To all the kids listening right now: when life gets tough and you suffer a setback, just remember this one thing: Ignore Earl Thomas.
Last Friday was National Coffee Day. Like I needed a day.
Jenni JWoww Farley has filed for divorce from her husband, Roger Matthews. Those of you who had 3 years in the pool, please collect your winnings.
I have this philosophy that all of the world's real problems all began when Ross and Rachel went on that break.
20% of women in a recent survey said if they're being honest, they would admit, they have prayed before stepping on a scale. 100% of guys have prayed after cracking the joke, "Did you break it?"
A hacker was threatening to delete Mark Zuckerberg's Facebook account over the weekend. Oh, but the president's Twitter account-NOOOOO!!!
Sears stock has fallen below $1 for the first time ever. Yes, it's now not even worth a Roebuck.
The most expensive hotel room in the U.S. is at the St. Marks in New York, going for $75,000 a night. You need a line of credit to use the mini bar.
A man in India has grown a 22-foot-long mustache. While there are the challenges, it does provide a tasty selection of snacks throughout the day.
7-11's have started selling Taco Bell's Diablo Tortilla Chips... to increase the number of your unhealthy choices by one.
IHOP is now making their own beer. I mean, c'mon, you can only eat so many pancakes. Nice to see the International House of Pancakes putting the Hops back into IHOP.
Alaska Airlines is going to allow miniature horses as comfort animals. Can First-Class Aisle Racing be far behind?
I feel bad for the flight attendants. How many times are they going to hear someone say, "I feel a little horse."
In the U.K., the University of Manchester has voted to ban... ..clapping on campus. Jazz hands are allowed, but no clapping. Why? To "avoid triggering anxiety." That's going to be really hard to remember at the football games, when the Fighting Snowflakes take the field.
The Oakland A's Khris Davis ended the season batting .247 for the fourth year in a row. He may not be good, but he's consistent.
He's just 12 percentage points from batting 1,000... .if you add up all four years.
Reports say there has been an increase in the number of Social Security scams. Send me $200 via my no name PayPal account, and I'll give you the full details.
A new study says that one in three of us eat some sort of fast food every day. If this keeps up, one in three of us will soon become two of three of us.
Ruby Rose has been named the most dangerous celebrity online, with searches most likely to land on websites with malware or viruses. What a proud family moment.
A study says that playing violent video games can cause players to be more aggressive. That's not true. I play violent video games. Whoever did that study should be destroyed!!
Apple is going to introduce 70 new emoji’s in their iOS 12.1 update. This should solve our national emoji shortage.
Really, the only way I see the world getting any better would be if Mary Poppins returned and ran for president.
The president sent out the very first wireless emergency test on Wednesday. Even though it was just a drill, he called hurricanes “stupid” and nuclear attacks “annoying.”
A new study says the political divide in the U.S. is the worst ever. And, of course, half the country believes it and the other half doesn’t.
TOP FIVE MOST DEPRESSING THINGS ABOUT YOUR CLASS REUNION
- Your old crush just crushed a chair
- Your school mascot has fewer wrinkles than you do
- Librarian demands your late fees, with interest
- Several of the teachers look younger than you
- No one recognized you, not even your wife
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY THROW THAT THING IN THE FRIDGE OUT
- You could have sworn, you just heard it growl
- It seems to have attached itself to the refrigerator shelf
- Green and fuzzy can never be good
- The company that made it went out of business 20 years ago
- You can't recognize which food group it came from
Laugh a little, would ya?
