FOX is doing a spin-off of their "Masked Singer" hit with "The Masked Dancer" in December. Can "The Masked Bachelor" be far behind.
McDonald's is bringing back "The McRib." Apparently, you were getting too healthy.
Part of me is waiting for November to say, "Hey, October-hold my beer!"
The very first radio broadcast was 100 years ago this week. Keep listening for many of those same jokes used that day.
I'll say it. Apparently, Johnny Depp doesn't have Heard immunity. OK, now I'm going.
Yesterday was "National Eat Your Kids' Halloween Candy While They're in School Day." It used to be a lot easier when they weren't home.
Absolutely no trick or treaters and here I am stuck with these two huge bags of candy. My plan of leaving the lights off worked perfectly.
Just curious-does the Electoral College have a football team?
Well, finally-Election Day is behind us and I wish you many happy returns.
Yeah, I'm running behind-and I promise to go out and vote right after I take the kids trick or treating.
They say that the average person second-guesses themselves 10 times a day. Or is it 11? Well, it is now.
In Oregon, voters have decriminalized heroin, cocaine and meth.
- In a statement, the governor was quoted as saying, "Make the dryer lint stop screaming!"
- This explains the new official state motto, "Wow, look at the sun!" * They also passed a measure making "Breaking Bad" a comedy.
Oregon has also become the first U.S. state to legalize psilocybin -- the active ingredient in "magic mushrooms" -- for mental health therapy. Not for the patients, for the counselor.
Kanye West got 60,000 votes for president. I just wanted you to know, you weren't alone.
They say the presidential election results may be in limbo for days. For those of you who voted and are anxiously waiting, here's some limbo music. (limbo music) And you know, I think it's an appropriate choice, since "How low can you go?" seemed to be the theme this year.
There's still talk of rioting breaking out, once the election results are finalized. National Guard troops are said to be in "NBA Championship" mode.
I've come to loathe the phrase, "Too early to call."
Science has confirmed that dogs can detect a bad person. That's why you don't see a lot of dogs at presidential debates.
Speaking of which, Rabbit Hatch, Kentucky, elected a new mayor last Tuesday--a 6-month-old French bulldog named Wilbur Beast. The town has been electing dogs as mayor since 1988. I think they're on to something.
You know who took a real hit this week: pollsters. They were WAY off. Here's a great example. According to the latest poll, just in, today is Saturday.
From Facebook:
- I do all my own stunts, just never intentionally.
- Lead me not into temptation. Oh, who are we kidding. Follow me-I know a shortcut!
- On the phone with my boss: "Sorry, I'll have to come in late to work on Monday." "How late?" "Tuesday."
- Sign on auto repair shop: If we can't fix your brakes, we'll make your horn louder.
- Why do I have to prove I'm me to pay my bills over the phone? Do strangers call and try to do that? And if they do, why don't you let them?
- A cable repairman on our street asked me what time it was. I told him between 8am and 1pm.
- Someone asked me what to do with leftover bacon. I've never heard of that kind of bacon. Where do you get it?
- It was only after shooting the third zombie that I wondered why they were carrying bags of candy and ringing my doorbell.
- I just checked my Farmville for the first time in 8 years. Squatters built a meth lab in the barn. * Time to get up. Today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves!
- Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.
- When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens if you're stupid.
- Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.
- Is your fridge running? If so, I'll vote for it.
- Turning the clocks back and getting an extra hour of 2020 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.
- I was telling my husband how sad it is that so many high school graduates didn't get to take a senior trip. He pointed out that back in the 1960s, a lot of kids took their senior trip to Viet Nam. "At least these kids are home."
- Lance is an uncommon name these days, but in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
- Wear a mask. Don't be a maskhole.
- Do they have a mask for two-faced people yet?
- Of course I talk to myself. Occasionally, I need expert advice.
- Once I started spending my own money, I realized mom was right. We do have food at home.
- My mom didn't raise no dummy. But if she did, it was my sister.
- Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree, that makes it a plant. So, in other words, chocolate is salad.
- Shad to shee Shean Connery hash pashed.
- I always mean what I say. I just don't always mean to say it outloud.
- I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It took four days but whatever.
- I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
- Dear 2020, first of all, I'd like you to know I'm typing this with my middle finger....
- If you combine the words ‘wine' and ‘dinner', you get... WINNER!
- It's important to look carefully at lawn signs during an election. Last time, I voted for a real estate agent.
- It's impossible to drink enough to drown these sorrows. They've learned to swim.
- I'm so confused when people don't drink coffee. What do you do? Get an appropriate amount of sleep? Nerd.
- Due to COVID-19 we are asking rioters to work from home and destroy their own stuff.
- I've cut down on my swearing, by half. Now I say, "What the effing F@%K?"
- Not to be negative, but I'm beginning to think Kanye might not win this thing.
- What's everyone wearing to next week's civil war?
- If losing weight was as easy as losing glasses, keys, or cell phones, I'd be a pretty lean machine.
- I'd just like to thank Romaine lettuce for taking a break from trying to kill us while we battle the virus.
- Out of all the states, you'd think that Nevada would count the fastest.
- I get it. You hated him four years ago and you hate him now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but the guy is a winner and an overachiever. He's out there every day, proving the haters wrong time after time. Call it jealousy, call it envy, some people just can't handle how successful he is, how much money he has or the fact that he has a beautiful foreign wife who's a former model. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there's nothing you can do about it. I know as time goes on, it's probably going to get worse, but deal with it: Tom Brady is the quarterback for Tampa Bay and that's that.
MY TOP FIVE GOALS IN NOVEMBER
- To purchase a turkey smaller than the weight I've put on during the virus
- To not focus on all the events that were canceled this year, but rather, all those events coming up that will be canceled.
- To flip forward my calendar that's been stuck on February
- To purchase a giant quiet fan that blows all my leaves into my neighbor's yard
- To eventually go a 24-hour period without hearing the world 'election'
TOP FIVE THINGS WE EXPECT TO HAPPEN IN NOVEMBER
- New way to stop the virus-we must all wear Speedos!
- Attack of the zombie leaves
- The Dairy-Free lobby tries to ban the word, "Butterball"
- Murder Hornets invite their cousins, the Serial Killer Bees, for Thanksgiving
- What will become known as "Revolt of the Turkeys"
Laugh a little, would ya?
