One thing about these debates, it sure gives me practice in hiding friends on Facebook for 30 days.
The key to being great at things is to suck at them when you're young.
I have to say that celebrating Octoberfest, drinking beers, eating pretzels, stacking up cups... .it just isn't the same on my kitchen table.
If I may be honest, the President contracting the virus has really set back my "working on kindness."
The way I look at weekends, I get to play "Retired" for a couple of days.
A new study says half of Americans are on track to retire poor. Then again, those are the lucky ones who get to retire.
A judge in Ireland has ruled that the bread Subway uses for their sandwiches is NOT bread because of its high sugar content. No problem. They can just call them Cake Sandwiches!
Donald Glover welcomed his third son with partner Michelle last week. Such a cute little Gambino, but rather childish.
Today is "World Teacher Day" and a special shout out to all of you at home who hadn't planned on being a part of this holiday.
The president's physician, Dr. Shawn Conley... wasn't he one of the early Jame Bonds?
An insider claims that Queen Elizabeth treats herself to four cocktails a day. I've seen "The Crown". I don't blame her. Actually, I'm surprised it's only four.
Taco Bell has launched a new "taco gifting app", so that you can send Taco Bell tacos to friends or enemies, depending on your opinion of Taco Bell.
Did you ever notice that Zoom is never in as big of a hurry to join a meeting as you are?
The U.S. Supreme Court sided with Led Zeppelin about that whole "they stole Stairway to Heaven" claim by the group, Spirit. When asked for a comment, Robert Plant said, "My Sweet Lord, I'm glad this is over."
If you're not planning to vote, remember--this election is about who will appoint judges to the U.S. Supreme Court, the people who make the most important decisions. Of course, I'm talking about whether Led Zeppelin stole that song or not.
Yesterday was Instagram's birthday. I didn't get it anything, either.
I know Eddie Van Halen was a great guitarist, I could just never remember the name of the group he was in.
A majority of women say it's not diamonds, kids or chocolate that truly makes them happy. It's sleep. Now to figure out a way to give that for our anniversary.
In Monroe, Washington, a baby kangaroo escaped but after a day of chasing it, police finally caught it. After a couple of days in an animal hospital, it will be returned to its owners, Betty and Barney Rubble. Little Bam-Bam is really missing it.
The sale of alcohol in Scotland is going to be banned in indoor bars, restaurants, and cafes for 16 days starting tomorrow, in an effort to try and control the coronavirus. Well, it's not hard to know what they'll be doing at home now... ..
Frankly, a sober Scotland scares me.
Christie's in New York sold a complete T-Rex skeleton at auction the other night for $31.8-million. Some assembly required.
From Facebook:
- RBG sent the fly.
- A fly walks into a vice-presidential debate and asks, "Is this stool taken?"
- There's nothing better than tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it's cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka.
- Dear Autocorrect, I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt.
- Procrastinating is always a good thing. It gives you something to do tomorrow and leaves with you nothing to do today.
- The cobwebs in my house just became decorations. Thanks, Halloween!
- I'm at the age where my mind thinks I'm 29, my sense of humor suggests I'm 12, while my body keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
- Why did the Norwegian navy put codes on their ships? So that when their ships returned, they could scan da navy in.
- The leading cause of injuries for old men is them thinking that they're still young me.
- Cooking tip: If you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape into the trash.
- Laundry: Wash-30 minutes, Dry-60 minutes, Putting it away-7-to-10 business days.
- The Devil whispered in my ear, "You're not strong enough to withstand the storm" and I replied, "Well, at least I didn't lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia."
- I found that I am happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's because of the Vitamin C and the natural sugars, but I'm pretty sure it's thanks to the vodka.
- It's a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore. I just bought a TV and it said, "Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is!
- Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you'll have time to buy more after you eat it all.
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER DO
- Tell your sister who cut off her hair while she slept as a kid
- Admit to your spouse you were wrong
- Play quarterback in the NFL
- Tell your boss what you really think of her
- Thank your neighbor for his free WI-FI
TOP FIVE CONCEPTS THAT JUST NEVER CAUGHT ON
- The Spam Diet
- Presidential Debate Lie Detectors
- Elastic waist strait jackets
- Edible handcuffs
- Mesh Facemasks
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAVE A LOUSY FAIRY GODMOTHER
- She just turned a pumpkin into a coach-Bill Belichick!
- Gave you magical powers to spin straw into Gold Bond Medicated Powder
- Made it so you live happily ever after, but never said "after what"
- Turned your shoes into glass slippers, but unfortunately not shatter-proof glass. You're now in the E.R. being treated for foot cuts.
- Her magic wand looks suspiciously like a toilet plunger
Laugh a little, would ya?
