June Swoon, June Gloom, June-uary, whatever!
In retrospect, I guess it was pretty smart of me to invest in that tear gas stock.
From Facebook: Looters have it much easier today. Remember how hard it was to carry a color TV back in 1968?
Yes, here we are, socially distancing together, but apart, as one, but separately, as we unify in different locations at least 6-feet apart.
Yellowstone National Park has been hit with over 300 earthquakes over the past month. They're saying that could mean that....uh, how do I put this? I know--that if you never got around to going to the park, the park may be coming to you!
According to a new poll, 80% of Americans feel that our country is out of control. Seems low.
In San Francisco, residents say that a strange hum seems to be coming from the Golden Gate Bridge. Apparently, it has forgotten the words.
Apparently, the breaking news about the next James Bond movie is that in the movie, James will become a dad. I wonder if they know who the mother is?
The Dalai Lama is going to release his first album next month, featuring an music with mantras and chants from the Tibetan spiritual leader. My suggestion for a title: "Om is where the heart is"
New York City says with the abundance of protestors and no public restrooms open, the amount of people peeing in the streets is at an all-time high. No shhhhhhpee.
I was worried about being home and eating so much, but even after 12 weeks of staying home, my socks still fit.
A gin distillery in Australia has issued a recall after it accidentally shipped gin bottles containing hand sanitizer, according to the Apollo Bay Distillery outside Melbourne. That explains why that martini burned a little... .
This year's Coachella Music Festival has been officially canceled. They originally postponed it, but now it's completely canceled. So when you're telling people how you went to all of them, remember not to include 2020.
Look at it this way, when they do invent a time machine, you'll already know not to come back to this year.
Archeologists think they may have discovered the tomb of Cleopatra, the Queen of Egypt who was romantically involved with Mark Anthony, who went on to marry J-Lo, before she hooked up with A-Rod.
You know, I'm tired of battling fatigue.
Amazon says they're going to stop allowing police to use their facial recognition software for a year. Someone from Amazon said that. We didn't recognize who it was.
They say our music actually keeps away murder hornets. You haven't seen any, have you?
Starbucks says it plans to close 400 of their stores across the country. All 400 of those are across the street from another location.
C'mon, let's show this day who's boss! And if, at the end of the day, it's still the boss, let's ask if we can go home early.
- What did 50-cent do when he got hungry? 58.
- I need to ask my mom if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table.
- My husband bought a world map, handed me a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm going to take you there when this pandemic is over." It turns out we're going to spend two weeks behind the fridge.
- I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet-I get hungry.
- R.I.P. to all my summer plans that will never happen.
- I'm proud to say my home doesn't have a single unhealthy snack in it-I already ate them.
- It's like June told May, "Oh, yeah, well watch this."
- According to a box of macaroni, I'm a family of four.
- Some people think I'm crazy. I prefer to say I'm happy with a twist.
- I would have never believed that a couple of months of uncut hair would weigh 20 pounds, but that's what the scale says.
- You know you're getting old when you walk by a restroom and think, "Well, I might as well pee while I'm here."
- ME: I love this swim-up bar. MY WIFE: You're drunk and in the bathtub again.
- 2020 just needs to pull over and let me out. I'll walk.
- I still can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. How low can you go?
- Can you go 24 hours without cursing? F*#k yes!
TOP FIVE REASONS WHY THINGS AREN'T LOOKING GOOD FOR YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
- His official slogan, "How could it possibly get any worse?" almost seems prophetic
- Everyone he's asked to be his VP have turned him down. All 1,204.
- His mother just announced she's voting for his opponent
- At his latest campaign rally, there were only two people there if you include his shadow
- He says if he doesn't win this year, he plans to run next year
TOP FIVE SONGS WE EXPECT TO SEE ON THE DAILA LAMA'S NEW ALBUM COMING OUT NEXT MONTH
- "Om on the Range"
- "Your Lama don't dance" (And your daddy don't rock ‘n roll)
- "Good golly, it's Dalai"
- "Tibetan Horse Races"
- "Hello Dalai"
TOP FIVE TOASTS GIVEN DURING PRINCE PHILLIP'S 99TH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION ON WEDNESDAY
- "Tonight we're gonna party like he just turned 99!"
- "Here's to a stiff upper anything!"
- "I could celebrate all night... oh, wow, it's already 7 o'clock!"
- "May you never watch The Crown!"
- "To Phillip and dibs on his room!"
Laugh a little, would ya?