President Trump says that God is on his side. God admits that He does watch FOX News.
Remember how we were building a wall to keep people out? All we needed was a pandemic.
They're considering a new law in Scotland that would punish comedians if they tell jokes that offend anyone. Not funny. So, if people have told you that you're not funny, you could be a comedian in Scotland!
250,000 people descended on Sturgis, South Dakota over the weekend for the annual motorcycle rally. Not a whole lot of masks in sight, although kudos to whoever put those giant masks up on Mount Rushmore. (you know I'm kidding)
Saturday was "Leave a Zucchini on Someone's Porch Day" and I'm glad to say that not a single one found its way to my house. OK, the bear trap probably helped a lot...only had to reset it twice.
Such a weird summer. Over the weekend, I saw some tent caterpillars in an RV.
The Seattle Mariners have lost 7 of their last 9 games. And, for the first time in baseball history, they actually heard cardboard cutouts boo.
McDonald's is suing their former CEO, saying he had inappropriate relationships with multiple employees and then destroyed evidence of those affairs. Right now, McDonald's is not a hap-hap-happy place.
An Israeli jeweler has made a diamond-covered facemask that costs 1.5-million. However, even if you spend that much, there's still no guarantee you won't forget it at home.
In Florida, a man was arrested on charges of allegedly assaulting a 7-11 clerk with a Slurpee. Good thing he didn't use one of those vintage hot dogs on the grill or the charge could have been attempted murder.
It's "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel. The one week of the year when a show called "Shark Tank" really features sharks in an actual tank.
Antonio Banderas says he found out he got the coronavirus on his 60th birthday. He would have preferred a gift card.
Russia is claiming they've developed the world's first COVID vaccine. Vladimir Putin's daughter was among the first to receive it. Were the researchers sure it will work? You bet their lives.
I remember back in 2020. Russia developed a vaccine, Putin's daughter was injected... and that's how the Zombie Apocalypse began.
Someone said in a Zoom meeting the other day, "We're working really hard to work less." Just sayin'...
Be honest--aren't the least bit surprised that they haven't come out with "Sorry you tested positive" cards yet?
Now the Big 10 and Pac-12 say there won't be a college football season this year, at least now involving them. I'm waiting for the leaves to announce they're not turning color this year.
When I heard Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his running mate, I said, "Well, that could mean four years of work for Maya Rudolph."
...who has done for music what Simon Cowell did for electric bikes.
How did Anonymous make such a name for himself?
Yes, it's like a religious experience for atheists....
A new study by Ohio State University says that there's a decline in cognitive functioning among baby boomers, whatever that means.
A new study says that obesity shrinks our brains. So, I'm going to go eat that ice cream we have in the freezer.
One of my biggest claims to fame is that I was not in the movie, "Cats."
From my buddy Skip Tucker, who passed away this week. One more great line: My gym just went bankrupt. Who's the quitter now?
From Facebook:
- When someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them I do porn.
- Some things are best left unsaid, but my brain-to-mouth filter has never worked right.
- 2020 is still better than my first marriage.
- FITNESS INSTRUCTOR: Have you ever done a marathon? ME: You mean, like on Netflix?
- I sent Ancestry.com some information on my family tree. They sent back a pack of seeds and suggested I start over.
- Every girl has a little bit of Marilyn in them. You just have to find out if it's Monroe or Manson.
- By watching people wear their masks, I now understand why sometimes, contraception fails.
- I didn't mean to call you stupid, but when I asked you how to spell 'orange' and you asked me if I meant the color or the fruit, it caught me off guard.
- I'm old enough to remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer.
- You either love Fleetwood Mac or you're wrong.
- Not to alarm anybody, but the Mad Max movie took place in 2021.
- ME: I'm tired from all the crossfit this morning. CO-WORKER: They're pronounced croissants and you ate four of them.
- At weddings, old people would poke me and say, "You're next." So, now I do that to them at funerals.
- Why do people say tuna fish when they don't say beef mammal or chicken bird?
- Canada must feel like they live in an apartment above a meth lab.
- Years from now, when kids ask about the great toilet paper shortage of 2020, I'm going to tell them that we had to drag our butts across the lawn. In the snow. Uphill both ways. Dodging Murder Hornets!
- Who knew the hardest thing about being an adult would be having to figure out what's for dinner every night until you die?