One Republican has said he would vote for a tuna fish sandwich rather than vote for President Trump. I would need to know more. For example, is the tuna fish sandwich made with sweet or dill pickles? Also, why do you say tuna fish? Is there any other kind of tuna?
The Walt Disney World Resort in Florida began a phased re-opening over the weekend. For starters, Snow White is making do with only 3 dwarfs.
Walked to work today and it felt great. OK, so it was just downstairs.....
A Lyft driver in Pennsylvania shot one of his passengers. Obviously, they didn't leave a very big tip.
Dairy Queen is now offering vegan ice cream treats. Yet one more sign of the upcoming apocalypse.
I'm waiting for the headline, "Protesters demand skeleton of T-Rex be taken down because of its violent past."
Walked to work today and it felt great! OK, it was just downstairs, but still...
They've come up with a new way to more accurately determine your dog's age in human years. But the dog doesn't really care, he just wants you to throw the friggin' Frisbee.
According to a new study, 60% of Americans are more tired than ever before. I'd go on, but I just don't have the energy.
A woman in Japan had a live worm removed from her left tonsil. Take that, people who chose to keep their tonsils!
That comet that appears in the early morning sky is only visible through the rest of this week. The next time we can see it is in 6,000 years, so only Betty White and Keith Richards will be around to see it then.
In India, a man was such a fan of cameras, he named his three sons, Canon, Nikon and Epson. Just imagine if he had been a fan of something else like lawnmowers. Yep, this is my son Toro, his brother John Deer, his sister Troy Bilt and of course, the twins, Briggs and Stratton.
Jim Carrey's Showtime series "Kidding" has been canceled after two seasons. I'm shocked. I didn't know that series even existed.
Basically, it's a choice-the freedom to not wear a mask or the independence of being able to watch football this fall. It's all on you.
At least when Halloween rolls around, everyone will finally wear a mask.
Not to be nit-picky, but ViacomCBS needs to buy a space for their name.
My plan of leaving the coffee pot upstairs so that I can get in 15 rounds of stairs a day is working perfectly.
From Facebook:
- If by ‘crunches' you mean the sound bacon makes when you're eating it then, yes, I do crunches.
- ME: Be nice. You have no idea what other people are going through. ALSO ME: Nice turn signal, jerk!
- Craziness is like underwear. It's OK to have it, you just don't show it off in public.
- I promised myself I'd do things differently today, so I'm sitting at the other end of the couch.
- OK, quick question--Doe gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
- You said everything would be fine by June. July-ed!
- I may act like I'm fine, but deep down inside... .I'm hungry again.
- FYI, you pee on a sting from a jellyfish, not a jelly stain. Again, my apologies to the lady at the Waffle House.
- Sign in the UK: All Americans must be accompanied by an adult.
- Today I tested positive for SickofThisCrap-20. There's no cure and I may or may not be contagious.
- I don't mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in just one day. The box said 2-4 years.
- My alone time is sometimes for your safety.
- You remind me of a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, "Not now!"
- You know, when you walk into a room and forget why you are there, it could be because you ran into an alien and he had to erase your memory in order to escape.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE SITTING WITH A REALLY LOUSY PSYCHIC
- She predicts you're going to regret paying her-and she is so right!
- Crystal ball is really just imitation plastic
- Predicts that there will be a presidential election, sometime in the fall.
- Surprised you are here! Never saw you coming.
- She asked you what day is coming up tomorrow?
TOP FIVE BOOKS IN THE NEW YORK TIMES' WORST-SELLING LIST
- "War and Pizza"
- "The Great Cat's Pee"
- "Charlotte's Web Browser"
- "Harry Potter and the Transgender Fender Bender"
- "The Fellowship of the Ring Doorbell"
TOP FIVE WAYS WEDDINGS ARE DIFFERENT DURING THE PANDEMIC
- The Groom may now Clorox wipe and kiss the bride
- Veil replaced with mask
- Officiant really hard to hear inside that haz-mat suit
- Only boiled and sanitized rice may be thrown
- Best Man replaced with Confirmed Non-Contagious Man
Laugh a little, would ya?
