That recording of President Trump and his lawyer talking about hush money to cover up an affair with Playboy model Karen McDougal--I have to say, this is taking a real toll on the high esteem I used to have for Playboy Models.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Here's a fun game: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their sur-name, and say, "Like the murderer?"
My friend Susan says that instead of calling her bathroom the "John", she calls it the "Jim". That way it sounds better when say says, "I go to the Jim first thing every morning".
There were some who believed that last Friday's Blood Red Full Moon signaled the end of the world. Last I checked, we were still here.
FOR THE MUSICIANS--A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She replies, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
A new study says 4 in 10 men experience "inexplicable sadness" after sex. My guess is that it's because they wish someone else had been there.
An Egyptian court has sentenced 75 people to death over a 2013 sit-in. People wanted to protest the ruling, but they didn't dare.
Betty White says she has no plans to retire at the age of 96. Or, if she did, she doesn't remember them.
Pilots on an Iraqi Airways flight got into a fist fight in the cockpit at 37,000 feet. We don't know exactly what the fight was over, but we do know one of them was saying, "And stop calling me Shirley!"
A study says having sex makes people feel better the next day. As I like to tell my wife, "I'm only doing this for you."
Lamar Odom will play basketball for a team in China. One of the attractions of China-it's currently 100% Kardashian-free!
The CBS board suspended CEO Les Moonves amid investigation of allegations of sexual-misconduct. There will be an investigation before deciding if he'll be renewed for next season.
IKEA has announced plans to test out small-scale stores that could fit more easily into city environments. They say the first one should be built in 9 months. Even sooner if they read the instructions.
An Arkansas woman shot and killed her husband after catching him buying porn. I'm shocked-people pay for it?
The Seattle City Council, which never met a tax it didn't like, passed a $250,000 a year fee for all of the bike share companies operating in town. They said it was between that and the proposed new breathing tax.
A new study says you'll be happier if you stop scheduling so many things. I plan to react to this later this morning around 10:14.
A report says parents are hiring video game tutors for their kids. Apparently, these kids were starting to show signs of ambition.
A friend posted on Facebook that there are three things she doesn't get-hammocks, parades and beer. I responded that we're not going to offer her a beer at the big hammock parade next week.
Starbucks is planning to start delivering coffee in China. Soon, billions of people in China will experience what it's like to have your name spelled wrong.
The entire police force in a Massachusetts town quit, citing unsafe conditions. Police in almost every other major city in America simultaneously responded, "Yeah, right."
A woman is suing Canada Dry for a lack of real ginger in its ginger ale. Someone's going to have to eventually break it to her about Coke.
Dunkin Donuts is now selling its first ever gluten free product, if you don’t consider coffee a product.
Europe's highest court has ruled that Nestlé cannot patent the break-apart shape of its Kit Kat chocolate bar. A company spokesman was quoted as saying, “Gimme a break.”
Venezuela’s president admits the economy there has failed. I guess if you definite success as being $20-Trillion in debt, he’s right.
Molson Coors is brewing a cannabis drink for Canada. I’m imagining a generation of Canadians who can’t remember if they ended their sentence with, “Eh?” or not.
“Bob and Doug aren’t here, man!”
Death Valley in California set records for the hottest month ever on Earth, with July averaging 108 degrees. On the bright side, it was during that time they invented self-lighting matches.
Bye-bye Brookstone. They announced yesterday they’re filing for bankruptcy and will close all of their remaining Mall stores. The good news, a new device just came in that allows you to close stores with a remote.
Prada sales of their ready to wear line has pushed profits up 11%. The devil must be happy.
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU BOUGHT AT BROOKSTONE THAT YOU REALLY DIDN'T NEED
- Your remote retrieving drone was the real low point
- There's the toenail clippings organizer
- A self-fidgeting fidgeter
- A vibrating combination neck wrap and paint shaker
- That Automatic Banana Peeler (for God's sake, how lazy are you?)
TOP FIVE HELPFUL TIPS TO GET THROUGH THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER
- Avoid wearing fire hydrant colored clothes
- Don't rub bologna on your arms
- If you see a small nail on the ground, don't yell out, "A tack!"
- If his breath's really bad, teach him how to play "Fetch the Stick Deodorant"
- Don't act like a cat
