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Our 1,166th Edition
June 29th, 2018

I'd like to report a missing month

Last Thursday was "National Take-a-Selfie Day." Like there's a day that isn't?

Just remember, when September rolls around and you realize you forgot to pick up the kids at summer camp, you've got some explaining do.

A new study says pot users actually feel more pain. Most often, after the phrase, "Oh, wow. I just slammed the car door on my hand, man."

A study says the American swamp sparrow has been singing the same song for 1,000 years. Here's hoping it never learns, "Gagnam Style."

A Nigerian man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison on an IRS tax return scheme. If he's a prince, I've been getting his emails.

Johnny Depp says that his spending problems are actually worse than reported. Then he said, "Oh, wait. No, I meant my movies."

Real Housewives of Orange County alum Alex Bellino's husband has filed for divorce. That sets up the spinoff series, "Real Ex-Wives of Orange County."

Melania Trump visited the kids locked up at the border last week. Unfortunately, she was wearing a jacket that had the words on the back, "I don't really care. Do U?" She explained that it was because her "Let me know the camera's on and I'll smile" coat was at the dry cleaners.

You know, I remember my last day of school. There were no parties or special events or presents. I guess people view quitting much differently.

After that whiskey barrel disaster in Kentucky last week, upwards of 800 fish were killed by whiskey that leaked into a local river. A tragedy, yes, but then again, what a way to go.

Experts are saying plus-size models are fueling the obesity epidemic. Well, over-weight experts who are looking for someone to blame...

Delta has banned pit bulls used as service or support animals. I suppose this means my comfort crocodile is now a no-go...

Researchers say babies listening to music inside the womb prefer songs by Queen and the Village People, despite how difficult it is to do the YMCA in there. The toughest thing for them is figuring out how to make requests.

63-year-old Greg Norman posed nude for the upcoming Sports Illustrated Body Issue. If there was ever a time for fake news, this is it.

A study says the American swamp sparrow has been singing the same song for 1,000 years. Making matters worse, the song it keeps singing is "The Wheels on the Bus."

If they are to split California up into three new states, may I propose the new names? No Cal, So Cal, and Whoa Cal.

Heather Locklear has had two meltdowns and matching arrests this month. I feel bad that I'm even thinking, "Wow, if she's now making really bad decisions, maybe I have a shot!"

The Oklahoma City Thunder have suspended play-by-play announcer Brian Davis for one game after he said guard Russell Westbrook was "out of his cotton-pickin' mind" during Wednesday night's broadcast. Yosemite Sam, Daffy Duck and Foghorn Leghorn got off with just a warning.

Facebook has told me that "What we do together matters." I never knew that. How could that have never dawned on me before?

A report says coca production in Colombia is at a record high. Not surprising, so are their customers.

A New Jersey town is changing its streets design to make it safer for people who are walking and texting. I believe the town's name is Coddle and it's located in Enabling County.

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte is in trouble for calling God "stupid." No surprise who's going to get the last laugh in this one. "Oops, did I send you down there? It must be because I'm STUPID!!"

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I just now realized that I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in Mrs. Sebesta's 10th grade English class, so I want to apologize if you've been thinking that everything I've said since then is from Shakespeare.

Seen on Facebook: This November, vote blue or its all on you.
But for equal times' sake: If you vote red, enough said.

The Center for Disease Control says that only 23% of Americans get the exercise they need. There was more to the story, but I couldn’t reach the remote to turn up the volume.
First Lady Melania Trump traveled to Arizona yesterday to visit more detained immigrants. They’re now only letting her go when it’s just too hot to wear a jacket.
German police have arrested a 56-year-old man who is being accused of putting poison in his co-workers’ lunches and killing 21 of them over the past 18 years. Another argument against bringing a sack lunch.
Planters’ Cheez Balls are coming back, 12 years after disappearing from the shelves. Or, maybe they just found a few cases in the back room. Either way, they’re back.
According to a new survey, 42% of Americans believe a second civil war is possible in the next five years. So…we’re being civil now?
Puerto Rico is introducing a bill seeking statehood by 2021. The person in charge of arranging the stars on our flag yelled out, “Noooooo!!!!!”
  1. "Barr Was Barred"
  2. "We told you it would be funnier"
  3. "She's Not Here Anymore"
  4. "Everybody Hates Roseanne"
  5. "No's on Rose"


  1. The last time you were in, they stole your pen
  2. They don't have a vault, just an old refrigerator
  3. Head of mortgage department is named "Knuckles"
  4. It says on the door, "Insured by F.D.I. Cia"
  5. When you say, "I'd like to make a deposit" the teller says "Oh, thank God!"
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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