Dr. Anthony Fauci threw out the honorary first pitch at the Washington Nationals game last Thursday. In a weird twist, he was hoping someone would catch something. If you're wondering, he really flattened his curve.
Aaron Rogers and Danica Patrick have broken up after two years. Yeah, I guess it was really bugging him that she had been around the track a few times.
Bill Gates says it may take multiple vaccines to protect us from the virus. One of them ought to have the lucky tracking chip.
After removing them from stores, Costco has announced they're bringing back sheet cakes after all the complaints. Now I know what I'm doing for lunch.
From Facebook: We keep a potato masher in the drawer because sometimes its fun to not be able to open the drawer.
Regis Philbin passed away over the weekend at the age of 88. It took everything in my being not to post "Final answer?" every time someone put that on their Facebook page.
President Trump says he often regrets his tweets and re-tweets, so we actually have something in common.
You sure don't hear the phrase, "Back to School" very much this year. Well, except from the president.
Maybe instead of "Back to School", we should be saying, "Back to the kitchen table?"
A new study says that crying may actually be good for you. Awesome, we have a payday coming up Friday.
We offer contact-less service. That's right, everyone here wears glasses.
Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner have become parents! They've welcomed a baby girl named Willa. Thank God they didn't name her Bonus Jonas.
The NBA is investigating why Los Angeles Clippers guard Lou Williams was seen in a strip club Thursday when he was supposed to be at his father's funeral. We all mourn differently.
We just wanted to offer up our thoughts and prayers to all those hard-working, dedicated employees trying to survive "The Ellen Show."
I'm not lazy. I'm just on my energy-saving mode.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: People who randomly drop Old English words into their sentences don't know what they're doing, more or lest.
During the pandemic, ice cream sales are up, deodorant sales are down. That should make social distancing a little easier.
Dodgers pitcher Joe Kelly was suspended for 8 days, after some pitches got away and he taunted a player last week when his team played the Astros' in Houston. If only he had just stolen signals, he could still be playing.
The U.S. Economy shrank a record 33% last quarter. You may have not noticed, but the Statue of Liberty recently hocked her torch.
Remember the old days when they kept bugging you about preparing for an emergency-and now we're living one!
California had a 4.2 earthquake Thursday morning, which is the equivalent of switching to decaf.
From Facebook:
- I'm definitely staying up until midnight this coming New Year's Eve. Not to watch the New Year arrive, but to make sure this one leaves.
- Just found out there's no popcorn in Popcorn Shrimp. Guess there's no reason to try Pot Roast now.
- Save the date---The date for the quarantine being lifted has been announced. It's Octembruary 54th.
- I'm glad this pandemic happened in 2020 instead of 1991. The last thing anyone needs is a bunch of Blockbuster late fees piling up.
- I told my wife that I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Thursday.
- The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required.
- Social distancing is boring. "Exiled for the good of the realm" sounds more exciting.
- I would call my fashion style, "Clothes that still fit."
- I've gotten quite good at ventriloquism during this pandemic. Scared the heck out of my gynecologist today.
- Back when I went to work, the first thing I always did was hide. Because a good worker is hard to find.
- Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go in the grocery store. It erases your memory. I went in for Mac and Cheese and came home with two cases of beer.
- The first rule of Condescending Club is kinda complex and I really don't think you'd understand it, even if I explained it to you.
- WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, salt and gelatin in a can. If you get this email, don't open it. It's Spam.
- Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They'll never tell anyone, because they were never listening.
- Today I took a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me, so we both went for a run.
- I don't want to adult anymore. I want to goat. Just sit around, eat all day and head-butt people who tick me off.
- Some say there's a coin shortage because everyone is tossing their change into wishing wells, wishing this year was over.
- I'm assuming you knew that ‘Dammit I'm Mad' spelled backwards is ‘Dammit I'm Mad'.
- A big shout out to my fingers. I can always count on them.
- So, if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house, do I call the coroner directly?
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S PROBABLY TIME FOR A NEW CAR
- When you pull over, hitchhikers run away in terror
- Your back up camera is in black and white
- Only 3 tires and one door should be reason enough
- You ask passengers to help drag their feet to stop
- Well, we can start with those steering vice grips
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT NEIGHBOR KID'S LEMONADE STAND IS RUN BY THE MOB
- The price-25-cents a glass, $2 won't get it knocked out of your hand coverage
- Lemons being stored in hijacked semi-truck next to the stand.
- Serves each glass while saying, "Here you go and you WILL like it."
- Only neighbor kid you've ever heard that had the nickname, "Knuckles"
- No one going there has their back to the street when being served
TOP FIVE BANDS WITH NAMES THAT PROBABLY DOOMED THEIR CAREERS
- The Doomed Careers
- The Rolling Kidney Stones
- The Not Really The Beatles
- The Monotones
- Bruce and the Off-Keys
Laugh a little, would ya?
