Jimmy Kimmel says he's taking the rest of the summer off from his late night show. I'd just like to point out that summer only started on Saturday.
Trader Joe's is now selling salami chips, because obviously, those potato chips you were dipping with just didn't contain enough calories.
A new study says that strenuous exercise may actually do you more harm than good. I thought so....
In Florida, a man who refused to wear a facemask fought his way into a Wal-Mart store. Seems needy.
Oh, wear a MASK. I thought they were saying "Wear musk." Good. I was just about out. Now, about that nude normal... ...
Vladimir Putin not only says he's considering that he might run for a 5th term in 2024, but that if he does, he's already won!
Look, when someone says, "I have good news and bad news," you know they're digging deep for the good news, just so it lessons the bad news. Right?
Because of the pandemic, we are turning more to comfort foods like Macaroni and Cheese, Spaghetti. Carbonara, breads and cookies to bagels and pizzas. In fact, we had all of those for dinner last night.
They say the Murder Hornets are still out there. Oh, I'm sorry, ACCUSED Murder Hornets.
A new study says that women are less likely to date men with cats. Especially if they have a dog.
Apple is going to start making their own chips. I'm hoping there's a barbecue version.
I stand with the other people who don't have chairs.
Worst slogan yet: "Mask it or casket."
Just another busy morning of blocking, snoozing and un-friending people on Facebook.
Because we can no longer have large gatherings due to COVID, Costco has stopped offering their half-sheet cakes, because people have quit buying them. Well, except for those of us who occasionally have one for lunch.
Donald Trump Jr. is suggesting that those confederate statues that are being taken down should be replaced with statues of his father. Well, if you go that route, I’d highly recommend topple insurance.
I guess we won’t be seeing any Al Jolson film festivals in the near future.
George R.R. Martin says he’s making progress on his new Game of Thrones book. I’m assuming this time around, he’s going to include an ending.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE OTHER GOLFER YOU'RE PLAYING WITH IS CHEATING
- Is it true that the older you get, the crazier you get, or is it just me?
- I went down to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
- Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
- People told me "Follow your dreams", so I went back to sleep.
- If you run into someone you know and they say, "We should hang out sometime", I like to say, "OK, let's hang out now" and watch them panic.
- If you hate wearing a mask, you're really not like wearing a ventilator.
- Dear Karma, I have a list of people you've missed.
- People who see me breastfeeding in public need to shut the hell up. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
- Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Husband: I'll be honest, I didn't know she sold them.
- Dad on the phone: My wife is going into labor! Nurse: Is this her first child? Dad: No, this is her husband.
- Dear July, I don't want any trouble from you. Just come in, sit down, don't touch anything and keep your mouth shut.
- I can't believe the only thing that we, as a country, agree upon is that Carole Baskin killed her husband.
- I changed all my passwords to Kenny. Now I have Kenny log ins.
- A Pennsylvania man has announced he's suing Smart Water for not making him smart. I'd like to announce my own suit against Thin Mints.
- May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
- What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin. Asking for a friend.
- You know what's uncomfortable? Pants. But I still wear them in public. Not for me, but for others. Wear the damn mask.[* If you all don’t start wearing masks, you’re going to have to homeschool your kids this fall. Hope that helps.
- At the store, there was a big X near the register for me to stand on. I’ve seen too many roadrunner cartoons to fall for that one.
- It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit that his wife is wrong.
- Requiring masks three months into a pandemic is like requiring condoms at the baby shower.
- If a vampire bites a zombie, does the zombie become a vampire? Or does the vampire become a zombie?
- Well, that explains why everyone calls him Peter Cheater
- He only sinks puts after yelling, "Oh, my God, what's that over there?"
- He shot a 9, but wrote it down on an upside down score card
- Says he memorizes the strokes and fills in the card after the game?
- How do you shoot an 8 on the front 9?
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE SLOGANS THE CORNAVIRUS TASK FORCE IS CONSIDERING
- Ignore Fauci, Get an Ouchee!
- Keep your distance, maintain existence
- No mask on your face, such a disgrace, spreading your germs all over the place
- Tell your clans to wash their hands
- The germs spread on their terms