- My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house. I said, 'I'm afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening to everything I'm saying.' She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
- I recently bought a toilet brush. Long story short-I'm switching back to toilet paper.
The Seattle Mariners are having a Faith and Family Day Promotion on July 27th. If there's anything that can test your faith, it's this year's team.
We had a mild earthquake Friday morning in Seattle. I went straight for the earthquake preparedness kit and stood by, in case I needed to open a second bottle of wine.
The Atlantic Baseball League will experiment with allowing batters to "steal" first base. The only time I saw that attempted before was at a softball game and everybody was drunk.
Bobby Knight has bought a new home that's not far from Indiana University, as the chair flies.
A 58 year old chess player was caught cheating using a cellphone in a tournament in France. The most amazing part is that he made his phone look like a spare Queen.
A study says eating nuts is the key to staying in shape in old age. I mean, have you ever seen an old-looking squirrel?
Another study says boredom can lead to better creativity for kids. In other words, this show is great for the family!
And yet, another study says drinking alcohol at an advanced age can increase longevity. This explains that t-shirt grandma was wearing the other day that says, "Drinks well with others."
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I went out for a run this morning, but I came back after a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I can't run for more than a couple of minutes.
From Facebook: A picture of Marco Polo being quoted-"Yeah, I pretty much don't sit by the pool much anymore."
Washington Governor Jay Inslee is still campaigning for President... he made a surprise announcement the other day... he said if he is elected, he will ask soccer star Meghan Rapinoe to be the Secretary of State. If we get into a shootout with another country, I want her to be doin' the kickin!
IKEA said it will close its only US factory at the end of the year. Over 300 workers will be given a pen and paper so they can assemble their own layoff notice.
Game of Thrones received 32 Emmy nominations yesterday. Hopefully, fans will like how this ends.
- My boss said I intimidate co-workers. I stared at him until he apologized.
- Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but they can bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
- I have a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you think I'm sexy." Then I sit at green lights until I feel better about myself."
I put this up on Facebook the other day: "Copy and paste this if you can't think of anything to say."
Scarlett Johansson says she should be allowed to play any role she wants. OK, Old Yeller, let's start filming!
Police are warning that if you flush meth down a toilet, you could be helping to create "meth gators." It's like they know me.
President Trump yesterday said he doesn't have a racist bone in his body. So, apparently, it must be all the skin.
A Virginia distiller is being sued for trying to pass off whiskey as Scotch. Being one of those single malt snobs, the phrase "death penalty" comes to mind.
A study says happy people may live longer. If you're an unhappy person, it just seems longer.
A study says cats weigh more than they did in the 1990s. The introduction of Uber Mouse isn't helping.
The head of Planned Parenthood has been fired after less than 9 months. Sometimes they write themselves.
Being in Seattle, I'd just like to tell the Oklahoma City Thunder to "Go back to where they came from!" That felt good.
Hey, Facebook--what's with the idea of an app that makes you look older? Like I have any problems with that?
The Hoh (as in owe) River Valley in Washington’s Olympic National Park was ranked the quietest place in the U.S.. All that quiet, and not a library for miles…
A poll says Beto O’Rourke came in at 0% in New Hampshire. Beto says he’s not worried. That’s only 1 away from 10%.
AI is now able to solve a Rubik’s Cube puzzle in a fraction of a second. Take that, Rubik!
Scientists have found a new way to kill mosquitoes using radiation and bacteria. So, OK, your hair may fall out, but you’ll get fewer bites.
Jennifer Lopez took Alex Rodriguez to a strip club to prepare for her role in the movie “Hustlers.” Things were going great until one of the dancers yelled out, “Hey everyone, look! Alex is back!”
Charles Barkley says Zion Williamson is “out of shape.” This from a guy who once wore a green suit and was mistaken for Vermont.
So, Facebook came up with an app that makes you look older. I hear their development team is now working on an app that makes you feel more tired.
You know, with all that’s going on in this country right now, I can understand why aliens no longer want to visit us.
A new study says that most road rage episodes occur on Fridays at around 5:10pm. So when your boss catches you sneaking out early on Friday, tell him it's for your own safety.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE GONE A LITTLE OVERBOARD DURING AMAZON PRIME DAYS
- Next year, Jeff Bezos wants to rename the event after you
- Your credit card has actually started smoldering
- You've developed "Buy Now" wrist
- Website actually asks you, "Don't you want to take a little break?"
- Yeah, they were a good deal, but do you really need 43 knife sets?
TOP FIVE DUMBEST THINGS I'VE BOUGHT SO FAR DURING AMAZON PRIME DAY
- The Kindle version of "Teaching Your Pet How to Shed"
- Non-GMO, Organic, gluten-free placebo pills
- A solar-powered sundial
- A battery powered eggshell smasher
- A DVD Collection of the even numbered episodes of "Game of Thrones"
Laugh a little, would ya?