- Nothing ruins your Friday like finding out its only Wednesday.
- I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I don't even know where tacos live!
- I made a huge to-do list today. Now, to figure out who's going to do all that stuff.
- Taking a dog named ‘Shark' to the beach is not a good idea.
- If you're paying $3 a bottle for Smart Water, it ain't workin'.
Brad Pitt says he regrets how he handled his divorce with Jennifer Aniston. Ross is also admitting that 'going on a break' was a big mistake.
Apple's insider trading policy enforcer is being accused of...insider trading. He's not only in trouble with the FTC but also the Department of Redundancy Department.
Sears CEO Eddie Lampert's new plan is for smaller stores with less apparel instead of their larger stores with less appeal.
And while we're on the subject, whatever happened to Roebuck?
A study says date night activities that bring couples closer together include painting and board games. Activities that cause couples to be further apart, going to Lap-Dance-a-palooza at a strip club and playing Dodge Darts.
For the record, I am NOT the Peacock on "The Masked Singer." Nobody asked, but in case they did, you know its not me.
Experts are warning that a deadly disease affecting deer in 24 states and two Canadian provinces could spread to humans. Can "The Walking Venison" be far behind?
A president should never set a precedent because it's just too hard to say those words clearly in the same sentence.
Uber reportedly lost $1.8-billion in 2018. That explains why I saw their CEO the other day, hitchhiking.
A study says that men who can do 40 pushups at a time have a reduced risk of stroke and heart attack. Oh, I can do 40 at a time, if that time is a couple of weeks.
I have mixed feelings. You know, like you get a party invitation, but it's from the Donners.
Las Vegas got several inches of snow on Monday. What were the odds? No really, I want to know... .
West Virginia teachers have gone on strike. They say that education are in trubel.
The scientist who coined the phrase, "global warming", has died. Well, if you can't stand the heat... .
So apparently, Kanye West paid Kenny G to serenade his wife, Kim Kardashian, surrounded by a sea of single-stem roses for Valentine's Day. Can hiring Eddie Rabbit for Easter be far behind?
More than 7,000 people have signed an online petition to sell Montana to Canada to help pay off the national debt. If we can get the right money, maybe we make it Montana and a Dakota to be named later.
A tractor-trailer accident near Atlanta resulted in 40,000 pounds of broccoli all over the freeway. So, broccoli is good for you UNLESS you're an Atlanta commuter.
New York City is getting ready to ban discrimination based on hairstyles. My guess is that the mullet people are behind this one... .
Lindsay Vonn is already complaining about being bored during retirement? She just retired last week!
Manny Machado has signed a 10-year, $300-million with the San Diego Padres. In a related story, the Padres announced they're only going to play one player this season.
Lady Gaga and her fiancé have broken up. She's apparently over him, and he's no longer Gaga over her.
A study says a four-day work week lowers stress with no drop in productivity. May I just say, "God bless our researchers. Keep up the good work!"
Khloe Kardashian has thrown in the towel, breaking up with Tristan Thompson after she found out her baby daddy allegedly cheated on her with Kylie Jenner's best friend. There. I just saved you watching an entire episode.
Kylie Jenner says she is self-made because her parents cut her off at 15. I'm still uncomfortable using the phrase cut-off in a sentence containing the word, "Jenner."
A woman gave birth on a Jet Blue flight from Puerto Rico to Florida. You thought it was tough getting to the restroom with the drink cart in the aisle.
A study says 30 minutes of morning exercise can cut a person's blood pressure. That's awesome. I've probably done at least 30-minutes so far this year.
NASA is making daily weather reports from Mars available to the public. Finally, we can get working on planning that vacation.
Gwyneth Paltrow is denying blame for a crash on a Utah ski slope. She says it wasn't her fault that the skier and his skis uncoupled.
Burberry has apologized for a hoodie that comes with a noose around the neck. The designers said they were inspired by a real incident in... oh, never mind.
I keep hearing these reports about zombie deer meat. You know, if Bambi's mom does come back, she is going to be PISSED!!!!
Former Detroit Lions star Calvin Johnson has been approved for a medicinal marijuana dispensary in Michigan. He's just got to have a Wolverine Brand. Just light it, inhale and hold it until you, "Go Blue!"
TOP FIVE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE WIZARD OF OZ
- Toto actually had a less-famous younger brother named Tito
- Not surprising, the Wicked Witch of the West actually hated ding dongs
- The Lion and the Scarecrow didn't get along, mostly because the Lion had hay fever
- They almost couldn't make the yellow brick road because the studio censors were uncomfortable with shipping bricks
- The Tin Woodsman actually works part-time these days as a smoker
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE A CHEAPSKATE
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU'LL NEVER AGAIN RENT A CAR FROM THAT RENTAL CAR COMPANY
- At a funeral where guests were invited to put money in the casket, you wrote a check
- You think free will is too expensive
- You're so cheap, you hate even paying attention
- You've been chewing the same piece of gum since 2005
- You celebrate Valentine's Day on February 15th to get those half-off prices on everything
- There's that $5 fee for reading the entire rental contract
- There was that steering wheel usage fee
- There was a 50-cent-a-blink charge for the blinker
- Seat belts, not included
- Blood stains in back seat were never explained
Laugh a little, would ya?