Our 1,192nd Edition
January 4th, 2019
Why does 2019 not sound as futuristic as 2020?
I guess we'll just have to wait a year.
MY 2019 PREDICTIONS:
- After being turned down by practically everyone in Hollywood, a robot ends up hosting the Oscars. But instead of just giving it bad reviews, a group of cyborg critics use lasers to destroy it.
- Scientists prove there are aliens in space. President Trump immediately promises to build a space wall.
- Led Zeppelin tries to do a reunion tour, but the EPA says they can only do it if they're lead-free.
- Since no one lives forever, it's determined that everything we eat is killing us.
- Someone in the White House will resign. (hey, I get at least one gimme)
- Harley Davidson releases its all-electric motorcycle. Incredibly long extension cord sold separately.
- The Seattle City Council decides to open a dump down by Century Link Field and the new T-Mobile Park. The result is The Clink and The Pink next to The Stink.
A new survey says that 7 out of 10 Americans have sex on Christmas Day. It doesn't say how many occurred after daddy saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.
There's going to be a 50th anniversary concert this year on the site of 1969's Woodstock music festival.
Just for the record, "Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations!" doesn't work.
In India, a 65-year-old woman has given birth to her second child. Of course, what I want to know: where were the parents?
New research now claims that a couple of cups of coffee a day and moderate drinking actually helps us live longer. OK, we should stop all research while we're ahead.
Who ever thought you'd be going back to work before the government did?
From Facebook: A recent study says that more than two hours of screen time can affect children's brains. But less than two hours means you have to deal with them. You do the math.
President Trump tweeted, "Calm down and enjoy the ride." To be honest, I've been seriously considering switching parks.
That's it. I'm taking my social media life by the horns and I have not checked Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat or Twitter for over 3 minutes!
Why do they call them "head colds?" Like you can get a cold in your foot?
I did a Polar Dip on New Year's Day. Yep, we ate frozen Guacamole.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Twenty years from now, kids listening to "Baby, It's Cold Outside" are going to find it really, really weird. We're going to have to explain that it has to be understood in the context of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside.
I'm excited about Monday's annual "Alabama/Clemson Bowl."
From Facebook: They say that if a sock disappears from your dryer that it returns as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
Kim Jong-un is warning the United States and….well, this is where I generally tune out.
Washington state could become the first in the nation to legalize human composting. I can hear it now: “Tommy! Did you remember to put Uncle Frank out by the curb? It’s pick-up day.”
A study says cannabis is twice as strong now as it was 11 years ago. It’s not only Cheechier, it’s along Chonger.
Sorry to hear of the passing of “The Captain”, Daryl Dragon. Even sadder to think that after four decades, he was never promoted above captain.
A space mission from China has landed on the moon’s dark side. Not surprising, the Floyd they found was pink.
Four Florida men were arrested for stealing $500,000 of tequila. They might have gotten away with it if they hadn’t gone to the store and tried to buy 1,000 limes.
TOP FIVE SIGNS NEW YEAR'S EVE JUST ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE
- Back in the old days, at midnight, you'd ring in the New Year. These days, that's when you're getting up to go to the bathroom
- So you can go to bed earlier, you celebrate the New Zealand New Year
- You need to put on your readers to see what year it is
- While opening the champagne, that big pop wasn't from the bottle
- You pulled a muscle putting up a new calendar
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S GOING TO BE A ROUGH YEAR
- Those are vultures circling overhead, aren't they?
- The bluebird of happiness just flew into your window
- Your wife sends you an anniversary card from the Bahamas
- The calendar you bought only goes through August (what do THEY know?)
- Your boss keeps referring to you as the "Sears" of the company
Laugh a little, would ya?