It's the 40th anniversary of the eruption of Mount St. Helens. I did not get it a card.
Yes, it was on May 18th, 1980, that it rumbled, exploded and really kicked some ash.
This coming weekend is Memorial Day Weekend, which of course, is the official kick-off of summer staying at home.
Four NFL players were taken into custody over the weekend. And, with every pre-season arrest, that means we're getting closer and closer to football season.
It's now become mandatory to wear masks in a lot of places you go. Who knew "The Masked Singer" would be so ahead of its time?
So what if Kim Jong Un has disappeared. It's not like I can go visit him.
A new world record was set for the most amount of times saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, you go" in one hour. Of course, the record was set during a Zoom call.
So, let me get this right, conspiracy people: The Murder Hornets are the ones spreading the coronavirus, using 5G for navigation on the flat earth. And Bill Gates is trying to modify their stinger to implant a tracking chip-have I got that right?
Prince Charles is encouraging Brits to get out and "Pick for Britain" and help farmers out by helping gather crops. To further show his support, he's ordered the chauffeur for his personal masseuse's golf caddy's assistant to head out to the fields and join in.
How are you going to feel when they find out that the virus is spread by animated avatars?
Researchers at Duke University say they've been able to identify the part of the brain where pain could be turned off. Big news for regular listeners of this show.
The newest flavor of Pringles, just in time for summer---Sweet Buttery Corn Pringles... that taste like a buttery ear of sweet summer corn... ... or at least, the chemicals that can replicate that flavor... .
A University of Chicago study claims that people are happier if they make their major decisions with a coin flip. Do I believe that? It was tails, apparently so.
A nurse in Russia has been disciplined for working in a hospital wearing clear, see-through protective gear and only a bra and panties. Not surprising, it wasn't a patient who filed a complaint.
A former Arizona teacher who is serving 20 years in prison for having sex multiple times with one of her students, has filed for divorce from her husband. It doesn't say why.
The good thing about this pandemic—I already know what I’m doing for New Year’s Eve.
Big news for indecisive cereal eaters. Kellogg’s is coming out with cereal mash, that includes Frosted Flakes and Fruit Loops in the same box. All part of this complete attempt on your life.
So, in New York City, a couple was caught having sex on a vacant subway platform. In other words, things are slowly getting back to normal.
- I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face when she scanned the package of bird seed and I asked her how long it took for the birds to show up once I planted them.
- I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body keeps asking, "Are you dead yet?"
- Remember, never grab another person's facemask. It's a 15-yard penalty and an automatic first down.
- Apparently, you can't use 'beef stew' as a password. It's not stroganoff.
- Exercise makes you look good naked. So does bourbon.
- Ripping off your face mask when you get back in the car is the new taking off your bra when you get home from work.
- I got a call from the police saying they want to interview me. I don't remember applying for a job there.
- I got pulled over for driving alone in the HOV lane. I explained to the officer that I was social distancing and my passenger was in the car behind me.
- My husband told me the world doesn't revolve around me. It could, if some people put a little more effort into it.
- BANK TELLER: Your account is overdrawn. ME: Well, so are your eyebrows, but here we are.
- Thoughts and prayers to anyone trying on their summer clothes.
- Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger.
- Everything for summer is canceled. Might as well put up the Christmas tree and call it a year!
- Even on Gilligan's Island, they listened to the Professor. NOT the Millionaire.
- So these ‘murder hornets'... how do they work? Do you send them a list of names or something? Asking for a friend.
- I miss having plans to cancel.
- My superpower is holding on to stuff for three decades and then throwing it away the week before I actually need it.
- Bad puns are how eye roll.
- There’s a word for combining wine and dinner—it’s WINNER!
- Dear Plexiglass, Thank you for protecting me from that masked cashier who just touched every single item that I am now taking home.
- Don’t be depressed. Chin up! No, the other one.
TOP FIVE WORST RAPPER NAMES
- Lil Patience
- B.O. Stench
- Shorta Breath
- Kant Rhyme
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR NEXTDOOR NEIGHBOR IS AN ALIEN
- Bumpersticker on vehicle: My Other Car Is A Mothership
- Using mind control, he has you mow his lawn every week
- Their pet, whatever it is, just at his third mailman
- Their names are Zelbob and Schlorsmag
- Doesn't park car in the garage-parks it 10-feet above driveway
Laugh a little, would ya?