Our 1,286th Edition
Friday the 20th, 2020
Our last 5-day workweek for a while! Yay!
A new study says that you're twice as likely to be depressed if you don't exercise. I don't exercise, so I find that double-depressing.
A former Amazon engineer has created an app that supposedly translates what your cat is saying. Now you can now the difference between, "Leave me alone", "Scratch my back" and "I really don't care."
Washington State's Governor announced new restrictions on Sunday. You know all those things you're not doing now? Well, do less.
Jennifer Lopez says that 2020 has taught her what matters most. I'm assuming she's referring to stockpiling toilet paper.
Costco is now selling Whiskey ornaments, a set of mini-bottles of booze that you can decorate your tree with. Really helps in making sure your tree is straight.
Sweden has banned all gatherings of more than 8 people, so my Swedish fan club will be able to continue meeting.
Remember, if you're feeling alone, it's probably because you're by yourself.
Gluten-free Oreos are on their way to store shelves in 2021. Maybe they can go where the toilet paper used to be.
George Clooney says it's true--he gave a $1 million each to his 14 closest pals back in 2013. I need to have richer friends.
Twitter has launched a new social media platform, called Fleets, which should solve the great American social media platform shortage.
President Donald Trump has canceled his annual plans to spend Thanksgiving at his Mar-a-Lago resort, instead choosing to remain in the White House. My guess is, he's afraid they'll change the locks on him.
Once again, People Magazine let me know that I'll have to wait another year. They wanted to get Michael B. Jordan in this year.
They say if you put orange peels under your Christmas tree, then cats won't bother. Then again, you'll get the same result with a dog.
Spike Lee is going to do a musical on Viagra, called, "All Rise." Other titles considered: "Lucky Stiffs", "Die Harder" and "Is that a gun in your pants?"
Probably the biggest concern about more people wearing masks is the increasing risk of more ventriloquists.
Seahawks QB Russell Wilson has come out with his own fragrance. It’s for the flirtatious gentlemen who occasionally doesn’t mind an incomplete pass.
The Seahawks’ stadium, Centurylink Field, changed its name to Lumen Field, Centurylink’s new name. So, another Seahawks loss is Lumen?
While putting up the tree in Rockefeller Square in New York, they found a baby owl in it. It’s being nursed back to health and, of course, the plans are to have……owl be home by Christmas.
The CDC has recommended no traveling. Of course, try telling that to NBA players.
- So now, cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws are illegal. That must be frustrating.
- Get your relatives speaking to everyone again by sending out a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child that no one knows.
- If it requires pants then, nah......
- The 7 Dwarfs have been notified they can only gather in groups of six. One of them is not Happy.
- I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
- Sign on a store: If you come in without a mask, we will have to take your temperature. By the way, we only have rectal thermometers.
- I'm really getting into the Thanksgiving spirit. This week, I've given the bird to quite a few people.
- I'm beginning to think my husband isn't going to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
- I don't dance well at all, but step in dog poop and I can Moonwalk better than Michael Jackson!
- My house got TP'd last night and its appraised value is now $875,000.
- What do you call a paternity testing facility in Indiana? Hoosier daddy.
- Zoomsgiving is better than ICU Christmas. Just sayin'...
- Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
- I'm going back to making quarantine coffee. Its like regular coffee except it has vodka in it and also, no coffee.
- One of the weird things about being an adult is having a favorite stovetop burner.
- I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's this morning. His mom was furious.
- Is it really true that using a double negative in English is a no-no?
- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
- Do alcoholics run in your family? No, they usually stumble around a lot and break things.
- Roses are red, tacos: delicious. I use paper plates 'cause I hate doing dishes.
- People who say I'm hard to shop for clearly don't know where to buy wine.
- Fake laughing with customers is a serious job skill.
- Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii? Or just a low ‘ha'?
- With the shortage of sports on TV, they're going to broadcast the Origami World Championships. It'll be on paperview.
- My wife yelled from upstairs, “Do you ever get shooting pains like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” I replied, “No.” She yelled back, “How about now?
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT TURKEY YOU BOUGHT ISN'T GOING TO BE VERY TENDER
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE NAMES FOR TURKEY LIFE INSURANCE COMPANIES
- The other wing has a tat that says, "Bite me, Butterball!"
- One wing covered in tattoos
- It came from Iron Bird Farms
- It's a Tom, but prefers to be called "Spike"
- Right on the label it says, "Don't blame us. You picked it!"
- All Bake (the good drumsticks people)
- Final Estate Farm
- Mashed Mutual
- John Chopblock
- Mutual of 350 for Four Hours
TOP FIVE WORST-EVER THANKSGIVING DAY MOVIES
- "Killer Turkey From Beyond the Gravy"
- "Harry Gobbler and the Pot Full of Fire"
- "Silence of the Yams"
- "Dressing For Success"
- "Knives Out: Turkey Edition"
Laugh a little, would ya?