Our 1,163rd Edition
June 8th, 2018
Incomplete sentences really bother
A blackened chicken recipe going around: "Clean chicken, place in oven, go check Facebook."
Since people are into saying shocking things these days, Sears has modified the Roebuck part of their name.
One of my biggest goals in life is to figure out a way to fake sincerity.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo says a letter from Kim Jong un is to be delivered to Donald Trump. The letter is a "T". There are three T's, now the question is, does Kim Jong un want to buy a vowel.
Yu Darvish says he thinks the Cubs fans hate him. I believe this means, for the first time ever, Cubs and Dodger fans have something in common.
The NBA Player Association has hired their first director of mental health. Missed Dennis Rodman by 18 years.
I swear, if I ever run for office, my official slogan will be, "Let's make crime illegal again!"
Lunch with Warren Buffett was put to auction the other night and had a winning bid of $3.3-million. And that didn't include tip!
As I like to text, "Ducking auto correct!"
As some people like to say, "Discrimination? Piece of cake!"
Yesterday, the very first driver's license ever issued to a woman was given out in Saudi Arabia. Geeze. Next thing you know, they're going to want to own a car!
All this time, I thought they were saying, "Pee on these!" Oh, PEONIES! My bad.
Some gems from Facebook:
- "You cannot make everyone happy. You are not a taco."
- "I wish Noah had swatted those two mosquitoes."
- So I went to the doctor and he said, "Don eat anything fatty." And I asked, "You mean like burgers and fries?" and he responded, "No, don't eat anything, Fatty!"
LeBron James says he wants his teammates to be "uncomfortable." He could always ask the president and Roseanne Barr to come in and give a pre-game talk.
There will be no swimsuit competition at the 2019 Miss America Pageant. We've dropped it at our company picnic, too.
I only watched it for their minds, anyway.
Hormel has recalled over 220,000 pounds of Spam. Don't know what took them so long.
Melania Trump has made her first official appearance in 24 days. Wondering if she's trying to inspire the president...?
Kathy Griffin says that Ivanka Trump is all talk. Ivanka hasn't said anything. Kathy is still talking.
From The Onion: "Miss America Pageant Adds Sweatpants and Messy Hair Bun Competition."
Simon Cowell says he hasn't used his cellphone in ten months, saying it made him distracted and irritated. Who among us has not blamed the phone?
New Zealand sex worker activist Catherine Healy was made a dame. And that's the news from a broad.
A study says feeling disgust helps keep people healthy. Sounds like a ringing endorsement of "Four more years" to me!
Kanye West says he was diagnosed with a mental condition at age 39. Most peoples' reaction: "Wow, slow doctors!"
A study says seven hours of sleep a night is ideal for heart health. I get seven hours. Over two nights.
Jimmy John’s is going even bigger and has introduced a 16-inch sub that could hit 2200 calories. For those who’d like to eat all three of the day’s meals in one sitting.
A new report says half the housing markets in the U.S. are overvalued. Then again, so are most new reports, so I call it a tie.
A new study claims that non-drinkers are more likely to miss work. I believe that makes them double-slackers.
Canada is getting ready to legalize marijuana. Wow, eh?
The world’s oldest person says she wishes she were dead as she gets ready to celebrate her 129th birthday. At least we know what she’ll be wishing for when she blows out the candles.
A Philadelphia teacher is being accused of taking bribes for good grades. Who knew they taught politics in elementary school?
Bill Gates is giving all 2018 college graduates his favorite new book for free. That’s all fine and dandy, but my screen just went blue again.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A DOG PERSON
- What you did on the neighbor's porch really brings it home.
- This uncontrollable urge to charge cars
- You always circle three times before sitting down
- You scratch behind your ear with your foot
- Already the third case of fleas you've had this season
TOP FIVE TRICKS NOT TO TEACH YOUR DOG
- Fetch the neighbor's Amazon packages
- Play zombie
- Pass the gas
- To be more accepting to burglars
- Barking the theme from "Cats"
Laugh a little, would ya?
