- We are going to keep holding meetings until we find out why we're not getting any work done!
- What do you call a woman married to a hippie? Mississippi.
- If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a project I saw on Pinterest.
- We all know mirrors don't lie. I'm just glad they don't laugh.
- My daughter just asked why we say "hang up the phone" and now, I feel 90.
- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
- The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
They say that 9 earthquakes hit the Seattle area over the past week. Fortunately, all the caffeine evened it out and we never felt a thing.
So now we're hearing that Amazon's Jeff Bezos is interested in buying the Seattle Seahawks. I'm OK with that, being a Prime Member. I'd just order a Super Bowl Championship and expect it to be here in two days.
The Houston Astros are being investigated for using technology to steal opposing teams' signs. The investigation will last about two weeks. Unfortunately someone at the Astro's slipped and said, Oh, we already know how it turns out.
According to a new survey, Seattle has been rated the #1 Gloomiest Place to Live in America. Obviously, they surveyed a lot of Seattle Mariners fans.
A company called Air Protein is making meat from air. In a related stories, the king has new clothes.
A Chinese woman was temporarily blinded from excessive smartphone use. Teenagers everywhere were asking, "What is this word you're using: excessive?"
Americans now have a record $14-Trillion in personal debt. I'm doing my part to help us keep that record.
The parent company of Smith & Wesson is splitting up. I guess they'll give up weapons and go back to making cough drops and cooking oil.
Let me explain the Collin Kaepernick situation to the non-football fans by substituting Thanksgiving for football. So, Collin came to Thanksgiving Dinner and complained about how dry the turkey was, the yams were too sweet, the dressing was bland and then he was asked to leave. Several years later, he was given a chance to come back to dinner, but the original family said no thanks, so other families are being given a chance to have this guest at their dinner table. That's basically it.
Kanye West spoke at Joel Osteen's Mega Church in Houston on Sunday, calling himself, "The Greatest Artist God Has Ever Created." So he's still Kanye.
The HP board rejected a takeover bid from Xerox. No problem. They just made another copy.
Collin Kaepernick had a good workout in front of the NFL teams last weekend. The only thing he was missing was laryngitis.
This week is the 100th anniversary of Zion National Park in Utah. How did they know 100 years ago to name the park after a rising NBA star?
Mickey Mouse celebrated his 91st birthday this week. When asked how he stayed in such great shape, he replied, "Just one word-cartoonists!"
Nicholas Cage is in talks to star as himself in a movie about Nicholas Cage. I would only hope it would start with him broke and locked up-nickle-less and in a cage.
Down in Florida, a man was arrested for having a bag of cocaine in his car. He said it wasn't his--he was driving along and the wind blew it inside his car. Sounds like good stuff.
My thought on this whole "OK, Boomer" thing. If you're tired of a Millennial saying that to you, just tell them to move out!
Today Show hosts, Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, weighed themselves on the air this week. Another reason, among many, why I could never be a TV show host.
DMV workers in South Carolina are accused of taking bribes to let people skip lines. My first question: "OK, so how much?"
St. Paul, Minnesota was picked as the best city to visit over Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, Minneapolis feels like the twin that was left out.
They now say that King Tut died from a broken leg in a chariot race followed by an infection. Slowest diagnosis ever.
Snapchat says it will start fact-checking political ads. One of the rare times you'll hear the words ‘political ads' and ‘facts' in the same sentence.
Prince Andrew announced he's giving up his royal duties in the aftermath of his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. Which means now that he has no job and is living with his parents. At age 59, that makes him the world's oldest Millennial!
There's a new dating app for people who loves dogs, called Wowser. It's either a play on the word, bowser, or the inventor watched way too much Inspector Gadget.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Whoever created the tradition of not seeing the bride in the wedding dress beforehand saved countless husbands everywhere from hours of dress shopping and will forever be a hero to all men.
To assist you in your holiday shopping, Target is rolling out the green Elf Icee. I'm pretty sure the ingredients are just ice, sugar and green.
TOP FIVE WORST THANKSGIVING MOVIES EVER MADE
- "Frozen... .with Giblets!"
- "Fork versus Fingers"
- "A Feast Full of Dollars"
- "White Meat the Parents"
- "Butterball and Me"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT PLUMBER YOU HIRED IS GOING TO BE REALLY EXPENSIVE
Laugh a little, would ya?
- He lets you know he gives a discount if you pay in gold bars
- Overheard him saying, "I'll finally be able to get those new golf clubs."
- First time you've ever seen one put out a tip jar
- While working, look at Porsche brochures
- The name of the company is "Expensive Plumbing"