I got a notice on my phone that Don Rickles tweeted for the first time in a while. He just doesn't give up!
A new study indicates that drinking coffee gives you an edge in beating cancer. And may I just add, God bless studies.
A new study says that people are generally happier spending time with their friends, than with their spouse. Needless to say, I'm going to tell my friends about the survey, but not my wife.
This year's hurricane season has been so busy, forecasters have almost run out of names. If more show up, they'll use letters of the Greek alphabet. Because frankly, the words they wanted to use can't be... ..
You know how they have Gingerbread House kits you can buy around Christmas. Well, the folks at Oreo are getting ino the Halloween spirit with an Oreo Cookie Graveyard you can put together... and then eat. How long's that gonna last? Well, it was a nice display-- for one day!!!
First day of fall--the season, not the action.
Sunday night's Emmy Awards were presented without an audience. And that was before the ratings came in. I know I was watching football.
If nothing else, the Emmy's was a lesson. If you ever have a fire break out at your house, don't call Jennifer Aniston.
Hard to believe that September's almost over and that it won't be long until your neighbor's leaves will be blowing into your yard.
May I just say, for the record, Holy Moley is not really a sacred thing.
I don't mind that my favorite presidential candidate is texting me, it's that every time, it's all about asking for money!
A zoo in Poland is going to start giving their stressed-out elephants marijuan to help them relax:
- This out to be a good test of that "they never forget" concept.
- I'm expecting their peanut budget to double.
In Scotland, they've had 7 official sightings so far this year of the Loch Ness Monster. I've said it before and I'll say it again, "I'll have what they're having."
It looks as though those charges of soliciting sex against New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft are going to be dropped. So he's getting his happy ending after all.
Picked up one of those Wine Advent Calendars at Costco. I can't believe it's already Christmas Eve!
Up near Seattle, a rare 7-armed octopus was found on one of their beaches.
- Wouldn't that make him a septopus?
- They've nick-named it "Lefty!"
- Hey, it's still able to play 7 slot machines at one time.
A new study claims that the average American is recorded by security cameras 238 times each week. That number's even higher for those thieves that keep checking my porch.
The CDC is officially calling trick-or-treating "high risk." Doesn't it just make sense to buy each kid one of those candy assortment bags and call it good?
A home where Lizzie Borden lived in Fall River, Massachusetts, is up for sale after being remodeled. It'll cost you $500,000. Ax not included.
We don't know if there will be trick or treaters on Halloween, but we don't care. Halloween candy sales are up 13% over last year's numbers. To be honest, I'm thinking a lot of people are hoping it won't happen.
My friend Tom passed this one along: I just had a physical. My doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "Like bacon and burgers?" He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
According to a recent study, the average person stretches the truth 16 times per week. OK, it's actually 11. I lied.
From Facebook:
- Sign at a car wash: Please wash your car so it will rain.
- "I'll just get gas in the morning" is one of the worst decisions you'll ever make as an adult.
- It's no longer 5 o'clock somewhere, it's 2020 every friggin' day. Drink.
- I tried donating blood today and never again. Too many questions: Who's blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
- Porn gives young people an unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
- I'm so single now that I stood on a cliff and yelled "I love you" and the echo replied "I just want to be friends"
- Humor is to life what shock absorbers are to a car.
- The three hardest things to say: "I'm sorry", "I was wrong" and "Worcestershire sauce."
- Do you know how weird it is being the same age as old people?
- Dear Monday, just hand over Friday and no one gets hurt.
- Anyone else concerned about the 2020 season finale?
- You think it's bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people who were homeschooled by day drinkers.
- If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel!
- Keep your co-workers on their toes. Stir your coffee slowly, with a steak knife.
- It's never been explained how the Brady Bunch had Zoom back in the 1970s. Watch the beginning of the show, you'll see.
- My mask broke in the store and I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.
- How to be an adult at work: replace "F@$K you" with "Works for me!"
- Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down after being told to calm down.
- I'm not turning my clock back on November 1st because we seriously don't need an extra hour of 2020.
- When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" whenever they said a swear word. I'll never forget my first day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.
- If you're feeling down, just remember-you're closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos.
- Does anyone have a recipe for "I don't know" or "I don't care?" It's what my family requested for dinner.
- Whenever my wife uses the phrase, "I was thinking", that means I'm about to move, build or buy something.
- What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
- The key to getting along with people is either lowering your expectations or learning to drink.
