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Our 1,220th Edition
August 2nd, 2019

Wait, when did August walk in here?

A new study says that the average person thinks about sex 8 times a day. By mentioning this study, today it’ll be 9.
A study says one apple carries 100 Million bacteria. I’m surprised. I thought the plural of bacteria was bacterias.
Theresa May spent her first day after resigning as Prime Minister watching cricket. No one could understand. Not why she was watching cricket, the sport itself!
A New Jersey based pizza chain is selling crust-only pizza. How is that pizza? Isn’t that just called, ‘crust’?
Southern rock group Confederate Railroad has lost two gigs because of their Confederate Flag logo. Now they know what Hitler’s Good Times Band goes through all the time…
So, T-Mobile and Sprint have been given the OK to merge. Do you think their new name will be Trint or T-Sprobile?

Capitol One announced Monday that some 100 million accounts have been compromised. Apparently, the crooks no longer need to wonder, "What's in your wallet?"

They're experimenting with "tickling" therapy, saying that it can actually slow down the aging process. This, according to Dr. Goochie Goochie-Goo.

New York Giants wide receiver Golden Tate has been suspended four games for taking a fertility drug. I'm struggling with how that would give him an advantage on the field. The football field, to be clear.

To be fair, President Trump may have dissed Baltimore, but you should hear what the rats and rodents there are saying about him.

There have been two shark attacks in the past few days in Florida. How do they know it's Shark Week?

A report says vacations help people live longer. My guess is, when Death comes to your door and you're not home, that's gotta help.

Donald Trump says he has always liked American wines better than French wines even though he doesn't drink. Well, I'm sure I'd prefer American snails over French snails, but I don't eat either of them.

A study says too much time on the smartphone could make people fat. I read that on my phone the other day at the all-you-can-eat ice cream buffet.

Donald Trump is blaming the Obama Administration for bad air conditioning in the West Wing. Now he wants to repeal "Obama air."

A report says elevators have been getting stuck at the former John Hancock Center in Chicago. Must have been why John Hancock left.

A Singapore engineering company has built a robot that makes noodle dishes in seconds. I suppose now that we've knocked that out, we can get back to working on that cancer thing.

30% of Millennials say they can't afford love. I'm reminded of the phrase, "Just because you can't buy doesn't mean you can't rent."

From Skip Tucker: While most puns make me feel numb, mathematics puns make me feel number.

A report says 43 Million Americans struggle with reading and writing. We should probably throw in "tweeting" in there, too.

A study says morning exercise may offer more weight loss benefits than afternoon workouts. The study said nothing about those of us who manage to avoid exercise 24 hours a day, but I can guess.

Marianne Williamson is warning of the "Dark psychic force" of Donald Trump. In a related story, the president has fired Obi Wan Kenobi.

Dentists in India have removed 526 teeth from the mouth of a 7 year old boy. Can you imagine how much it would have cost for braces?

Scientists at the University of California at Berkeley have created a robot cockroach, that can apparently stand the weight of a human. OK, NOW can we get back to cancer research? I had no idea there were concerns of a cockroach shortage.


  1. "I know Joe Biden and you are no Joe Biden. Oh, wait! You are!
  2. "I fully support everything that I'm not opposed to."
  3. "I'm a big fan of the 2%. But why are we talking about milk?"
  4. "Who is Jerry Mandering and why does he keep coming up?"
  5. "Why did they call themselves the Tea Party when there were no finger sandwiches?"


  1. Dealing with whatever that thing is that's moving in the refrigerator
  2. Taking the piled-up garbage out from under the kitchen to the front seat of your car
  3. Discovering that pizza you baked in the oven last February
  4. Installing that neon sign in the bathroom to remind you to put the lid down
  5. Picking up his underwear off the pancake griddle
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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