Our 1,227th Edition
SepTIMber 20th, 2019 (the actual high holy day)
Yes, blah-blah-blah, when I'm 64
The Roman Catholic Diocese of Rochester filed for bankruptcy protection last week. As far as a shocker, that came in at around $500-million on the rector scale.
A study says spending time with friends lowers the risk of dementia. Crap. Now I've gotta go out and get some friends.
The Nissan Rogue is under investigation for an emergency brake that turns on for no reason. In other words, your Rogue may go rogue on you.
A study says men and Millennials are the worst tippers. A spokesman for men and Millennials said it's probably because figuring out what's 3% isn't easy.
Maine will receive $2-million to study lobsters, not including the cost of melted butter.
A study says air quality in Beijing has improved over the past five years and most days, the skies are usually a healthier lighter shade of brown.
A survey says one third of U.S. families sit in silence while eating dinner. I can't remember if I've eaten with my family this week. I've been on the phone.
Wells Fargo staffers that were blamed for the fake accounts scandal are having trouble getting jobs. Well, actually, they get hired and then find out the jobs weren't real.
A $4.99 app called Streaks helps people form good habits. That is, unless, you have a habit of buying apps you never use.
A Delaware man won the state lottery after playing the same numbers every week for the past 20 years. He'll receive $25,000 a year for life but wants to remain anonymous... .which is really going to make it hard to congratulate Uncle What's-his-name.
So, "Rambo: Last Blood" hits theaters this weekend. I'll bet they still have one more sequel in mind: "Rambo: Iron-Poor Blood" or "Rambo: Geritol's Revenge."
A Missouri woman is fighting to keep her three emotional support monkeys. To think, she's just 997 more monkeys and a thousand typewriters away from creating Shakespeare.
China has banned flying pigeons ahead of a military parade. Are there other types of pigeons, other than flying ones?
Monday was National Guacamole Day. Looking at my calendar, I can see Monday has already turned brown... .
The CDC is telling people not to kiss their chickens. I suppose the key is to only buy ugly ones.
Ozzie Osbourne says he is "lucky to be alive" after a major fall earlier this year. The only question he had: "Uh, by the way, which year is it?"
Las Vegas has been ranked as the most fun city in the U.S.. To be clear, it was not "The most fun you can talk about city... "
First, there was Jefferson Airplane. Then they changed their name to Jefferson Starship. I would think that today, they should probably change it to Jefferson e-scooter, just to keep up with the times.
The iPhone 11 Pro actually has three camera lenses built in. Because I was having trouble filling up my phone with pictures.
My friend Skip Tucker asks: “Does anyone have a dairy charger? My milk is down to just 2%.”
From Facebook: I was going through the spice rack and I saw an expiration date of June, 2007, so I threw it away. Such a waste of thyme.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says voting is more important than sex. I’m guessing I must be doing one of them wrong.
A study says making decisions on an empty stomach can result in poor choices. A possible explanation how the Spamville restaurant chain stays open.
A study says Seattle has the best public transportation system in the U.S…which is all the proof you need to demonstrate that researchers drink too much.
KFC is experimenting with a new sandwich that is a piece of fried chicken between two glazed donuts. Unfortunately, the name Widow-maker was taken.
From Facebook: What do you say to the god of procrastination? Not today.
They’re saying that strippers and sex workers are not happy with Jennifer Lopez’s new movie, “Hustlers.” Yeah, you’d hate to put those industries in a negative light.
Now Justin Trudeau has to decide between doing a remake of the Al Jolson story or running for governor of Virginia.
This is the time he wishes there was only egg on his face.
Megan Fox says suffered a bit of a breakdown after she said Hollywood hyper-sexualized her. Yeah, let me tell you, that’s not easy when it happens.
You know, I’m actually old enough to remember when I didn’t know everyone’s politics. Yes, there was a time…
A study says the average American family spends $7,000 more than they budget for every year. One question: what’s this ‘budget’ thing they speak of?
World Car-Free Day is this Sunday where people are urged to not use their car all day. We’re celebrating by staying at home and just ordering phone from Uber Eats.
Fall doesn’t officially arrive until Monday, but tell that to my furnace. It started kicking on Tuesday.
TOP FIVE PLACES THAT REALLY NEED TO CHANGE THEIR NAME
- Staff Infection Falls, Florida
- Bed Bug, Alabama
- Poison Ivy Village, Pennsylvania
- Leper Land, Louisiana
- Contagious, Arkansas
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR FAMILY REALLY DOESN'T LIKE YOU
- When they moved, they never told you the new address
- When you call home, the first response is always, "Oh, it's only you."
- At Christmas, they hang your stocking outside
- The only gifts you get on your birthday are U-Haul gift certificates
- On their emergency contact information, they specify NOT to call you
Laugh a little, would ya?