New research shows that eating dark chocolate actually lowers your risk of depression. God bless researchers!
The world's first Artificial Intelligence bar has opened in London. I suppose going into a bar and having intelligence being the only thing that's artificial is probably a good thing.
A study says the Moon is 100-Million years older than previously thought. I'd say it was because of it's youthful look, but have you seen the craters on that thing?
A study says the Jaguars have the most vulgar fans in the NFL. And that's as far as our management is going to allow us to cover that story.
A $400 million yacht rumored to belong to Jeff Bezos was seen anchored off the coast of Turkey. Maybe he's considering buying the country?
A soccer game near Denver was postponed because of plague-infected fleas. A bit of a throwback to the days of the Bubonic Soccer League.
Ben and Jerry's is making an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. It's their first-ever ice cream that actually yells at you.
Mike Gravel has ended his campaign for president, surprising everyone except those of us who didn't even know he was running.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful tonight, or it was just the 20th outfit she'd tried on and he wanted to get to the party?
Alicia Silverstone says her 8 year old son Bear has an anger-free personality because of a vegan diet. Hopefully he'll be able to pass that along to his cubs some day.
A study says 1 in 8 American adults rarely eat breakfast. However, 3 in 8 American adults have several of them each morning... .
Krispy Kreme has introduced two Reese's peanut butter filled donuts. That scream you heard faintly in the background was my cardiologist.
Tim Beckham of the last-place Seattle Mariners has been suspended 80 games for testing positive for performance-enhancing drug. Obviously, they weren't very good ones.
Daniel Radcliffe says he has no interest in being the next Wolverine. Wow, that would have been one hairy Potter.
A toilet exploded in a Florida home when its septic tank was struck by lightning. Feeling better about your day now, aren't you?
A miniature golf course inside an English Cathedral is being criticized. The alter windmill hole is being considered extremely offensive.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she only lives with her husband four days a week. To be completely honest, I would settle for four.
A study says the least happy college students are at Xavier University of Louisiana. That explains the cheerleaders' favorite chant at games, "You suck!"
A study says Erectile Dysfunction is linked to poor work productivity and quality of life. Hear that, slackers?
Archeologists found signs of an ancient parrot in New Zealand that stood nearly three feet tall and was carnivorous. The really tough ones had a pirate on their shoulder.
Bernie Sanders says if he is elected President, he will reveal government information on aliens and UFOs. Finally, we’ll get the truth about Macy Gray.
In Tennessee, a man named Luke Sky Walker is wanted for theft. Obviously, he made a Wookie mistake.
Puerto Rico’s Supreme Court ruled the new governor’s swearing in was unconstitutional. I’m wondering if it was because she had her hand on a Kindle Bible.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR BANK IS HAVING TROUBLE
- They just stole your pen
- Changing slogan from "Friend of the Family" to "That Cousin You Avoid"
- They can't give you change for a $20
- Toll gate set up at the drive-through window
- Teller asks you to borrow your toaster
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED A LITTLE MORE COFFEE
- You keep turning off the alarm waking you up, then remember you're the pilot
- You're using scotch tape to support the toothpicks holding your eyes open
- 75% of every sentence is said while yawning
- You fell asleep leaning on your boss
- You woke up at 10am, realizing you had made it to work, but never got out of your car
Laugh a little, would ya?