Washington State is considering changing their official state motto to, "First in Coronavirus and Murder Hornets."
Now, we're also experiencing an attack by Gypsy Moths. You know, if we could just start a feud between the Murder Hornets and the Gypsy Moths, problem solved!
They say that the more you practice paying attention, the better your attention span... something.
Nike and 7-11 have teamed up to create Nike shoes in 7-11 colors. The slogan for the new shoes is "Just leave it on the grill until it sells."
McDonald's has rolled out a Kit Kat Ruby McFlurry made with pink chocolate, with candy bar pieces and raspberry sauce. I think I put on 5 pounds just reading the description.
Land ‘O Lakes has introduced Maple Butter-their butter whipped with brown sugar just in case you weren't getting enough calories in your breakfast.
Stay at home, if not for the sake of your family, if not for the sake of your friends, but so we can have a flippin' football season this fall! Amen.
I have to say, this virus thing is going to do some serious damage to the Kissing Booth business.
Interesting how Paul Manafort has been sentenced to what we're all going through, and it's considered punishment.
Katie Perry says she is experiencing ‘waves of depression' during the pandemic. Funny, the same thing happens to me when trying to watch American Idol.
At first, I resisted the idea of sitting around on a couch all day, believing that I was helping out the world. Now, I want to buy a nicer couch.
Wow, Memorial Day Weekend begins a week from tomorrow. Where are you not going this year?
I've really come to dislike the phrase, ‘the new normal.' Sure, it's new, but far from normal.
Movie theaters are planning to reopen with 25% occupancy, with a plan called "Checkered Seating." Should be perfect for those of us with a checkered past.
South America soccer plans to re-open eventually, but in the meantime, they've announced a "no kissing the ball" rule, which a lot of players did for good luck. Or, if they were extremely lonely.
- Do people who run marathons know they don't have to?
- All I'm saying is, if you want to call yourself the Lone Ranger, you shouldn't have a partner with you everywhere you go.
- Church notice-since 500 people can be allowed in Home Depot, this week's service will be held in plumbing.
- I can't believe I can walk into a store and buy weed, but I have to meet my hairdresser in a dark alley with unmarked bills to get a haircut.
- I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is counterfeit. Look, if I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be shopping at Dollar World.
- Marijuana is now legal, but not haircuts. The hippies have finally won.
- Due to the quarantine, I'll only be doing inside jokes.
- Why does running to the grocery store feel like I'm making a supply run on The Walking Dead?
- At the store, there was an X on the floor, where the cashier told me to stand. I've seen too many road runner cartoons to fall for that crap!
- I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
- At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I would go.
- In biblical times, if you loved your wife, you'd let her ride your ass all day. I guess some things never change.
- Why is it that you can drink a drink, but you can't food a food?
- Pretty wild how we use to eat cake after someone had blown all over it. Good times.
- The first rule of listening to music while cleaning: the toilet brush is never the microphone. NEVER!
- You know, when Alice Cooper sang, "School's out forever!", I didn't consider him a prophet.
- A day without coffee is like... just kidding. I have no idea.
TOP FIVE HINTS YOU HAVE A REALLY LAME HEALTHCARE PLAN
- Aren't able to choose your own witch doctor
- Doesn't cover accidents or non-accidents
- When you pull out your insurance card, people laugh
- You have pay your deductible in unmarked bills
- You're only covered if you go to an animal hospital
TOP FIVE LAZIEST TRICKS YOU COULD TEACH YOUR DOG
- Home school the kids! Good boy... .
- Bathe yourself
- Make the bed
- Walk the other dog
- Fetch the TV remote
Laugh a little, would ya?