Sanitized for your rejection
One thing about this virus outbreak-I've become a master at spelling the word, ‘postponed.'
A note to Spellcheck: coronavirus is a word. Get used to it.
In Australia, a panicking woman accidentally clicked that she wanted 48 cases of 48 rolls of toilet paper. Delivered to her home: 2,304 rolls of TP at the tune of over $2,000. That figures out to be a 12-year supply. I guess everybody in her family knows what they're getting for Christmas this year.
A study says seniors walking for 30 minutes daily cut their risk of death from any cause. Well, of course, not walking in front of a bus.
The Mormon Church has disclosed a $37.8 Billion stock portfolio. Well, that was before Monday.
A study says coffee may stifle the brain's ability to think creatively. I differ to beg.
Me: My credit card won't work.
Cashier: Strip facing me.
Me: (unbuttoning shirt) Couldn't I just pay cash?
They say that with the coronavirus out there, using Tinder could be dangerous to your health. Of course, the same could be said if your wife found out.
China is trying to prevent the coronavirus from being brought back from other countries. Wait a minute-who started this whole thing?
And a quick reminder about the six-foot rule. If you have six feet, shoes are probably going to cost you three times as much as other people.
Yes, I enjoy being here with you, but to be honest, I'm doing this to manage my anxieties.
A study says an egg a day may be OK for people after all. My plan is to keep waiting for a study that backs up what I'm doing already, then I quit paying attention.
Skip Tucker tells me that he and Bill Gates have a combined wealth of $108 billion.
A Seattle Starbucks worker was diagnosed with coronavirus. The store became suspicious of him when he spelled a customer's name right.
The NBA fined Mark Cuban $500,000 for criticizing referees. When he went to pay the fine, he asked, "Hey, can you buys break a million?"
President Trump says he hasn't been tested yet for the coronavirus and, if you think about it, if you were the virus, would you?
There's now talk of extending the April 15th income tax deadline because of the coronavirus. In a related story, at H-and-R Block, H has been asked to stand six feet away from R.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I, for one, am severely disappointed that they named it "insomnia" instead of "resisting a rest."
In New York City, a conference on the coronavirus has been canceled because of the coronavirus. The announcement was made by the Department of Redundancy Department.
Wow, now the March Madness games are going to be played without fans. The next thing you know, the NFL draft is going to be held without players.
Pete Buttigieg guest-hosted "Jimmy Kimmel Live" last night, although, today, he's endorsing Jimmy Fallon.
The DNC says there will be no live audience at the Sunday presidential debate. However, no guarantees on the debaters.
Wow, the NHL, the MLS and the NBA have all suspended their seasons. At this rate, pretty soon the only things left are going to Betty White, Keith Richards and the Hallmark Channel.
- I don't trip. I do random gravity checks.
- Exercise makes you look better. So does tequila. Your choice.
- I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what comes out of my mouth.
- Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30-seconds in my head. That'll freak you out!
- A truck carrying Vicks Vapo-Rub overturned on the freeway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
- Remember, if you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, don't play dead.
- Some people aren't shaking hands because of the coronavirus. I'm not shaking their hands because they're out of toilet paper.
- I went into a pet store and asked for 12 bees. The storekeeper counted out thirteen and I said, "You gave me one too many." And he replied, "Oh, that's a freebie."
- I feel like I'm in season 5 of my life and the writers are just coming up with ridiculous stuff to keep it interesting.
- I have a 24-pack of toilet paper I'd like to trade for a 3-bedroom house.
- I can't wait to go to bed tonight so that I can lay awake and worry about things I can't control.
- The key to happiness is to simply let go. I probably shouldn't have adopted that philosophy while doing the dishes.
- Back in my day, the only time we started "panic buying" was when the bartender yelled out, "Last call!"
- If you don't like me, remember, it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
- Podiums at next debate to be equipped with Life Alert buttons.
- Not many people realize that chocolate makes your clothes shrink.
TOP FIVE UNLUCKY THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN TODAY ON FRIDAY THE 13TH
- Knife salesman at door is wearing a hockey mask
- Apparently the labels on your sunblock and hand-sanitizer got switched
- Look! Your pictures on TV and they're using the word, "epicenter"
- Your stockbroker broke a dozen mirrors
- Your doctor just coughed all over you
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE ADAPTING WELL TO WORKING FROM HOME
- It's understood that "I'm in a meeting" means you're watching Netflix
- You've stopped stealing pens because they're already yours
- When someone's in the bathroom too long, you complain about "the traffic"
- You put up snide comments about the boss in the kitchen because you know he'll never see them
- You refer to walking to the den as "your commute"
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU PROBABLY SHOULD NOT DO BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS
- Go to a Face-Touching party
- Practice your deep-breathing exercises in a crowd
- Keep putting off getting tested because you haven't studied
- While eating out, shake the hand of a different stranger between bites
- Accept a challenge to a Cough-Off
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO AGAIN THIS YEAR ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY
- Have your shillelagh waxed
- Drink a corned beef and cabbage smoothie
- Eat anything green in the refrigerator that's been in there for six months
- Announce to your family that you're Gaelic
- Challenge every leprechaun you see to a basketball game
Laugh a little, would ya?