wearing a T-Rex costume. Do you really have to ask what she said?
Which upsets you most: the increasing division among Americans, the level of pollution in this world or Kate Middleton looking so good just hours after giving birth?
I think it’s wonderful that the leaders of the United States and France have bonded so well. It assures me that if the occasion ever arises, France will be there for us to show us the proper way to surrender.
A report says Osama bin Laden’s former bodyguard is living on welfare in Germany. I imagine it’s tough to find a job as a bodyguard when your only reference is unavailable.
They say that there’s been a rise in fake news. HA! Gotcha!
Oxford researchers say that the clouds that float above the planet Uranus smell like rotten eggs and farts. And not a single dog on the entire planet to blame.
I saw a cool license plate frame that said, "Final Score--Boys 4, Girls 0."
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU GET DISTRACTED WAY TOO EASILY
#1) Well, obviously, because….SQUIRREL!
#2) You have 143 windows open on your browser
#3) Yes, I was listening.
#4) Can you repeat the question?
#5) I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE GERMOPHOBIC
#1) When you go out to dinner, you bring your own food
#2) You only high-five with cellophane
#3) You use eye wash after reading this list
#4) You keep your bathtub filled with anti-bacterial dip
#5) You wear gloves to put on gloves
Laugh a little, would ya?