Our 1,193rd Edition
January 11th, 2019
Viaduct? Why not a chicken?
- May all of your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
- Today's Thought of the Day: "Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom."
- We hear there's a petition to get Barbara Walters to drop the ball in New York next year, just so we can hear her say, 'I'm Barbara Walters and this is 20/20'."
- "Roses are red, tacos, delicious. I use paper plates 'cause I hate doing dishes."
- I walked into the kitchen and asked my niece for a phone book. She laughed and said, “Don’t be so old. Here, use my phone.” Now, the spider’s dead, her phone is smashed and my niece is crying in the other room.”
- "Quick! While the government is shut down-somebody start a new one!"
- I told my doctor that I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those two places."
Amazon is programming Alexa to teach football to casual NFL fans. Most people in Oakland have opted out.
OK, I gotta ask. If the government remains shut down, does that mean we don't have to pay taxes this year?
Yes, there are Carrot Cake Oreos on store shelves right now, even as we speak, with cream cheese frosting in the middle. We believe this is a test.
A University of Greenwich study claims that beer is a better pain reliever than Tylenol. Plus, it comes in those easy-to swallow cans!
Meghan Markle's half-brother says he's inviting Meghan and Prince Harry to his upcoming wedding. If nothing else, it should flush out a nice gift.
Here's a concept-what if we just build a wall around the White House?
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: "How do you reset your body back to its factory settings? I'm asking for a friend. Is it kale? It's kale, isn't it? Please don't say it's kale."
As a matter of fact, I don't mean to brag, but back in school I was the quarterback, class president, homecoming king and had the best GPA. Oh, yes and I was home schooled.
Jeff Bezos, billionaire and founder/CEO of Amazon, announced on Twitter yesterday that he and his wife MacKenzie are getting a divorce. As part of the settlement, she will get half of the world.
The head of the Russian Orthodox Church is warning the "Antichrist" will control humans through gadgets. Someone's a little late to the party...
The most amazing thing I learned from “On the Basis of Sex” is that Ruth Bader Ginzburg, at one time, looked like Felicity Jones.
The last known Hawaiian tree snail known as Lonely George has died at age 14. On the positive side, he’s no longer lonely.
A new study says that excessive body fat may mean lower brain volume…whatever that means.
Studies say that Botox may be used to treat migraines. As far as treating migraines, there’s a new wrinkle.
Wendy's now has a Jumbo Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. Doesn't making a Junior into a Jumbo just get us back to regular size?
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I just pissed off a couple of guys because I referred to them as "hipsters." Apparently, the (finger-quotes) CORRECT term is "conjoined twins."
Best headline I saw from Lady Gaga not winning at the Golden Globes: "A Star is Snubbed."
The power just came back on. Oh, we've had electricity. I just didn't feel like doing anything until just now.
Christian Bale thanked Satan for his inspiration in portraying former Vice-President Dick Cheney in the movie, "Vice." Of course, Satan heard the compliment, since they obviously had the Golden Globes on in hell. In fact, it plays on a continuous loop.
Disneyland's Sleeping Beauty Castle is in for a $300,000 overhaul. Hopefully, they won't wake her.
Washington State's Governor, Jay Inslee, is offering pardons to the 3500 residents who were convicted of pot possession prior to it being legal. All they have to do is fill out a form. And, of course, remember to do it.
The Tampa Bay Rays are trimming their stadium seating capacity from 31,000 to 26,000. This way, they'll only be 24,000 shy of a sell-out.
New Jersey wins the number one honor of the state with the most people leaving. That explains their official state motto: "See ya!"
Lady Gaga won Best Original Song at the Golden Globes, but says it's hard for women to be taken seriously in music. Perhaps she would have been convincing if she had worn her meat dress.
Costco is now selling seven-pound buckets of Nutella. Or, as I like to call it, "lunch!"
Denver is close to legalizing magic mushrooms. If nothing else, it'll make it easier to get through the football season.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS AREN'T DOING THAT WELL
- Remember your number one promise? Not to make anymore Top 5 lists?
- That new treadmill you bought-still in the box
- You got into a fist-fight with someone over world peace
- You've started smoking. You never have before.
- You've actually put on 10-pounds since New Year's Day
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE EATING TOO MANY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES
- You named your children Do-si-dos and Thin Mint
- You got a thank you note from the cardboard recyclers for all those empty boxes
- Doctors have identified your problem-you've developed Samoas Syndrome
- You're now minus-300% of your New Year's resolution
- The Scouts refer to your home as "the big score"