Final Friday in March. I'm really OK with that.
You're suppose to sing a song while washing your hands, to make sure you wash them long enough. A common choice is "Happy Birthday." I like to be extra safe and sing, "Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida."
A 5.7 Magnitude earthquake hit Salt Lake City. Or, as seismologists like to call it, a "Salt shaker."
Bono has released a new song inspired by loneliness during the coronavirus lockdown. I believe it's called, "Where'd all the friggin' sports go?"
The surgeon general has said that "it's going to get really bad this week" and just to make sure there are no misunderstandings, he was not referring to this show. Although, there's no denying, he could be right there... ..
Did you ever imagine that this year's vacation plans may be simply, "leave the house?"
This year's NAB will not be rescheduled. That's why the boss asked if you wanted to go this year.
We've hit the stage where it's now more efficient to just list things that aren't canceled.
Oprah says that Stedman is quarantining in their guest house. Our guest house has a lawnmower in it.
Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift are having a war of words. Remember back when we cared?
President Trump is predicting that America will be open by Easter. In a related story, this---instead of Easter Eggs-kids are going to search for rolls of toilet paper.
Marquis at a movie theater: Now showing-No close encounters of any kind.
It says right here on my badge, "Essential." OK, so I crossed out the ‘non'...
I feel I need to point out that long lines only seem longer these days because of the 6-foot rule.
Not taking sides, just passing along. Use your own judgment: I'm assuming all of you who were saying, "He's not my president" are going to be mailing your checks back."
It's my guess, but I have to think that COVID-18 is feeling like a failure about now.
The mayor of Chicago says those who go out to exercise may face arrest. Another sound argument against exercise.
For those who've been cooped up at home for a while and aren't sure, today is Friday. For those really struggling, the year is 2020.
- Jewish irony-Passover being canceled because of a plague.
- You thought dogs were hard to train. Look at all the humans that can't sit and stay.
- Remember last year when the worst thing in the world was the Game of Thrones finale?
- Has anyone tried tossing a virgin in a volcano yet?
- Last night, burglars broke into my house, left the jewelry and took the toilet paper.
- They said to go to the store, that a mask and gloves were sufficient. They lied. Everybody else had clothes on!
- Homeschooling is going well. So far, two students have been suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.
- I've almost completed my 90-day trial of 2020. How do I cancel? I'd like a refund.
- I never thought I would see the day that weed was easier to get than toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
- Our cleaning lady just told us she is going to be working from home and will send us instructions on what to do.
- The whole country would be tested by midnight if Chick-fil-A was running the drive-through testing centers.
- We're about three weeks away from knowing everyone's real hair color.
- Don't forget, at 8pm, to change from your day jammies to your night jammies.
- Suddenly the whole nation is depending on staff that they didn't think should make $15 an hour.
- Every few days, try on your jeans to make sure they still fit. Pajamas will fool you into believing all is well in the Kingdom.
- Is anyone else sort of feeling like the Earth just sent us all to our rooms to think about what we've done?
- Six out of Seven Dwarfs are not Happy.
- Have we tried putting 2020 in a bowl of uncooked rice?
- Day 4 of social distancing. Struck up a conversation with a spider. Seems nice. He's a web designer.
- For the third time this week, I'm buying booze for the next two weeks.
- Now the pandemic is causing some criminals to be released from jail. If they get $200 and don't have to pass Go, I'm going to be ticked!
- After years of wanting to thoroughly clean the house and not having the time, this week I discovered that wasn't the reason.
- I ate 11 times and took 3 naps and it's still today!!!!
- I'm having a quarantine party this weekend. None of you are invited.
- You know who else lost their jobs? Burglars who would break into homes when no one was there.
- I've used so much soap and sanitizer that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.
- Coffee filters can be used as toilet paper, but it will affect the taste of your coffee.
- Ladies, time to start dating the older dudes. They can get you into the grocery store early.
- Starting to understand why pets run out of the house when the front door opens.
- So, after this quarantine, will the producers of "My 600-Pound Life" call me or do I have to call them? How does this work?
- Yeah, way to ruin the surprise, Spanish exclamation points.