Half-way through the month--only 2 years to go!
Sandra Bullock has donated 6,000 N95 masks to health care workers in Los Angeles. Which begs the question, what was she doing with 6,000 masks?
Finding all the eggs this weekend seems like a hollow victory, since I hid them for myself.
With so many schools being closed the rest of the year due to the virus, a lot of students are left holding on to their graduation robes, hats and masks.
The I.R.S. is said to have deposited the first round of stimulus checks. Oh, so NOW they're your friend?
Washington state is releasing 950 prison inmates to help prevent them from catching the coronavirus. The strategy was all fully explained in a document that has been stolen.
Grocery stores are now setting up special Senior Hours for shoppers. The toughest part is admitting that you now fall into that category.
I don't know why I think this way, but I'm betting right about now, COVID-18 feels like a real underachiever.
The XFL is shutting down and going away. I'm really going to miss those games I kept forgetting to watch.
Where is Walla Walla? Between Ting Tang and Bing Bang.
My friend Mark Merchant said to me the other day, "You made my day, whatever day this is."
Tears for Fears has asked President Trump not to use their song, "Everybody wants to rule the world". He hasn't used it, yet... .but just looking down the road.
So, some businesses and churches want to re-open? I'm reminded of the words of Ebenezer Scrooge who once said, "... they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population."
As President Trump said that he had "complete authority" over states, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said that Trump was "not a king"... to which President Trump responded, "Off with his head!"
Is it spring break yet? Or did I miss it? Did I have fun?
First, Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden. Then, former President Barrack Obama endorsed Biden. Then Elizabeth Warren. So, not to be left out, today Joe Biden endorsed himself.
Strip Clubs are suing the federal government, hoping to get some of the disaster relief money. I'm OK with that, as long as it's all in ones.
A zoo in Thailand is being criticized for forcing a chimp to ride a bike around and spray disinfectant around the zoo. That is so wrong. He really should be out front, trimming those hedges. They look really scruffy.
Pebbles Cereal is posting daily videos for kids on better eating and nutrition. I'm just assuming one of the episodes tells kids not to eat Pebbles Cereal.
I'm getting the same feeling watching those anti-quarantine protestors in Michigan that I had when I was watching those teenagers ignore the shark warning in "Jaws."
A new study shows that the average American is viewing 8-hours of video content every day. Even more if they have to work overtime.
Conan O'Brien said it: "Can we temporarily raise the bar on what determines if you're an alcoholic?"
TOP FIVE QUESTIONS THAT ONLY A SCAMSTER WOULD ASK YOU
- Whoever decided that a liquor store was more essential than a hair salon, you're obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey
- Here's a fun quarantine game: someone leave a case of beer on my porch and I'll try to guess who it was!
- I saw a man pushing a wagon up a hill filled with horseshoes, 4-leaf clovers and rabbit feet and I thought, "Boy, he's pushing his luck."
- I'm not counting this year towards my age.
- The good news is that no matter how much I eat, my shoes still fit!
- My husband said he would take a bullet for me, but then he criticized my driving all the way to the hospital.
- When the quarantine is over, can we not tell some people.
- What COVID-19 taught us: That half of us can do our jobs from home and that the other half of us deserve to be paid more.
- So far during the quarantine, I've finished 4 books. And that's a lot of coloring!
- If you see me talking to myself this week, I'm having a parent-teacher conference.
- Anyone else's car getting three weeks to the gallon?
- "Alexa, clean the house!" Still not working.
- A teardrop tattoo means you killed someone in prison. A toilet paper tattoo means you killed someone in Costco.
- You're not allowed to visit me, but you are allowed to leave me liquor on the porch.
- Red Wine: the glue holding this nightmare together.
- At this point, I'm not sure which is scarier-taking my temperature or weighing myself?
- The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors--how dense the population is and how dense the population is.
- There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it's cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
- Turning the corners at the supermarket like I'm in a haunted house.
- Becoming skinny this summer has been canceled. Pass that cupcake.
- Why is Miss Universe always from Earth?
- Quarantine has shown me that you really don't need fun to have alcohol.
- My wife blocked me from posting on Facebook because I was doing too many bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game.
- Another wine bottle emptied with no genie at the bottom. I guess I'll keep trying.
- Glad I didn't waste a lot of money buying a planner for 2020.
- Yesterday, my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen and so he cleaned it thoroughly and wiped everything down. Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog the whole thing. Oh, how we laughed!
- Quarantine Day #25: Went to a restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather your own ingredients and make your own meal. I don't know how this place stays in business.
- My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant that when I pee, the toilet gets cleaned.
- Oh-oh. Now what? I just finished Netflix.
- Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.
- I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time hearing you. Can you read me your credit card number?
- Can you send us a signed check? But don't fill in the amount. The ink will smear.
- Can you pay in unmarked bills?
- What are the last 25 digits of your bank account?
- So, what are you wearing right now?
TOP FIVE WAYS TO DESCRIBE STAYING APART, TOGETHER
- Isolated Unity
- Unconnected Oneness
- Individual Togetherness
- Non-merging Oneness
- Separate Unification
Laugh a little, would ya?