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Our 1,208th Edition
May 3rd, 2019

Of course, tomorrow, May the 4th be with you

Kanye West is considering starting his own church. Not sure who he plans to worship, but I have an idea.

A study says the world is sadder and angrier than ever before. That pisses me off, while depressing me at the same time.

A study says eating fruits, vegetables and grains cuts the risk of heart failure by 41%. Oh, sure, just throw that in my face.

The director of an animal sanctuary in Arizona was seriously injured last week when he was attacked by a tiger. He was attempting to move it to a safer place with some bad weather on the way, further proving the old "no good deed goes unpunished."

If you plan on saying anything about "Game of Thrones" or "Avengers: Endgame", don't speak to me. Good morning.

A small town in the Philippines has actually banned gossiping. I hear they're a bunch of snarky people. That would get you 30 days.

An NRA audience member threw a cellphone at guest speaker Donald Trump, missing him by 30 feet. Obviously, an NRA member who doesn't go to the practice range very often.

A study says the universe is expanding faster than previously thought. Funny-me, too!

Watching "Game of Thrones," it's completely understandably why being a life insurance agent is not a popular career choice.

So, Woodstock 50--that anniversary concert that was supposed to take place--has been canceled. Now you'll just have to tell people that you were there for the cancellation.

A report says 70% of people lie about their vacations to impress others. I heard that while I was visiting the pyramids over the weekend.

In Utah, a naked woman was arrested at a strip mall. Sometimes, people are just too literal... .

Is it too silly to think? James Holzhauer for president? I mean, we're looking for someone with the answers. He apparently has them all!

I know if I had been in last week's episode of "Game of Thrones", I would have at least brought along a flashlight.

Norwegian scientists are disturbed after finding a beluga whale in their waters wearing a Russian harness. The disturbing part was the fishnet stockings it had on.

I went to a burn boot camp. I lit the boot on fire, sat down, cracked open a beer... and they all just stared.

Lori Loughlin and her husband have pleaded not guilty in the college admissions scandal. They said if they were found innocent, there'd be "an extra hun in it for the judge", whatever that means.

Scientists have discovered a gene with the potential to extend human life to 200. Of course, that means we're closer than ever to living 100 years in Depends.

Bill Clinton is going to start a podcast about his presidency called, "Why Am I Telling You This?" It was between that and, "It all depends on what your definition of a podcast is."

A cannabis investor gave $9-million to Harvard and MIT to study health effects of pot. We're pretty sure he meant to do it.

Pennsylvania police are looking for a guy who walked into a grocery store, grabbed $200 worth of crab and Dove products and then walked out the door without paying... .only to return a couple of hours later and do the same thing, but this time, all Dove products. Police describe the suspect as fresh-smelling and dangerous.

You know, if congress would really like to do the country a favor, instead of working to get the president's tax returns, could you just take away his phone?

I stopped watching the nightly news on TV. It was nothing but murders, death and killing every night. Now, I watch other shows in my spare time, like "Game of Thrones."

Marijuana lounges have been approved by the Las Vegas city council. Now, what happens in Vegas probably just won't happen.

The Florida Legislature has outlawed local governments from banning plastic straws for 12 years. Suckers! Yes, big news for suckers.

A new study says that our optimism peaks at 55. Then again, if you're over 55, you already knew that.

A study says people wanting relationships should have sex on the first date. Coincidentally, that was the line I always tried. Without much luck, I might add.

Viagra has been found to reverse heart failure in sheep. I've always wondered-when sheep are trying to go to sleep, do they count humans?

A study says 1 in 4 Americans feel they have no one to confide in. Well, there's someone there, it's just that they're always on their phone.


  1. "Don't Bet On It"
  2. "Dead Last"
  3. "3-Legged Gerty"
  4. "Molasses is faster"
  5. "This side of glue"


  1. Gives everyone the nickname, "Human"
  2. Thinks the "Terminator" movies are comedies
  3. Worst person to travel with-always sets off metal detector
  4. Refuses to join the company swim team
  5. You take a coffee break, he takes an oil break
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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