A report says church membership is down sharply the past two decades. I blame the N.F.L..
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un are meeting in Russia this month. We don't know when, but we'll know when the president's ears burst into flames.
Presidential Press Secretary Sarah Sanders admits that she lied once to the press. I think the word "once" makes that another one.
A political figure, lying? That could end up giving politics a bad reputation.
Today is the annual White House Easter Egg roll. After the Mueller Report came out, some thought the eggs would be replaced with heads this year.
Washington State has been ranked as one of the best places to find love after 50. I would think after 50 you'd be too exhausted.
An Arizona woman was jailed after sending 159,000 texts to a man after one date. There's a match.com commercial you'll never see.
Adele and husband Simon Konecki have separated after two years of marriage. Or, as her record company calls it, "album material."
As my pastor likes to say at Easter, "See you at Christmas!"
A new study says that the person you become when you're drunk is your truest self. Unfortunately, management has insisted you get this version of me.
10% of Americans don't use the Internet. I had no idea there were that many Amish in the U.S.
President Trump has said, "Nobody disobeys my orders", which would explain all the fast food for the sports teams that visit.
By the way, President Trump and his wife Melania have been invited to Buckingham Palace to meet with the Queen in June. White House writers already have the first draft of an apology letter. They'll just have to fill in the blanks.
Coffee bean prices are the lowest they've been in a long time. Apparently, no one has gone in and told the folks at Starbucks.
Elizabeth Warren has announced a "College Forgiveness Plan." I don't have any loans, but there are quite a few things that I probably need forgiveness for.
A study says millions of people still use "123456" as their computer password. I have no idea why they haven't switched over to "ABCDEFG."
They say this Sunday's episode of "Game of Thrones" is going to be about 90-minutes of battle. So it'll be like having the in-laws over.
Another new study out: After a person's age, sex, race, socioeconomic status, diet, lifestyle, body mass index and disease status were taken into account, the study found that those who never had breakfast had a 87% higher risk of cardiovascular mortality compared with people who had breakfast every day. Eat breakfast, if nothing else, so they'll stop doing studies on it.
An elderly woman in Arkansas is being accused of murdering her husband because he promised to quit watching porn and didn't. Well, he has now.
And the USA's most polluted city is once again Los Angeles. They've been given a nice plaque to hang on their air.
Henry Bloch, co-founder of H-and-R Block, has died at age 96. He couldn't get an extension.
Prince Philip was seen behind the wheel for the first time since crashing his car in January. Hey, if you don't like how he drives, just stay off the sidewalks!
United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz says it's time to stop shrinking airline seats. For one thing, it makes it harder to pull passengers out and drag them off the jets.
Melinda Gates says that being married to Bill Gates is "incredibly hard" sometimes. Hey, Melinda, sometimes you just need to be patient, take several deep breaths and look at your bank account statement.
640 new words and phrases have entered into the Merriam-Webster sports dictionary. One of the newer entries-which really surprises me that it wasn't in there already-is "Duke sucks!" (or pick your favorite sports nemesis)
Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf signed legislation this week, designating the Eastern hellbender salamander as the official state amphibian. Interesting to note that it's more commonly known as a "snot otter." The salamander, not the governor.
Archeologists who found some 1,500-year-old fossilized human poo were shocked to discover that the human had eaten an entire rattlesnake-skin, fangs and all! You don't have to be a scientist to figure that alcohol must have been involved.
Scientists say now that the taste cells in our tongue contain the same smell receptors as those found up our noses. So, we can smell with our tongues. Why do I have this incredible urge now to pick my tongue?
The U.S. Navy has updated their protocol for pilots who are reporting U.F.O.'s. Zelbarb the Magnificent has given his approval from the mother ship.
A new report says that Americans are sitting more than ever before. I'd give you more details about that report, but they're way across the room on that table.
The N.F.L. draft is underway. I'm just glad they're done mocking it. That's not nice.
The annual Lyrid Meteor Shower is Sunday and Monday night, in the wee hours. You know, that time of night when you wake up to wee.
A new study says that Twitter doesn't accurately reflect how most Americans think. In a related story, the president just tweeted, "Oh, yes it does!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS GAS PRICES HAVE GOTTEN RIDICULOUSLY HIGH
- They're giving away a free car with each fill-up
- Those new diamond-crusted gas pump handles seem a bit unnecessary
- The price of a tank of gas is more than your first car
- After winning the lottery, the first thing you plan to do is fill up
- After filling up, attendant gives you a thank you bouquet
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE REALLY TIRED
- A sloth just said you look tired
- Grocery checker asks if you want to use the bags under your eyes
- When making coffee this morning, you skipped the water and just chewed the grounds
- You overslept your alarm by 3 days
- You fell asleep and forgot to take a nap
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE GONE TO A COMIC-CON KNOCKOFF
- Biggest star in attendance is the superhero, Fly Swatter
- George Takei went on social media to make sure you know he wasn't there
- Seems odd they're holding it in a bowling alley
- So-called stars are actually paying to have their picture taken with you
- Wait, that's not Chris Hemsworth! It's his third cousin, Clyde.
Laugh a little, would ya?
