Aaron Rogers and Danica Patrick have broken up after two years. She caught him on the phone in the middle of the night with Jake from State Farm, and said, "Go Daddy."
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that "science should not stand in the way" of reopening schools. Well, bee's should not stand in the way of gathering honey, but they will.
Police in Italy discovered cocaine stuffed inside individually hollowed-out coffee beans, after opening a package addressed to a fictional Mafia boss from a Hollywood movie. (reverb on a woman's voice: "That's odd. Jim never asks for a second up at home!"
In some parts of the east coast yesterday, temperatures got up to 110-degrees. In New York City, the flashers were just describing themselves.
Iceland is encouraging people to come to their country and scream to help deal with the coronavirus. I do that every night with my TV when I watch the news.
The Dollar Tree and Family Dollar have reversed themselves, and now only recommend wearing masks in their stores. If local laws require them, shoppers could be fined, but not more than $1.
Katy Perry says she has no idea how the rumor started that she and fiancé Orlando Bloom had asked Jennifer Aniston to be their child's godmother. Not true. They're holding out for Courtney Cox. Still not true, but we're having fun.
The Minnesota State Fair has been officially canceled this year, but the Butter Sculpting Competition will go on. One good churn deserves another.
The Associated Press has announced that in future stores, they will capitalize the B in Black, but won't capitalize the w in white. As for brown, they won't get a capital letter, but the ‘b' will be in larger font size.
As a soccer fan, I had a scary thought: What if we get to the end of 2020 and are then told there are 6 months of stoppage time?
The Seattle Mariners are doing what a lot of other Major League Baseball teams are doing. For $30, they will place a cardboard cutout of you in the stands for the upcoming season and if your cardboard cutout gets hit by a foul ball, they will mail you that foul ball. For an extra $10, they'll mail you a cardboard kid to give it away to...
If you think its too hard to breathe in a mask, you didn't Trick or Treat back in the 1960s, did you?
In New Zealand, a couple won the right in court to legally name their toddler, Lucifer. Those must have been some pretty powerful "terrible two's."
Why Lucifer? Apparently, there was already a Beelzebub in the family.
From my buddy Skip Tucker: "The only Flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself!"
Carrie Underwood has a new Christmas album on the way. It'll be released in September, since we're all probably starting early this year.
Seattle's new hockey team will be called, "The Kraken." Fitting, as many of those people living on the streets are crackin' as well.
Taylor Swift has dropped a new album out of the blue. Apparently, there was a boyfriend and a breakup we didn't know about.
A new study claims that eating chocolate can help fight heart disease. May I just say, "God bless researchers!"
NASA has released some new photos of the surface of Mars in 4K. While pretty stunning, the new planet really does lack atmosphere.
From Facebook:
- I couldn't figure out why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- I make whiskey disappear. What's your superpower?
- The phrase, "Say no to drugs" has never made sense to me. If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late.
- Our neighbors didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday, so today, the FedEx guy knocked down their door to make sure they were OK.
- There is no angry way to say the word, "bubbles." (and you just tried)
- If you're refusing to wear a mask because you think your brain won't get enough oxygen, I'm afraid that ship has already sailed.
- I made a huge ‘To Do' list today. Now, to figure out who's going to do it.
- My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we're watching ‘Pet Sematary'.
- Whenever my wife uses the phrase, "I was thinking... ", that means I either have to move, build, paint or buy something."
- What did I learn from Quarantine 2020? That Bigfoot's name is Darryl.
- The candy bar Pay Day is changing its name because it's offensive to those who don't work.
- When did my wild oats turn into shredded wheat?
TOP FIVE BAD IDEAS FOR SUMMER
- Frozen Water Balloon Fights
- The old Piranha in the wading pool gag
- Taking your fake shark fin to the beach... .again... .
- Taking your pet porcupine out on the lake on your floaty
- Suggesting this year's company picnic be held at the nudist colony (try to get THAT thought out of your head)
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE GOT A HEATWAVE GOING ON
- Your shadow is sweating
- You can wash and dry your clothes at the same time
- I bought a loaf of bread. By the time I got home, it was toast!
- Your thermometer actually hits, "You're kidding me, right?"
- Cows are giving powdered milk
TOP FIVE LEAST FAVORITE REALITY SHOWS DURING A HEATWAVE
- The Real Housewives of People Without Air Conditioning
- Jersey Shower
- Top Chafe
- Trading Box Fans
- Sweating with the Kardashians
Laugh a little, would ya?
