From Facebook: "I've combined a laxative with alphabet soup. I call it Letter Rip!"
And now, here's The Count from Sesame Street, with the number of Roger Stone's indictments: "One indictment, ah, ah, ah... ..Two! Two indictments, ah, ah, ah... ."
Donald Trump now says he will deliver the State of the Union address after the shutdown is over... and, of course, make Mexico pay for it.
80 cockatiel birds were rescued from a California apartment. All of them had the same thing to say: "My God, we're sick of crackers!"
A study says people with tattoos are more likely to have a higher number of sex partners. Who was the first person you thought about? I went straight to Miley Cyrus.
The Pentagon claims it has saved $6.7-billion over the last two years. Apparently, they're buying fewer toilet seats.
Former West Virginia State Senator Richard Ojeda has ended his presidential bid. I'm shocked. I didn't even know he was running.
A ‘polar vortex' is getting credit for those extremely cold temperatures in the Midwest. At least, that's what its called in polite circles.
Howard Schultz is going to run for president. Wouldn't it be great if he had a Starbucks employee fill out his paperwork and they put down the wrong name?
A Florida metal hunter found a World War II grenade and promptly took it to a Taco Bell. Why? Well, it was a Sunday and Chick-fil-A was closed.
An airport beagle in Canada was able to sniff out 5,000 leeches inside a suitcase. I have to ask--is leech smuggling a big business? Couldn't it just be the result of really poor hygiene?
Pope Francis I is telling young people that life is not in the cloud. Well, yeah, that's the after-life, right?
A report says Jeff Bezos gives less than a tenth of one percent to charity. That's still probably more than I'll ever make in my lifetime.
A report says the NFL may consider moving the Pro Bowl from Orlando. Or, if nothing else, renaming it, ‘The Rain Bowl'.
It was too cold in parts of 10 states yesterday to deliver the mail. In fact, the U.S. postal changed its official slogan to, "Screw the slogan!"
A man has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for attacking another man who was dressed as one of the short yellow characters from the "Minions" film. Pretty despicable.
Ozzy Osbourne has postponed his European tour due to an infection. To be honest, I'm surprised that a virus would even dare go to in there.
From my buddy Skip Tucker: "What part of ‘I don't want to spend any more money' don't I understand?"
Seen on Facebook: "Alexa, fast forward to Friday."
From Facebook: If you forget my name, just say the word, “Beer!” and I’ll turn around.
A friend of mine commented yesterday that it feels like January 74th
Funniest thing I’ve seen on YouTube in a long time. A guy is on camera, being asked, “You have two choices. A, you get to spend the rest of your life with your wife, or….” and the guy interrupts with, “B!”
36,000 pounds of Tyson chicken nuggets have been recalled as they may contain rubber. In a related story, 10,000 Michelin tires are being recalled because they may contain chicken.
A study says early risers enjoy better mental health than those who sleep in. I remain the argument against the study.
A report says 42% of adults are not saving anything for retirement. Like I’ve always said, I don’t want to live forever, just long enough to be a burden to my children.
Saints coach Sean Payton says after losing the NFC Championship he sat in his room two or three days watching Netflix and eating ice cream. Of course, the first thing I wondered was, “Uh, what about pizza?”
A new study says Oklahomans are losing an average of $4,000 a year to Internet scams. If you are from Oklahoma and would like to buy Internet insurance, just send me $100 in unmarked bills…
There’s a move in congress to make Election Day a national holiday. Can you believe that? Congress actually moved?
TOP FIVE WAYS YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG MONDAY
- You knew it the second you accidentally parked on your boss
- Instead of paying for volunteers, company asking to test out new drug on you
- The health department just shut down the breakroom fridge
- The boss just announced a mandatory company tattoo program
- You just realized you never left work on Friday
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S REALLY COLD OUTSIDE
- You chipped a tooth on your coffee
- You have to break the smoke off your chimney
- The Statue of Liberty moved the torch to inside her robe
- You see a snowman building a fire
- Dog outside frozen to a fire hydrant
TOP FIVE THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR IN SUB-FREEZING TEMPERATURES
- Shouldn't need to say this, but no water balloon fighting.
- If you leave your husband in the car, leave the window rolled up
- An uncovered runny nose is just asking for trouble
- Never clean your teeth outside with a waterpik
- Cover your mouth when you sneeze or you could hurt somebody
TOP FIVE WEIRD THINGS HAPPENING BECAUSE OF THE INSANELY COLD WEATHER
- Starbucks is now selling lattes on a stick
- I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket
- Chickens are volunteering at KFC
- I saw someone trying to chip off a sneeze
- When I turned on the kitchen faucet, ice cubes came out
Laugh a little, would ya?