A new study says spending some time watching nature shows on TV helps cure sadness and boredom. That's what I did over the weekend. I saw some Lions, Bears, Jaguars, Rams and Packers.
That's like the Wicked Witch of the West agreeing to a water balloon toss.
Over in the U.K., a man who deliberately farted in a cab is being charged with assault on the driver. Must have been a really good one.
In Switzerland, a start up WiFi company offered 18 years of free Internet service if a couple would name their baby after their company. And there was a taker: a couple named their little girl Twifi. For the record, this is not the first time Mr. and Mrs. IKEA have done something like this.
Nancy Pelosi and Donald Trump have not spoken to each other in over a year. I'm trying to figure out who owes whom a thank you note.
Another shortage to tell you about, due to pandemic hoarding: canned corn is disappearing from shelves. Creamed corn? No one is still going near it.
Bruce Willis is starring in new commercials for "Die Hard" batteries. As you'd expect, the reviews have been both positive and negative. Was that a battery pun? Guilty as charged.
Today is Information Overload Day. We've put together a special five-hour podcast on that topic... .
After nearly six decades, Coca Cola is retiring their first diet soft drink, "Tab." Tab, we hardly drank ye...
Nokia has won a NASA contract to put a 4G network on the moon. I hope they appreciate the gravity of the situation.
Got my ballot filled out and to save a stamp, I took it personally and dropped it off at that Free Shredding box down the street.
Microphones will be muted at Thursday's presidential debate. Is there anyway we could start sooner?
You may have never heard of American car manufacturer SSC North America, but they have what they call their Tuatara hypercar and on Monday, they reached an average speed of 316.11 miles per hour just outside of Las Vegas. That's a new record for a production car and the best news of all, their kid was not late for soccer practice.
Just remember, no matter how bad 2020 has been for you, at least you're now a Cowboys fan.
Televangelist Pat Robertson predicts that President Trump will be re-elected, but then a giant asteroid will hit the earth. I'll have what he's having.
Doing it for you, because if I was doing it for me, I probably wouldn't have done it and gone back to bed.
Miley Cyrus says that she once had a UFO encounter and actually had eye-to-eye contact with an alien. As you suspect, the incident was very traumatic to the alien.
White-fudge-covered Oreo's will be back in stores for the holiday season, just in case you're falling behind in your calorie count.
And also available in your cereal aisle: Elf on the Shelf Christmas Cereal, that combines Vanilla, Peppermint and Marshmallows. My teeth hurt just saying that out loud.
One thing about making a donation to my favorite candidate. Every time one of their commercials plays on TV, I know that I paid for one-millionth of the first second of that spot.
I'll be honest. The other day when the Pope announced he was now in favor of same-sex marriages, I was half-expecting him to follow with, "And I'd like to introduce you to Bruno."
There's also a part of me that wishes the presidential debates were moderated by Borat.
Officials in Paraguay discovered over $500-million worth of cocaine hidden in shipments of charcoal. This may explain the sudden popularity of Paraguay Burgers and why they taste so-s-o-o-o-o good!
From Facebook:
- There was a guy holding a cardboard sign that said, "Wife and dog kidnapped by ninjas. Need money for karate lessons. Really want my dog back."
- "I just have to get through this week." Me, every Monday.
- My mind is like an Internet browser. 14 tabs are open, 2 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.
- I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face when she scanned the package of bird seed and I asked her how long does it take for the birds to grow once I've planted them.
- I have money, then I don't have money. It always happens so fast.
- Today I showed my Facebook feed to my psychiatrist. He would like to talk with all of you.
- Blowing on the wine in your coffee cup so that everyone on the Zoom meeting thinks its tea.
- I don't know why we spend so much money on clothes to impress someone we'd like to be naked with.
- Nachos are just Tacos that don't have their life together.
- I think my ‘Check Liver Light' is going to come on soon.
- Unfortunately, Thanksgiving has been canceled this year due to COVID. Sadly, our pet turkey has passed away and we are holding a visitation. In lieu of flowers, please bring a side dish.
- I'm a multi-tasker: I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time.
- A shoutout to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number, but can't remember the password they created yesterday. My people!
- Those first five days after a weekend are always the hardest.
- Simplified math: if you have $20 and your wife has $5, then your wife has 25.
- Does anyone know a neighborhood where adults can trick or treat? Looking for one that hands out tacos and Margaritas.
- When you haven't fallen asleep, but you already can't be ready to be done with work tomorrow.
- Why does my wife wait until I'm at the other end of the house before she asks, "Mslhk lhse kald mmrh?"
- Imagine if in London during the Blitz there had been a bunch of people who said, "Hey, I'll turn on my lights if I want to!"
- Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
- I did a push up today. Well, actually, I fell down. But I had to use my arms to get up, so technically, you know.
- My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.
- 90% of being married is yelling "What?" from the other room.
- I was just sitting there naked in a recliner, eating ice cream and Doritos and watching TV, and Wal-Mart has the nerve to call the cops.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR SIG OTHER REALLY DOESN'T APPRECIATE YOU
- Went out for a pack of cigarettes back in 2001. Should be back any minute now.
- Considers "Valentine" the V-word
- Insisting you get an unlisted marriage certificate
- When talking to friends, refers to you as "it"
- Constantly says, "You're my 332nd and only"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THINGS AREN'T LOOKING GOOD FOR YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
- Donors have started asking for their donations back
- People making accusations are gathering at local stadium
- Latest poll forgot to include him
- Opponent just endorsed by your candidate's campaign manager
- Only endorsement came from Craiglist
Laugh a little, would ya?
