Humor, sanitized for your protection
- We started a band called 999 Megabytes. So far, we haven't got a gig.
- I'm not addicted to coffee. It's just that we're in a committed relationship.
- Does anybody have a recipe for ‘I don't know' or ‘I don't care'? It's what my family requested for dinner.
- I run like the winded.
- Hand sanitizer for sale. Asking $42-million.
- I'm not a hot mess. I'm a spicy disaster. There's a difference.
- Remember when you didn't need coffee to function and your back didn't hurt?
Kit Kat is coming out with a ‘Cookies and Cream' flavor later this year. Gimme a break!
Scientists are warning AI superintelligence is on the verge of "destroying civilization." I'm looking around at what's going on in the world right now and the words, "too late?" pop into my mind.
I would think by now that with the coronavirus on everybody's radar that people wouldn't give you such strange looks if you wear a mask. A friend of mine suggested it could be the Freddy Kruger mask I had on.
You've heard about that swarm of locusts devouring fields in Pakistan? China is bringing in 100,000 locust-eating ducks to see what damage they can do to the situation. I'm expecting the word 'Revelations' to be coming up any day now....
Rudy Giuliani was heard complaining he only has "five friends left." Anyone else surprised to hear it was that many?
Joe Coulombe, the founder of Trader Joe's, has died at the age of 89. So much for healthy eating.
In France, the Louvre Museum is closed out of concerns about the coronavirus. In fact, for the past week, the Mona Lisa has been wearing a mask.
In Iran, people are licking shrines to show they're not afraid of the coronavirus, even though they don't know where that shrine has been.
Scientists say they were able to create a gin using peas. There's one way to make sure you get your vegetables.
A study says 38% of people won't buy Corona Beer because of fear of the coronavirus. These are the same people who don't get their chimneys cleaned because of the flue.
Donald Trump says he is looking at closing the Southern border over the coronavirus. Mexico has responded, "That would be great. Keep it up there!"
People are just panicking about this coronavirus thing, causing long lines at Costco. Look, take a couple of deep breaths and let calm sink in. Then maybe, later this week, if you're still concerned about panic shortages and such, you can join the crowds at Costco. But wait until Friday. I can't make it in until Thursday.
The modern twist: If you're happy and you know it, wash your hands.
Alex Trebek has donated $100,000 to a Los Angeles homeless shelter and will have a wing named after him. I'm sorry. What really nice thing did Alex Trebek do this week?
Matthew Stafford and his wife are expecting their 4th child together. Yes, another completed pass.
Woody Allen has an autobiography coming out titled, "Apropos of Nothing" because the title "Not without my daughter" was taken.
A group of scientists are predicting that, due to climate change, half of the world's beaches will disappear by the year 2100. Then again, that means that half of the world's beaches will be new!
Over in the U.K., Boris Johnson and his partner are expecting a child. I'm expecting the birth to be known as "Pregzit."
"The Invisible Man" was the number one movie in the country last weekend. I'm surprised. I went to a showing and a lot of his family was in the audience.
Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison are officially divorced. Who could have seen that coming? OK, let's make the line much shorter and just have both of you who thought it would actually work out line up over there.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: How are supposed to know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving skills?
Amazon has clamped down on a million bogus anti-coronavirus products. Now I really don't know what I'm going to do with all this anti-coronavirus deodorant.
You know what I just realized? Because of the coronavirus, we've all become Howie Mandel!
I'm trying to be positive about this whole coronavirus thing. I suppose we should be grateful it's not the corona-extra-virus.
The surgeon general is warning that wearing a mask improperly may actually increase your chances of catching the coronavirus. So, if you see someone wearing a mask on the back of their head, please, let them know.
More and more employees are now working from home. In a related story, the ratings for the Hallmark Channel have gone out the roof!
China is cracking down on "sexual innuendo" and "celebrity gossip" under new censorship rules. Hey, "Nice set"... . of regulations.
Iran has temporarily freed 54,000 prisoners to combat coronavirus. I'm trying to figure out how you ‘temporarily free' prisoners. "OK, you guys, I want you back here a week from Thursday!"
364 pound lineman Mekhi Becton ran a 5.10 40-yard dash at the NFL Combine. However, we're not sure where he is now. He was unable to stop.
Remember when you used to say, "Boy, I'd like to shake his hand" and it meant you were impressed? Not it means you're mad at him.
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU'RE DOING THAT ARE NOT HELPING WITH THIS CORONAVIRUS THING
- Yelling at anyone who coughs, "They've got it!"
- You personally bought ever last roll of toilet paper in town
- That "I'm with contagious" t-shirt isn't helping
- When you cough, you cough into a mini-fan
- Instead of shaking hands, you greet people by touching their face
FIVE MORE WAYS YOU'RE NOT HELPING WITH THIS CORONAVIRUS THING
Laugh a little, would ya?
- Your phone's ringtone is now a cough
- Yelling out "I think Frank's got it!"
- Came to work today in a full haz-mat suit
- You filled up your Volkswagen Bug with Corona Beer
- You carry a Super-Soaker filled with Lysol