Believe it or not, there is now a Dr. Pepper shortage, as foretold in Revelations.
Trader Joe's is now selling watermelon jerky. What's next-Instant Water? Just add water.
Death Valley actually hit 130-degrees on Sunday. If you didn't know how it got its name, you do now.
Just trying to figure out how to get the entire year of 2020 into a time capsule and put a huge "Never Open" sign on it.
Can't help but notice that it was "Shark Week", followed by the Democratic Convention, followed by the Republican Convention. Interesting grouping.
Netflix says they're working on a second season of "Tiger King." You have no one to blame but yourself.
The change shortage has really hit some industries hard, like laundromats and the Tooth Fairy. The Tooth Fairy says coming up with stuff to put under pillows is like pulling teeth. And then it just makes the situation even worse!
A new report from the U.S. Army claims that North Korea has up to 60 nuclear weapons and a 5,000-ton stockpile of chemical weapons. They highly recommend not having Kim Jong Un on "The Ellen Show" as a guest.
In Switzerland the other day, it started snowing chocolate. Apparently, the ventilation system at a chocolate factory malfunctioned and for a while, it was snowing chocolate particles. Oh, sure, NOW you'll willing to get out there and shovel the sidewalk.
Evangelist Jim Bakker says that wearing masks is evil because it blocks prayers. This from a guy God probably blocked years ago...
The Post Office says they appreciate you showing your support, but if you're the one showing support by mailing barbell sets to your family and friends, knock it off!
A new study says that honey is actually a better solution for a cough or cold than antibiotics. For the record, the study was conducted by bees.
According to a new study, if you call yourself a "morning person", you have a higher risk of getting Alzheimer's disease. I forget why.
The Seattle Seahawks have announced they'll be playing their first three home games without fans in the stands. Going to be a serious hit to the face paint industry.
Cher says she was turned down after offering to volunteer at two post offices. Boy, I'll bet those post offices regret it. If they could just turn back time...
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times.
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE REALLY ANXIOUS FOR FALL TO BEGIN
- Next week has been exhausting.
- The next time your wife gets mad at you, drape a towel over her like a cape and say, "Now, you're Super Angry!" Maybe she'll laugh. Maybe you'll die.
- It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny elf in your phone who is trying so hard to be helpful, but is actually quite drunk.
- If you haven't seen me in a while, I'm fat now. No need to tell me. Thanks in advance.
- The Seven Dwarfs they can only gather in a group of six. One of them isn't Happy.
- I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
- ME: Wine, please. WORKER: I'm sorry, but this is McDonald's.
- When life gives you lemons, freeze them, then throw them as hard as you can at the people that are making your life difficult.
- Just wait until conspiracy theorists discover they're part of a conspiracy to use conspiracy theorists to spread disinformation via conspiracy theories.
- OK, I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
- Is an argument between two vegetarians still called "a beef?"
- My husband asked if he had any annoying habits and then got all offended during my PowerPoint presentation.
- I don't know who needs to hear this, but you are not Keith Richards. Wear a mask!
- Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible arguing with strangers about politics.
- Dear Facebook, please stop suggesting people I know. I already know them. I don't like them.
- If you messaged me and I read it and didn't respond, I'm not ignoring you. I just saw something shiny and then forgot you had messaged me.
- It doesn't matter how old you are, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
- Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
- The first rule of 2021-never talk about 2020.
- Life is short. Smile while you have teeth.
- I'm not buying a 2021 planner until I see a trailer for the year.
- 2020 is punishment for making Old Town Road a number one song.
- Do men's ears actually work? Or are those just for show? Asking for a friend.
- Cellfish: People who are on their phones the whole time while hanging with you.
- Today, a woman at the bank asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
- You added Pumpkin Spiced creamer to your wading pool
- Wait-you've already put up your Halloween lights?
- You're wearing a flannel bathing suit?
- You're so anxious, you've started spray-painting the leaves red
- You've flipped all your calendars to October
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAVE AN AMAZON SHOPPING PROBLEM
- Your kids are named Prime and Next-Day
- Amazon considering putting a distribution center next door to you
- You've been accused of hoarding cardboard
- Your credit cards are approaching the debt level of Venezuela
- You've created the command, "Alexa, let's binge shop!"
Laugh a little, would ya?