I wish we had facial recognition software back when I went to college. I would have made it unnecessary to say, "Hi, I'm Tim. Who are you?"
Baseball attendance is down 1.4% this year over last. A spokesman for Seattle Mariners fans was quoted as saying, "Well, duh!"
Critics are saying the new Godzilla movie is just absurd. How could a film about a giant radioactive oversized lizard be absurd?
You mean all this time the only thing we had to do is put a picture of John McCain up in the White House and THAT would have kept him out?
My buddy Skip Tucker asks a great question: Has anyone else noticed that Dove chocolates taste much better than their soap?
NBA referee Ron Garretson was arrested in Arizona for extreme DUI after crashing his car into a tree. Yes, the tree's feet were planted.
I went and saw "Rocketman" over the weekend. It had nothing to do with Kim Jong Un.
I felt like I was watching a very bizarre episode of Star Trek yesterday. There's President Trump, lashing out at the mayor of London- "Kahn!!!!"
Saw this on the sign of an auto shop: "Stop here for a free brake inspection" and I'm thinking, "You know, if I was having trouble with my brakes, how am I supposed to stop?"
Saw this on a church: "Tweet others as you would like to be tweeted."
Televangelist Kenneth Copeland says he needs three private jets because commercial jets are "tubes with demons." Someone's apparently flown on United... .
Remember how in "Boston Legal", William Shatner's character would run around, randomly saying, "Denny Crane!"? I want to stick him in the White House and do the same thing, but change the name to "John McCain."
A study says up to 25 cups of coffee a day are safe for heart health and can I just say, "God bless researchers."
Of course, if you're drinking 25 cups of coffee, you're probably not wasting any valuable time sleeping. That might do you in.
The question in my mind--is the health benefit worth cutting back to just 25 cups of coffee a day.
A Florida man is facing domestic battery charges after he covered his girlfriend with ketchup while she slept. She woke up to a scene like in the Godfather, except this one would have gone great with fries.
I've finally hit the age where I hear about a TV show that I didn't even know was on the air, and I'm extremely O.K. with that.
Over in England, a post card arrived at its destination 112 years after it was mailed. And we complain about slow delivery here... ..
A new book says the way to improve life is by learning to say no. I was going to buy the book, but just said, "No" and after doing that, I figured I didn't need it.
Sophie Turner says making Jonas Brothers videos are "more chaotic" than "Game of Thrones." Yeah, but Game of Throne weddings kill.
Plagiarism charges have hit Joe Biden's climate change plan. Particularly the part where he said we should have acted on this "four score and seven years ago."
Lori Loughlin says she’s “exasperated” that her college admissions scandal case is taking so long. Well, she could always try to speed things up by slipping the judge a hun or two.
Walmart’s blue vests are getting a redesign. My guess is they’re going for that “Cloud 9” look.
Time to get out there and hit those After D-Day Sales.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKERS ARE UPSET ABOUT YOU COMING TO WORK WITH A COLD
Only co-worker that will interact with you is wearing a haz-mat suit
Giant banner hung from outside of building that says, "Stay at home, jerk!"
30-gallon bucket of hand sanitizer left on your desk
The report you just turned in-they burned it!
Well, for starters, there's that giant quarantine tent they put around your desk
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT ROCK GROUP UP ON STAGE SHOULD PROBABLY RETIRE
They ask if rather than leaving the stage and come back for an encore, they could just stay here
They've just played the same song three times in a row
Pee break needed during long guitar solo
Band members keep blaming each other for the fog machine
Lead guitarist keeps tripping over the walkers
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT POLICE OFFICER IS AN IMPOSTER