Lawmakers have introduced a bill granting Puerto Rico statehood. The biggest opponents-flag makers. "Where the hell are we supposed to put that 51st star?"
The Army is looking to video gamers for new recruits. We want to be SO ready for that zombie apocalypse.
Just days after the prosecutors dropped all charges against Jussie Smollett, he was nominated for the 2019 NAACP Image Awards on Saturday. Apparently, Bill Cosby had a previous commitment.
President Trump's pick for the Federal Reserve Board owes $75,000 in taxes. In other words, he's like family.
From Facebook: Cargo pants sounds so much better than purse pants.
OK, one slogan has already been thrown out: "President Joe Biden-How does that grab you?"
A group of Polish Catholic priests have begun burning books they feel are sacrilegious, including the Harry Potter books. Imagine priests attacking a young boy and... .oh. Never mind.
When Dumbo heard how little money his movie pulled in over the weekend, he couldn't believe his ears. We couldn't believe them, either.
From Facebook: A truck loaded with Vicks Vapo-Rub overturned on the freeway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
My kids hate April Fools Day. It probably came from all those "We're going to Disneyland-April Fools!" while they were growing up.
Drivers in New York will have to pay a "congestion fee" of $11.50 in order to be able to drive in Manhattan. I'd give you $20 to not have to drive there!
Toyota has developed a robot that can shoot free throws or 3-point shots with 100% accuracy. Because it can only shoot and doesn't pass, they've named it "Kobe."
Cow toilets are being used in the Netherlands to cut emissions. They've already had their first graffiti-it said, "Caroline is a heifer."
A study says managers say March Madness increases staff morale and productivity in offices. I have to admit that when I'm at work, it really cuts into my Facebook time.
Doctors say that because he's healthy, Mick Jagger has a 95% recovery rate from his schedule heart surgery on Friday. As for Keith Richards, they can't explain it.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Tom Cruise has succeeded something like six times in a row. Why do they still think these missions are impossible?
Bristol Palin says she is done with "Teen Mom: OG." Now all we need is an address to send the thank you notes.
Catholic priests in Poland burned Harry Potter books. Potter fans have cast the spell on them, "Alter-boyus Denias."
From Facebook: I swear, if I see one more person texting and driving on the freeway I'm going to throw my beer at 'em.
Wishing all the best to Mick Jagger today, as he undergoes valve replacement surgery. And while we're at it, wishing all the best to Keith Richards on making it through the day,just on general principles.
A new survey says that people in West Virginia watch more TV than any other state. That also explains why the most popular pet in West Virginia is the remote control.
The Supreme Court has ruled that the Constitution does not ensure “painless” executions. You know, if they’re not careful, some of those executions could kill people.
A report says Canada is warming at twice the rate of the rest of the planet. The Prime Minister is urging all citizens to move their Labatt’s to the refrigerator, just to play it safe.
Tom Petty's widow and his daughters are fighting over his estate. Who knew they would all be so….oh.
Kraft has come out with a condiment that’s a combination of ketchup and Ranch dressing. They’re calling it Kranch. I suppose that’s a much better name than Ratsup.
TOP FIVE SPRING SONG TITLES JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO WRITE A MELODY TO GO WITH THEM
- "I'm Glad I'm not Jussie's Girl"
- "There's a certain badness about March Madness"
- "Here we go again, it's time to mow again"
- "Hey Joe, leave my tulips alone"
- "I'm bawlin' because of the pollen"
TOP FIVE SONGS JOE BIDEN PROBABLY WON'T BE USING ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
- Georgia Satellite's "Keep your hands to yourself"
- Exile's "Kiss you all over"
- Fleetwood Mac's "Hold me"
- Boston's "More than a feeling"
- The Who's "See me, Feel me"
TOP FIVE HINTS THAT STORY YOU'RE READING ABOUT IS FAKE NEWS
- The writer's name is Bob Pants-on-fire
- It came from the disassociated press
- The Rolling Stones can't be having a reunion tour-they never broke up
- I'm pretty sure Nancy Pelosi wouldn't melt if doused with a bucket of water. Pretty sure.
- I don't remember President being with a ballet troop
Laugh a little, would ya?
