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Our 1,224th Edition
August 30th, 2019

Coming to you this week from Ireland.

Larry King's 7th wife says she was surprised that he asked for a divorce. Three words come to mind: "Oh, come on!"

Larry's gotten to the point in life where he doesn't buy wedding rings, he rents them.

A survey says the Tooth Fairy pays an average of $3.70 for each tooth under the pillow. So, he shows up with $4, wakes the kid and asks him to make change?

A federal program suggest setting the thermostat to 82 degrees while sleeping. Oh sure, if I'm trying to get dough to rise.

Scientists have developed a blood test that can tell who will die in the next ten years. They've also gone on record as telling Charlie Sheen, "Oh, don't bother."

A study says fake news may lead to false memories. I seem to remember Abraham Lincoln saying that, but I could be wrong.

Pizza Hut is testing a fried chicken pizza. On humans.

With some of the new Lincoln cars, you'll be able to use your cell phone as your car key.

Walmart is suing Tesla after their solar panels broke out into flames. In Tesla's defense, they did break out in flames more efficiently than regular solar panels.

A Newsweek article questions the taboo of cannibalism. To be honest, the writer looked liked he would go great with a dry Cab Sav.

Six Connecticut people aged 62-85 were arrested for sex charges in a park publicized as a place to meet and have sex. All six seniors were charged with first-degree "EWWWW!!!"

80 people have been charged in a romance scam defrauding the elderly out of $6-million. Who ever thought a website named egeezer would have bad intentions?

A Beverly Hills real estate agent is accused of burglarizing homes of celebrities including Usher and Adam Lambert. They say he stole items worth thousands, plus commission, of course.

Tom Brady was denied a trademark for "Tom Terrific." "QB with the QT" was available, but he wisely chose not to go for it.

Just once at the G-7 meeting, I'd like one of the world leaders to yell out, "Bingo!"

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: ME: How many syllables are in the word "Gloria"? CATHOLICS: 18

I think I finally figured out why Donald Trump doesn't like China-he resents them because at least they got a wall built.

A new study says having a dog reduces your heart risk. Especially if you can teach it the old trick, "Fetch the cardio meds!"

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: If no one has taken you aside today and told you what an amazing person you are, let me be the first to say: it's getting late, so I wouldn't get my hopes up.

And this gem: I've always wondered why some people jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly. Wouldn't it be safer and make a lot more sense to try to fly UP to the top?

Visitors to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park are being warned to watch out for giant rolling balls of poop. Apparently, collections of bear, deer and raccoon are collecting and rolling down hills. So, if you're a fan, brace yourself to get hit with something.

By the way, why isn't Jeff Bezos doing more for the Amazon Rain Forest?

A new study from Boston University says that people who scored higher on an optimism assessment were more likely to live past the age of 85. Oh, that can't be right. (guess who's probably only making it to 84)

The oldest parasite DNA ever recorded has been found in some prehistoric puma poo. Somewhere in the world, a scientist's family is faking it and saying things like, "Yeah, that's great!" or "Totally awesome!"

A new study says that children in the U.K. are the unhappiest they've been in ten years. Apparently, it ain't a jolly holiday with Mary over there.

Indiana becomes the 12th state to allow sports betting this Sunday (now that Colts fans are no longer interested).

Donald Trump lashed out at Fox News, saying they are not what they used to be. In a related story, a pot called a kettle a racist name.

A report says the next recession could destroy Millennials. So if they're already living in their parents' basement, how could it get worse?

KFC is experimenting with a plant based fake chicken. I've got to believe that, somewhere, the Colonel is turning over in his gravy.

Boise, Idaho is ranked as the best city in which to buy a house. Unless, of course, you're commuting from Savannah.

Forever 21 is preparing to file for bankruptcy. While they're at it, they should change their name to "For a while 21."



  1. The city dump called in a complaint about you
  2. Co-workers have requested a "Bring your pet skunk to work day"
  3. Third time the haz-mat team has shown up this week
  4. People prefer to talk to you through glass
  5. As you walk along the beach, seagulls are dropping behind you
  1. Your fight song phone ring-all 16 verses of the song!
  2. Picking your nose with a giant foam hand
  3. The goalposts next to your laundry hamper (actually, I like that idea)
  4. You tailgate before everything, even church
  5. That replica of the stadium in your front yard
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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