Our 1,189th Edition
December 7th, 2018
He sees you when you're sleeping, He knows how much you snore
Interesting how Major League Hockey is coming to Seattle at the same time Major League Baseball is leaving.
I'm just curious. How is that that when you tell me you lied under oath before that I'm supposed to believe you when you say you're now telling the truth?
Look, folks: moving from Pumpkin Spiced season to Egg Nog season is NOT a victory.
Amazon is selling a toy vacuum for kids that actually cleans. God bless them.
Russia says they will have a colony on the moon by 2040! Probably won't see a lot of restaurants pop up there. As a location, it lacks atmosphere.
Marriott says that the database for their Starwood hotels was hacked! The hack affects some 500 million guests, and for about 327 million of them, the data included passport numbers, emails and mailing addresses. However, on the positive side of the news, a Nigerian Prince is going to visit me in the New Year if I just send him the money for airfare.
Starbucks says it will block porn from its store Wi-Fi beginning in 2019. However, they are going to launch an immediate ban on all Pumpkin Spiced porn.
A Minnesota woman crashed her car on a highway while watching Netflix on a tablet. Why was she watching Netflix while driving? Apparently, Amazon wasn't streaming that well.
A study says 2018 is on track to be the fourth warmest year ever. Frosty the Snowman was quoted as saying, "Tell me about it."
A new study says that only 12% of adults are metabolically healthy. My reaction-I'm not going to find out what metabolically means and just assume I'm part of the healthy group.
El Paso is on track to be the first large city in the U.S. to put treated sewage water back into the tap. My guess is that fact is not going to be in the "Welcome to town" brochure.
A study says Washington State is one of the worst for package thefts. We were awarded a trophy, but you can guess what happened when it was delivered.
In Florida, a woman pulled a knife on a man after he complained to her about her farts. Her response: "I cut you... one."
I don't care if you think I'm apathetic. Or is that redundant?
New holiday word for your vocabulary I saw on Facebook: Druncle -- like a regular uncle, only drunker.
SpaceX is planning to launch a rocket into space carrying 36,000 worms. They're expecting a lot of early birds to be on hand for the launch.
A study says most patients lie to their doctors. President Trump's personal physician responded, "Tell me about it."
A new study found that 27% of today's young people are too overweight to serve in the military. Well, as soldiers. Some could actually be platoons.
A Harvard professor says that if you're going to order French Fries with your meal, that you should only have six of them. This explains why I'm a Yale man.
From Facebook: Your wife took two hours to get ready, but if you don't have your shoes on when she's ready, you're the problem.
A Chinese spacecraft is set to land on the dark side of the Moon. We obviously know what their scientists were listening to back in college.
Joe Biden claims he is the most qualified person in the country to be President. Sorry, Joe, but considering where we're at, that's actually a really long list.
Microsoft is running an ad slamming the iPad, calling it a "kids' toy." Oh, those kids and their $800 toys.
The number one YouTube star is a 7-year-old toy reviewer who made 22-million last year. I was trying to get an interview with him, but when I called, he had put his parents in time-out.
Crap. I left the house this morning and forgot to put artificial water on the fake tree.
A letter written by Albert Einstein questioning religion sold at an auction for $2.9-million. The buyer said it was the answer to his prayers.
A UK man had a digital compass implanted in his chest. What some guys won’t do to avoid pulling into a gas station and ask for directions.
PETA says animal phrases like “bringing home the bacon” are insensitive and comparable to racism and homophobia. Man, what’s their beef? Well, with a comment like that, my goose is cooked.
A substitute school teacher in New Jersey has been removed from class after telling some first graders that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. The kids were told that teacher never really existed.
The Apple Watch has a new health feature that can detect diabetes. I feel like we’re slowly but surely moving towards the iDoctor.
49ers long snapper Kyle Nelson has been suspended 10 games for PEDs. This explains that snap last week that went out of the stadium.
Got another junk email today asking, “Did you ever dream of being rich?” Actually, no, but I do fantasize often about not getting spam.
9,000 pairs of counterfeit Nikes were seized in New York City. Police became suspicious when they saw the slogan on the side of the box, “Just whatever.”
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT'S A RELATIVELY NEW SANTA THERE
THE ELVES' TOP FIVE GAGS THEY LIKE TO PULL ON SANTA
- He tells you what he wants for Christmas
- Wait-is that venison jerky?
- That's a pretty harsh "Elves suck" tattoo
- Look, I know for a fact Santa does not have an official flask
- Knew it right away when he said, "Ho, He, Who!"
- A little bit of Nair in his beard wax
- Washing his red suit in hot water with bleach
- Putting prunes in the reindeer feed
- Telling him, "No, we didn't see you check your list twice."
- Whoopie cushion in the sleigh
Laugh a little, would ya?