- At first, I thought I was just in a bad mood. But several years later, I realize that this is just who I am.
- I can't believe how old people my age are.
- If you want to win 57% of all arguments, just make up a statistic.
- Everyone wants a Jetsons car in 2020. Not me. I want Rosie to clean my house.
- I had a goldfish that could breakdance on carpet. But only for 20-seconds. And only once.
- How many zombies could Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
- Or... How many Lowes would a Rob Lowe rob if a Rob Lowe could rob Lowes?
- The headline: Man Who Works From Home Keeps Naming His Dog Employee of the Month!
- Some call it multi-tasking. I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing originally.
- Any woman wanting a husband has obviously never had one before.
- Forget kale. What are Keith Richards and Betty White eating?
- Yesterday, I put on something that I bought five years ago and it still fit! OK, it was a scarf, but let's be positive here.
Fashion retailer Express is going to close 91 stores. Apparently, shutting down stores has become quite fashionable.
Do you think we should have a snooze bar on the Doomsday clock?
Tragedy in Northern California--Over 97,000 gallons of cabernet sauvignon -- enough to fill eight large tanker trucks-- spilled from a tank at a vineyard in Sonoma County, eventually finding its way into the Russian River. While the owners were really upset, there were some pretty happy brown trout.
I'm far from an expert on impeachment and I may be confused, but I do think Michael Bolton should be allowed to testify.
A study says half of adults consider themselves lonely. To me, the solution is obvious-meet the other half!
Brad Pitt clarified he is not on Tinder, saying he's not even sure how it works. So you can stop searching for him.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall, except in a fly swatter factory.
Indiana's oldest state employee is retiring at 102. Quitter.
An Ohio pizza place took down the message on their reader board after getting complaints about what it said: "Fat people are harder to kidnap."
Krispy Kreme is going to add 7 locations in New York City by the end of the year. Yes, Krispy Kreme is expanding and, thanks to them, so am I.
Frank Lloyd Wright's Architecture School is going to close after 88 years. And not by design.
A Michigan football coach was suspended for saying he would like to have dinner with Hitler. In the coach's defense, what makes him think Hitler would want to hang with someone from Michigan?
A Dutch man was arrested with 30 cell phones in his bicycle shorts after a rock concert. Yes, those were cell phones in his pants and he wasn't happy to see anyone.
Dusty Baker has been hired as the new manager of the Astros. Among the first things he plans to do is change the official team motto, "Cheaters prosper."
A study says the most dangerous state for crime is Alaska. I don't know about you, but that's why I never drive through there.
A new study says that the average American will spend around 21% of their life watching, "The Irishman." Dang, that's a long movie!
Claire Danes says she turned down the leading role in "Titanic." She must mean the one Leonardo DiCaprio got.
"Corona beer virus" searches have been spiking as the virus spreads. Now, these people searching are the same ones who were looking up "Disney Plus Sizes", "Impeachment Trial Size" and "Hairy Aunt Megan."
TOP FIVE ADVERTISING SLOGANS BEING TESTED OUT THIS WEEKEND ON THE SUPER BOWL
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE GOT A REALLY BAD HEAD COLD
- "Drink Budweiser-hey, they never named a virus after us!"
- "Cheetos never prosper"
- "Amazon-Soon, we'll sell you everything"
- "Eat more nuts-Mr. Peanut would have wanted it that way"
- "Forget the attorney! Go with Bernie!"
Laugh a little, would ya?
- Your nose is so red, Santa asked you to be Rudolph's backup next year
- A spokesperson for Nyquil says, "Oh, don't even bother."
- China has banned YOU from traveling there
- Your pile of Kleenex is mistaken for a ski resort
- You say the word ‘tomorrow' but it comes out ‘domorrowd"