A SPECIAL WEDNESDAY EDITION--Thanks for letting me invade your inbox each week, as I have for over a dozen years. Once you're ready to hop into the holiday season, enjoy my annual Christmas collection of fun and favorites right here.
Not my joke, but funny--Scientists have invented a new six-legged turkey for families who enjoy drumsticks. The bad news--they all got out and no one can catch them.
- Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15-pounds Thursday at 1am for Thanksgiving. Black Friday Because only in America do people trample each other for sales one day after being Thankful for everything they have.
- Remember, be sure to being politics up at Thanksgiving this year so you can save money on Christmas presents.
- Did you know that in the Canary Islands, there is not one canary? The same is true in the Virgin Islands. That's right! Not one canary.
- I shot my first turkey today. Scared everyone in the frozen foods section at the store.
A Texas mom is "disgusted" after a daycare staffer wrote a note saying her child needed to go on a diet. That's all she could read on the note since it had been partially eaten.
A survey says 1 in 5 people are lonely on Friday nights. In my circles, they're asleep.
Mason Rudolph says he has no ill will towards Myles Garrett for hitting him with his own helmet. Garrett says he didn't mean to hit him with it, he was just trying to put it back on him. Yeah, right...
Miramar, Florida Mayor Wayne Messam has suspended his presidential campaign. Mostly because you didn't even know he was running.
I bought this sign when I was in Scotland this summer: "The last time I turned down a whiskey, I didn't understand the question."
NASA says they've found sugar in meteorites that have crashed to earth. I prefer my meteorites sugar-free.
Billionaire Michael Bloomberg has entered the presidential race. Thank God the mid-70-year-olds are finally being represented.
I just bought a cable knit sweater, but I'm thinking of switching to satellite.
A ship carrying 14,600 sheep has capsized off the coast of Romania. It's true: the sheep ship is not ship-shape. Shirtenly not.
An ice cream shop in Ecuador is selling guinea pig flavored ice cream. I'll bet in their grocery stores, they also sell Hampster Helper.
A new study claims that drinking 2 glasses of wine or beer a day is more likely to help you live past 90 better than exercise. I like studies.
Papa John’s founder John Schnatter says that the company’s board conspired against him and promises that a “Day of Reckoning” will come. However, he did not say whether it would come in 30 minutes or less.
As is tradition, President Trump pardoned a pair of White House turkeys. Congress had actually accused them of Quid Pro Gobble Gobble.
A new study says that Michigan is the most dangerous state for winter driving. Except, of course, in the summer.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THINGS AREN'T LOOKING GOOD FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER
TOP FIVE MOST COMMONLY SPOKEN PHRASES ON THANKSGIVING DAY
- Just in case, guests are asking if you own a stomach pump
- The Health Department came to your home and actually shut down your kitchen
- The Hospital Emergency Room just called to ask what time you were serving dinner.
- In an amazing coincidence, everything you purchased was just recalled
- The phrase, "I thought YOU were bringing the turkey!"
Laugh a little, would ya?
- "Was that you or the dog?"
- "Thank God for elastic waist pants!"
- "I couldn't possibly eat another bite. Time for dessert!"
- "Is this turkey OK? It's a little red."
- "Who's playing in the next game?"