Our 1,287th Edition
Wednesday, November 25th, 2020
Short Week--Short Wacks!
You know, Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our National Bird, instead of the bald eagle. They told him to go fly a kite and the rest is history.
Why is Thanksgiving always on Thursdays? That got started back with the Pilgrims, as Thursdays were a special day for Puritans. It's amazing to think that our founders had the foresight to designate a national day of thanks on the day of the week with so many football games. Genius!
Yeah, I feel like The Weeknd looks.
I just realized if Baby Yoda becomes a Trump Republican, I'll have nothing left on my Facebook feed.
I've reached the age where, while watching the American Music Awards, the question I ask most often is, "Who?"
AstraZeneca--doesn't that sound like someone who got their name from fans of the Jetsons?
President-elect Biden loves to say, "America is back." I guess I wasn't paying attention--where'd we go?
We had a traditional Pilgrim-style Thanksgiving dinner... if the Pilgrims had celebrated with an organic, gluten-free, dairy-free tribe.
I am not kidding. Wednesday morning, the day before Thanksgiving, we made a grocery store run. The line to check out was a bit long and a guy walked towards the back of it while saying, "Oh yeah, tomorrow is Thanksgiving." How can that possibly be a surprise?
He hasn't even taken over yet as interim host of Jeopardy, but Ken Jennings is already in hot water. Someone dug up an old Twitter comment he made back in 2014, that said: "Nothing sadder than a hot person in a wheelchair." And this is why I didn't want that job. Too much available to dig up.
President Trump pardoned his former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn the day before Thanksgiving. Because of the timing, Flynn dressed up as a turkey.
From Facebook:
- How's adulting going, you ask? I turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the past 20 minutes.
- An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
- The finest shoes are made of smooth leather. My opinion will never be suede.
- My family asked what I was planning for Thanksgiving. Apparently "Having four Margaritas before I get here" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
- I'm not bossy. It's being "aggressively helpful."
- Is it OK to take the wine bag out of the box and stab it with a straw like a Capri Sun? Asking for a friend.
- Do you enjoy yelling, "What?" from the other room? Then marriage might be for you.
- Can I ask you about the menu, please? The men I please are none of your business!
- I overheard a woman saying she wouldn't allow her kids to watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like jumping in puddles. I watched Road Runner cartoons as a kid and I haven't blown anyone up with dynamite. Yet.
- When a woman is mad tell her that she's over-reacting. She'll realize you're right and calm down instantly. Follow me for more relationship advice.
- If 2020 was a math problem: If you're walking on the ice cream at 5 miles per toaster and your bicycle loses a sock, how much gravy will you need to repaint your hamster?
- I've never had a problem that I couldn't make worse.
- I apologize for calling you stupid, but when I asked you to spell 'orange' and you asked me the fruit or the color, it kinda caught me off guard.
- Never use GPS when going to a cemetery. It's a little unnerving to hear, "You've reached your destination.
- The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all of the furniture in the house is in place.
Oh! It's a holiday issue bonus!