Our 1,191st Edition
December 21st, 2018
It's beginning to look a lot like....I'm screwed!
EDITOR'S NOTE: (hey, that's me!) I'm taking a WACK off. Talk with you again in 2019! Merry Christmas!
HOLIDAY BONUS: Click here to listen to this year's Christmas CD, HO HO BROTHER 18. 70 minutes of holiday fun, music and memories. Enjoy!
A Disney World employee admitted stealing $50,000 from the park over the years. He thought about sneaking off and trying to hide, but he knows too well it's a small world, after all.
Goodyear has shut down a factory in Venezuela and gave workers tires as their severance payment. Their boss couldn't resist saying, "Here's the rubber, hit the road!"
Donald Trump has canceled the annual White House press party. In other breaking news, Kanye West is not sending a Christmas card to Drake.
California is actually considering a tax on texting, which is ironic, because I was just texting about taxing.
A man is suing American Airlines after his pinkie was caught in an armrest. For the record, we do mean his little finger.
Stevie Nicks will join the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next spring. Lindsay Buckingham has already been not invited.
Here's a last-minute Christmas gift suggestion. On Christmas Eve, go to 7-11.
Hard to believe I'm less than a week away from starting my Christmas shopping.
Once again, I'm being forced to ask the question-if the government does shut down, how are we supposed to tell?
Stockton, California is the first U.S. city to try a basic income program, with everyone getting $500 a month. $500 a month, for doing absolutely nothing. Gee, I would feel so congressional!
You know what I'm getting Santa for Christmas this year? An Elf-improvement book.
Saw this one on Facebook: "Today marks four weeks without sugar. Running 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. No caffeine! The change has been fantastic! I feel great! Zero alcohol! A healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine-free, sugar-free, and a 2-hour workout every day. I don't know whose status this is, but I was really proud of them. So I decided to copy and paste. Feel free to do the same."
I started out my annual holiday letter this year with, "Dear Friends and Family. I know, after that, you're expecting to hear about a huge discount."
A Missouri man convicted of illegally poaching hundreds of deer over the past several years has been ordered by a judge to watch the movie, "Bambi" once a month, as long as he stays in the county jail. That's probably not the Thumper that concerns him the most.
An 8-year-old Maryland girl wrote Hillary Clinton after losing her class president election by one vote. What made it worse is that the boy that won led the other students in the chant, "Put her in detention! Put her in detention!"
A study says people with extreme political views can't tell when they are wrong. Yes, we can! Oh, I guess that gives me away.
Denver is the first U.S. airport to use the new TSA body scanner which allows people to keep their hands at their sides. This in comparison with the airlines, who are now charging seat selection fees and make you hold your arms in the air.
A study says loneliness peaks at three ages: late 20s, mid 50s and late 80s. Well, I've made it through two of them and didn't even realize it!
A study says three out of four Americans are lonely. If those three would just get together, problem solved!
Laker Lance Stephenson was charged with a technical foul after strumming an air guitar against the Hornets after making a shot. In anger, he smashed his imaginary guitar on the floor.
Canadian researchers are conducting tests on chickens to determine what makes chickens happy. Of course, the obvious question: Why?
Apparently, we must have found the cure for cancer.
A new study says that just 6 months of walking can reverse your cognitive decline. Then again, after walking for 6 months, God know where you’ll end up.
A Museum of Broken Relationships has opened in more than 50 U.S. cities. Sounds like Date Night to me!
George Lucas is listed as the wealthiest celebrity with a fortune of $5.4-billion. And, of course, he owns “The Force.”
A study says exercise us as good as drugs at cutting high blood pressure. What about those of us who consider taking our pills exercise? That should have twice the benefits, right?
Five-time Olympic gold medalist Missy Franklin is retiring at age 23. Yes, she’ll be hanging up whatever it is swimmers hang up.
Scientists say they have discovered the most distant object in the Solar System. It was Melania, after the last round of Stormy Daniels’ accusations.
TOP FIVE WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES OF ALL TIME
- "The Santa Claustrophobic"
- "It's a Wonderful Dentist Appointment"
- "White Load of Laundry"
- "Die Hard with an Elf"
- "Massacre at the North Pole"
TOP FIVE QUESTIONS THAT ELVES HATE TO GET ASKED
- "Has your basketball team ever won a game?"
- "What do you charge to stand in my yard?"
- "What's the weather like down there?"
- "Ever taken an elf defense class?"
- "Can you get that gum off my shoe?"
TOP FIVE HOLIDAY TRADITIONS THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON
- Hanging Bud Lights on the tree
- Yule Lincoln Log Sets
- Gingerbread Time Shares
- Advert Calendars, which give you a new commercial every day
- Kissing under the Missile Defense System
Laugh a little, would ya?
