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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,225th Edition
SepTIMber 6th, 2019

Yes, the month of SepTIMber is finally here
 

A new study says that marriage helps prevent dementia. That was my last hope.

Researchers say space dust found in Antarctic snow could be 20 Million years old. Which means an that ancient civilizations weren't very good housekeepers.

A Gallup survey says 67% of Americans feel burned out. I'd make a clever comment here, but I'm just too tired.

A report says synthetic pot is landing people in the ER. The problem is, they were trying to get to 7-11.

A study says Mississippi has the worst drivers in the U.S.. They would have been upset, but they had accidently driven to Colorado.

Kim Kardashian says her life is too busy for any more kids. This, according to her nanny.

From Facebook: Tattoo sleeves used to mean you rode with a motorcycle gang and would kill someone. Now, it means you're a chef that makes a lovely pork belly with balsamic drizzle.

Students at a Catholic school in Nashville can no longer check out Harry Potter books from the school library, as the school banned the books for talking about "curses and spells." In a related story, the principal has broken out in hog warts.

Justin Bieber bared his soul on Instagram and saying, among other things, that sometimes "it's hard to get up in the morning." Well, yeah, especially on those days you don't get up until after noon.

A new study says that cutting 300 calories from your daily diet could benefit your heart. Or, you could add them with one of those pumpkin-spiced donuts. Up to you.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker:

You pick a phrase, you pick a rhyme,
Repeat the sound another time,
Five lambs, then an extra beat will do ya.
Another rhyme, a rising note,
Congratulations, you just wrote
Another stupid verse to Hallelujah.

USA Today had an article called "How to tailgate like a pro." Are there really professional tailgaters? How did my career guidance counselor never bring that up in high school?

For your planning purposes, the Emmy Awards are two weeks from Sunday. That where TV shows you didn't even existed win a bunch of awards.

A study says 63% of moms are stressed on the first day of school. I don't know about you but I'm surprised the number is that low.

A study says even 80 is not too late to start exercising. Would it surprise you that was my plan all along?

London Mayor Sadiq Khan mocked Donald Trump for dealing with Hurricane Dorian from a golf course. He doesn't understand that if a golf club is occupying his two hands, he can't tweet! It's a win-win.

I posted this on Facebook yesterday: “I haven’t been hacked, but don’t accept any friend requests from me. I’ve already got plenty.”
 
I’m old enough to remember when you went out and bought new jeans because your old ones had holes in them. Now, you go out and buy jeans with holes in them because your old ones don’t. Confusing times.
 
I saw a post on Facebook, suggesting that those spiders showing up in our homes simply need a little love. Oh, they get love, alright, at my house. I’ve got a nice, comfy, cozy Kleenex waiting for them.
 
A group of scientists who searched Loch Ness in Scotland for their mythical monster now theorize that it could have just been a giant eel. Of course, they haven’t seen the eel. Then again, maybe the monster ate it.
 

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE EASILY DISTRACTED

  1. The phrase you say most often: "Oh, wow, I'm driving!"
  2. Whenever you multi-task, the original task never gets done
  3. Even the word, "focus" distracts you
  4. At the end of every meeting, you always say, "OK, let's get started!"
  5. You daydream about being distracted

TOP FIVE UNSUCCESFFUL FIRST ATTEMPTS AT PRODUCTS YOU KNOW

  1. Kleenex Spider Killers
  2. Almond Mildly Enthusiastic (not Joy)
  3. Starburnt Coffee
  4. Actually, I can believe it's not butter
  5. Pokemon Stay
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!
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