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Our 1,245th Edition
February 7th, 2020
No, I didn't tan--that's a rain burn!

NBC is renewing the soap opera, "Days of our Lives" for its 56th season. Tom would have been excited to hear the news, but he was still upset about Brooke and how she was thinking of Brenda when she got the news about Eduardo.

John Delaney has dropped out of the race for the Democratic Presidential nominee, which came as a complete shock-since most people didn't even know he was running. Has been for two years.

Greta Thunberg has trademarked her name to stem misuse of it. Well, I guess there goes my Greta Thunberg Retirement Fund for Tim Hunter.

The Nike Vaporfly shoe could be banned for giving runners an unfair advantage. Hey, that's only true if they fire up the booster rockets.

The American Postal Workers Union is endorsing Bernie Sanders. My guess is, because they're the same age.

KFC is testing out Beyond meat. Why? Beyond me.

I'm just trying to imagine, me complaining about a Super Bowl halftime show years ago and my wife asking, "OK, Mr. Smarty Pants, what's your idea of a great Super Bowl halftime show?" and me saying, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe Jennifer Lopez and a stripper pole?" and then me, actually surviving.

China used a drone army to spray disinfectant over Chinese cities to fight the coronavirus. This according to General Darth Zhing.

A study says knife-related avocado injuries have increased in the past few years. Use avocado butter on your bagels and you're doubling your chance of an injury.

It looks like the show "30 Something" is going to be revived by ABC. It'll follow the adventures of the children of the original cast, as they try to lock them up in an old folks' home.

A gorilla at the San Diego Zoo recently underwent cataract surgery. It obviously has better health insurance than I do.

Even though we have an additional Leap Day added on, February remains the shortest month of the year. The longest month is, of course, "Dry January."

John Kerry is denying he will make a late run for President because of Bernie Sanders. Besides, as Kerry pointed out, he's got an Iowa Caucus to run.

A study says a low protein, low sulfur diet may prolong life. Of course, all we need now is a low-protein, low sulfur beer.

Makes you appreciate the fact that the Super Bowl wasn't played in Iowa, huh?

From Facebook: They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day and then just re-release the original.

All I know is that, immediately after the State of the Union speech on Tuesday night, Nancy Pelosi ripped one.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: OK, so how does this work? Do the Chiefs get their land back now, or what?

A New York man was arrested at a Vermont ski area for trying to drive his car up a ski slope. I know lift ticket prices have skyrocketed, but c'mon!

A North Carolina man was run over by a deer in a McDonald's parking lot. In case you were wondering, grandma is fine.

Amazon says there are now 150-million Prime members. At $119 each, of course they're counting.

I'm trying to get more excited about the upcoming Seattle Mariners season. Only team in baseball where the obstructed view seats cost more.

Pittsburgh has been rated as the top city for newlyweds. I'm assuming that's because they don't have to worry about being distracted by pro football.

Beijing has banned birthday parties to curb the spread of the coronavirus. And instead of blowing out the candles, people are requested to douse them with water, stir and then douse again.

Naked photos of Harvey Weinstein were shown to jurors in his trial. The judge had to finally yell out, "Mr. Weinstein, put those away!"

The Golf Channel's Brandel Chamblee is suggesting that the game of golf could be ‘fixed' by having them play only 12 holes. That's usually the number of holes I count anyway.

Alaska has been rated the least safe state for online dating by survivors.


  1. A Boy Named Sioux City
  2. Sally Corn Fields
  3. Water Lou Seal Ball
  4. Luke Dubuque
  5. Otto Des Moines


  1. "Wheel of Ambivalence"
  2. "Win Ben Stein's Box That Was Going to Goodwill"
  3. "The $2.37 Question"
  4. "The Price is Close Enough"
  5. "Dialing for Absolutely No Reason"
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
PSPS--Stalk me on Twitter for daily Wacks!
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