This is the Sunday We Turn Our Calendars Ahead One Month
Little League teams across the country are dropping the name Astro's because of the cheating scandal. In a related story, the Jetsons have dropped their dog off at the shelter.
Do you think banning the name ‘Astro's' is really necessary? Bang your garbage can once for ‘Yes' and twice for ‘No.'
Cleveland Browns tackle Greg Robinson was arrested with 156 pounds of pot in his vehicle. In his defense, he plays for the Cleveland Browns.
Roger Federer will miss the French Open after knee surgery, eliminating one of the easiest names to pronounce in the tournament.
A new poll says that congress has a 23% approval rating. Yeah, I'm surprised it's that high, too.
Astros outfielder Josh Reddick says his team intends to win and "shut everybody up." Should we give him the Good Sport of the Year Award now, or wait until the end of the season.
Happy Fat Tuesday, from the morning show voted #1 by people looking for something to give up for Lent.
The world's oldest man has died at the age of 112. I tell you, that title is cursed.
Pete Buttigieg alleges there were "irregularities" in the Nevada caucuses. A party spokesman said that most of those were corrected by eating more fiber.
My wife asked if I was giving up anything for Lent and I told her, "The Masked Singer." Everyone wins.
With all the yelling and talking over each other at the Democratic debate the other night, a lot of people thought they had accidentally tuned in to "The View."
Bernie Sanders still won't release his complete medical history. He also requests that you ignore that man over there behind the curtain.
A study says the least hardest working city in the U.S. is Detroit. Not surprising that the official city slogan of Detroit is, "Oh, I l'll tighten that bolt tomorrow."
Michelle Janavs-whose family invented Hot Pockets-has been sentenced to five months in prison for paying bribes in the college admissions scam. And now we know what made her pockets so hot.
The first rule of No Rules Club is to remember that we don't have any rules.
BMW has developed a rider-less motorcycle. Why? Are we not using up fossil fuels fast enough?
MIT scientists have created an AI program on what to do if an asteroid threatens to smash into Earth. Do I really need a computer program to tell me to panic?
A study says smart speakers listen to conversations 19 times a day. I always begin my conversations with, "Alexa, mind your own business."
Former presidential candidate and spiritual guru Marianne Williamson is endorsing Bernie Sanders. The guy just can't get a break.
- It takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
- I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
- When people tell me ‘You're going to regret that in the morning', I sleep until noon the next day because I'm a problem solver.
- You can't judge me by my past because I don't live there anymore. Except between the hours of 9pm and 3am, when I replay every single regret in my head repeatedly.
- I don't think outside the box or inside the box for that matter. To be honest, I don't remember where I left the box.
- Bernie doesn't golf. That's a savings of $334-million right there!
- Don't be mad at lazy people. They didn't do anything.
- People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.
- I'm not a 'glass half-full' type of person. I'm more of a 'I wonder where I left my glass' type person.
- Mashed potatoes are just Irish guacamole.
- How we know we're getting old-we're just one away from going from The Monkees to The Monkee.
- Supervisor: Why do I always have to come looking for you? Me: Because a good employee is hard to find.
- I don't really mind getting older, but my body seems to mind.
- 6-year-olds laugh 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15-100 times a day. Be six again.
- Answering the phone, "Sheriff's department, Fraud Division" sure has slowed down the telemarketer calls.
- The only thing Flat-Earthers fear is Sphere itself!
- If you boil a funny bone, you end up with a laughing stock.
President Trump address the nation the other day about the coronavirus. He said he has the best experts working on it, so they can tell him how to tweet it.
The number one takeaway from the last Democratic debate: next time, they should have moderators.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT FAT TUESDAY
- Uh, you may have noticed, you're the only one throwing beets
- Instead of Bourbon Street, you prefer Scotch Avenue
- You heard something different and wore your Frat shirt
- Your choice of alcohol beverage is cough syrup
- Instead of being gluttonous, you're constantly saying, "No, thank you"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY IS GETTING TIRED OF HIS JOB
Laugh a little, would ya?
- This year, he's planning to use Uber Eggs
- Just for fun, this year he's putting real grass in some of the baskets. I mean ‘real grass'.
- This year, instead of baskets, wants to use giant clam shells
- Well, there's the other day, when you heard him say, "Oh, crap. It's already Lent?"
- Wants to move Easter to Monday so it doesn't screw up a weekend