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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,197th Edition
February 8th, 2019
I only have ice for you
Big thunderstorm in Los Angeles last week. Traffic on the freeway went from 10 mph down to 5 mph.
Apple says it has fixed the Group Face Time bug. I overheard someone from Apple saying that the other day before I called him.
As a Seattle Supersonics fan, my biggest concern about Howard Schultz being elected president is that he might end up selling the White House to Oklahoma City and allowing it to be moved there.
You know, I've been wanting to try Keto, but my wife refuses to dress up like the Green Hornet.
From The Onion, the headline: "Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred by Functioning Sound System."
From Facebook: "If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss, then what does smoking marijuana do?"
Adam Levine thanked his critics after Sunday's Super Bowl halftime show. They should be thanking him for all the material he gave them.
I'm going to pay attention to John Malkovich more next year for the Super Bowl game. He was thousands of miles from the game, like he knew something.
Then there are those suggesting money for a wall around the New England Patriots!
A rare half male, half female cardinal was spotted in Pennsylvania. By the way, it saw its shadow and is expecting six more weeks of indecision.
A new study says food tastes better when your team is winning. Could explain why Oakland Raiders fans lost all that weight last fall.
The Detroit Tigers will have a smaller "D" logo on their caps next season... unlike the Detroit Lions which have no D at all.
A study says cutting out bacon and booze from the diet decreases the risk of cancer by 40%. I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention-what did I just say?
Netflix has ordered a docu-series on Gwyneth Paltrow's "Goop." I don't plan to couple with it.
They say that in that NFL 100th Anniversary Video they showed at the Super Bowl at halftime, Marshawn Lynch was the biggest hit. See what happens when you give him the ball?
By the way, CBS has a new slogan. "The Super Bowl? Us? No, that was on NBC."
Of course, this week for the State of the Union speech, once again, there was a Designated Survivor. Just for fun one year, we should make it Kiefer Sutherland.
The Super Bowl game was great! I haven't slept like that in ages!
A study says chronic pain is given as the top reason for medical marijuana. Yes, chronic for the chronic.
A report says cannabis products are being marketed for pets. I'll just point out that we are running the risk of somehow making cats even lazier. You thought they get a kick out of playing with yarn now... .
A study says only 5% of teens get enough sleep or exercise. The same is true of 5% of me.
Conan called Sunday's boring Super Bowl game the opposite of a nail-biter: a nail grower. About Bib Boi's big fur coat: "Yeah, it was from an animal that took its own life during Maroon 5."
From Jimmy Fallon: It was Super Bowl 53. In an amazing coincidence, 53 is the actual number of people who stayed awake for the whole game.
What I learned during the State of the Union address is that there are new rules. For example, its now OK to wear white before Memorial Day.
President Trump was very supportive of all the congresswomen wearing white at his State of the Union speech. Afterwards, he invited them all to a congressional spaghetti dinner.
The Oscars will be host-less for only the second time in history. They also have a new slogan, “More exciting than the Super Bowl.”
A new study says that half of all Americans admit they are work-aholics. Which is perfect for us slackers in the other half. They can cover for us.
A new study says that half of all Americans admit they are work-aholics. And that’s just what we know from those who took the time off work to do the survey.
Karl Marx’s grave in London was vandalized by a hammer. I had no idea he was a Trump supporter.
An Australian man defended pictures of him using a dead baby shark as a bong. If that guy even remotely believes in karma, he should seriously give up swimming at the beach.
Fiat Chrysler is recalling 660,000 trucks that may have steering issues. If you own one, they’re recommending that—right away—you crash it into your nearest dealer.
The Patriots and Rams are already favorites for the 2020 Super Bowl, which has people everywhere already yelling out, “NOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
Lenny Kravitz says he’s ‘deeply thinking’ about selling everything he owns. Ah, rich people’s problems. Conversely, I’m ‘deeply thinking’ I need a lot more stuff.
Dwayne Johnson says he was the first choice to host the Oscars this year, but he’s smack dab in the middle of filming Jumanji 2. I guess that means Jack Black is out, too.
Back when I was younger, people would ask, “How’s everybody in the ‘hood?” Apparently, in Virginia, that has a completely different meaning.
63% of American workers say they’re over-worked. Then again, that’s what makes them workers. At least now we’ve identified the 37% that are slackers.
You know as I look at my work day, I have to admit that my job seriously gets in the way of keeping up with Facebook and Instagram.
A new survey says that 22% of married couples lie to each other about money. I’m proud to say that I’m in a loving relationship, where neither of us lie to each other about money. That’s right, there’s nothing to lie about.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU DEFINITELY NEED MORE COFFEE
- Just when you thought you had arrived at work, your snooze bar went off
- Everything you try to say comes out in one big long yawn
- Look, you can't go the entire day with only one eye open
- You've already forgotten what number 5 was
- Your coffee cup is barking
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU REALLY NEED TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS
- A car ran into you, with the driver saying he didn't have enough gas to drive all the way around
- You've actually worn out six forks
- When you wore a green shirt, you were mistake for Vermont
- Every time you step on the bathroom scale, it screams
- You're walking on the sidewalk and it's creaking
Laugh a little, would ya?
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