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Our 1,158th Edition
May 4th, 2018

If I hear one more "be with you...."

A group says hostility towards journalists is growing worldwide. I particularly hate the one that wrote this story.

A woman with $200,000 in personal debt is running for governor of Georgia. Sounds like government material to me!

Moscow says it will limit alcohol sales at the World Cup. We do that over here with something called the $16 beer.

May Day in Seattle is the Opening Day of their annual "Tear Gas Festival." For whatever reason, Seattle has become the city that says, "We realize that's against the law, but we understand."

T-Mobile and Sprint are merging. Their new slogan: "America's largest 4G network asking, ‘Can you hear me now?'"

British bookmakers are giving Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un 2 to 1 odds at winning the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing peace to Korea. They're also both up for Twitter's annual Bat _____ Crazy Award.

A study says dark chocolate may help improve eyesight. Which will come in hand when you're sneaking some at night with the lights off and you drop it. Funny how nature works.

The University of Utah is doing a $740,000 study on how pot affects the brain. Well, actually, half of it is for doing the study. The other half is for doing it again when they forget what they found out.

Stormy Daniels is suing President Trump for defamation of character. I'm thinking, how do you defame a porn star? Accuse her of charging too much?

There's a new Amazon Echo coming out, designed just for kids. It's to help them learn at an early age that people don't always understand what you were saying.

Tom Cruise jumped from a plane 106 times for a stunt for the latest "Mission: Impossible" film. Not including the 5 times United dragged him off.

As a society, I feel our timing is off. If we still had silent movies, that guy talking on his cell phone behind you wouldn't be as annoying.

Tonya Harding did decently in the first night of "Dancing with the Stars: Athlete Edition." Only three of her competitors have suffered knee injuries so far...

Bill Gates says that President Trump offered him a job as White House science advisor. Apparently, Bill Nye the Science Guy was busy.

An Ohio woman is being charged with stealing a rare butterfly. Obviously, someone into niche crimes.

Johnny Depp is being sued by two of his former bodyguards, saying that they put in a lot of overtime, but were never paid Jack Sparrow for it.

Bob Dylan is an investor in a brand-new whiskey distillery in Nashville. And you thought you couldn't understand him NOW.

I really want to get something for Kanye West. Laryngitis.

When I was young, students used to bring apples to give to their teachers. These days, it’s Romaine lettuce.
Remember, paying any attention to Kanye West is a choice.
I wonder why they call it MSNBC instead of MSDNC? And with all the Stormy Daniels stuff in the news, I’m expecting a name change for FOX NEWS.  Don’t know if they would dare….
A study says two thirds of public school 8th graders are not proficient in math and literacy, whatever proficient and literacy mean.
  1. The words "You forgot again" are carved in the hood of your car
  2. Your clothes are all ironed, folded and neatly stacked in the front yard
  3. Funny, she didn't have a Porsche when I left for work
  4. The words "Happy birthday to (blank)" spray-painted on the garage door
  5. Dr. Phil calls to say you're on your own
  1. Boysenberries are now just Enberries
  2. The JC Penney Boys Department is now just "The Department"
  3. The musical Jersey Boys is now down to just "Jersey"
  4. The auto parts store, "Pep"
  5. The singing group, "To Men"
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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